leaving husband

[needinghelp]

Hi, situation is this:
my wife's friend is married to an arsehole.

Said friend speaks English as 2nd language, and married this divorced man having had no previous experience with men due to her own controlling family.

He's full of bitterness due to ex-wife and having to pay towards that, and won't tell her about the family finances. He's got quite a lot of money (six figures from what I understand) but basically hides it away or tell her how much they've got. She's asked him to buy a house as they keep moving around from rented house to rented house, but he won't as I think basically he doesn't want to have any assets that he can't hide away (I think he is sending it overseas?)

She said she wanted to stay with him for the sake of their son but from what I can see the son is being damaged by the paranoid controlfreakery of his father - I gave him a biscuit and he wouldn't eat it because I'd touched it and he also refused to eat anything all day in our house. He also says he doesn't like to eat Mummy's food (he's learned that from Daddy who eats breakfast, lunch and dinner out of the house). So from what I can see he's developing some pretty nasty issues as a result of his hygiene-obsessed father already, also she says he doesn't read him a bedtime story or such like.

He doesn't want to have sex with her and is demeaning about her appearance (she's actually very attractive) and shuts up when he tries to talk to her and when he's at home locks himself in the office.

So basically he's a total write-off and she's well rid.

Latest thing is she told their child to sit on the 'naughty step' last night and he's had a go saying 'why isn't he in bed at 7:30pm' and basically undermining her attempt to correct their child's behaviour. So she's told him she's going to leave.

Now the thing is he still wants to control her and has said 'you stay here', in their comfortable (rented) house and I'll get a flat, and she's said 'no I want to leave', so he's said 'I'll get you a flat then'. Either way he wants to maintain control by being the one paying for the accommodation. So that's a no-no.

So now the thing is she wants to leave but she's worried about the school and also says she doesn't want to end up in a hostel with a load of druggies.

So what's the best way to go about getting accommodation + school + money in this situation?

[MrsClown]

needinghelp - please try to get this woman to seek the advice of Women's Aid. If you dont have one near you they will be on the internet. I was married to a man just like him. He is mentally abusing this woman. When I went to Women's Aid they helped me do exactly what I chose, meaning they helped me get out of the marriage. I was only working part time then and didnt earn much but they helped me work everything out. Please let her know, I did not end up in a hostel or near druggies etc. There are people out there who can help, though I didnt believe it at that time. Please go on the website for Women's Aid, I cannot speak highly enough of them. I had been married for 21 years and thought I was lower than a snakes belly!!! I was so nervous when I started my journey but they helped me find my way. One of the workers even went to the solicitor with me because I was so upset I could hardly speak.

Her son is definitely being damaged by this behaviour. Someone pointed out to me that my son was learning from his father how to treat women and my daughter would learn what behaviour to accept from a man. I knew I had to get out.

Please let us know how this woman gets on. Good luck. If you need any more help please let me know, I feel really strongly about this.

By the way, all that was almost 10 years ago! I am now married to an incredible man who is my soul mate and partner.

[AliceWyrld]

I second Women's Aid. They're the experts. Good that she's got a friend like you looking out for her too OP.

[needinghelp]

Hi I just spoke to the local Women's shelter they said she should call the one in her area (she lives 20 miles away) who can provide emotional + practical support.

I actually think she should just leave him and stay with us while she sorts this out, so she just needs to find the schooling really.

I believe she can get quite a lot of benefits - child tax credit in the first instance but later housing benefit as well - but I am not really sure how that will be affected if she's staying with us temporarily.

I called the local council's housing helpline and spoke to an extremely drippy bloke who said 'she needs to remove her name from the contract for the house she's on at the moment so she is not liable for the rent' and similar banalities.

Will see if I can find out about schooling.

[needinghelp]

Basically the Women's Shelter said 'Er, not completely sure about the housing rules you better check with the council' and the bloke at the housing helpline said 'Contact the Women's Shelter in this situation'.

Women's Shelter did say she could go to any police station and say she is subject to domestic abuse and get immediate accommodation.

I don't think he's dangerous, just a controlling prick.

[AliceWyrld]

Have you tried this women's aid rather than the local shelter?

[needinghelp]

I just spoke to her again and she said that she didn't want to go into a hostel because her friend was there before for six months before she got her own place, and she saw the single mums going out and getting drunk and swearing and stealing money and she didn't want people swearing in front of her son. She also said she'd end up with a bad school.

I asked her if she had any money and she says he transfers £600/month into a joint account as her allowance for household spending but as it's nearly the end of the mount that's nearly all gone and otherwise she doesn't know where his money is. Apparently he (previously) boasted to her that he hid £100k from his previous wife. I told her to look for bank statements etc. in his office but she said she wouldn't because that was his stuff and he didn't touch her stuff, I pointed out she didn't have any stuff, but she said she didn't want his money anyway.

Anyway she's going to call the local Outreach service re domestic abuse support, the education officer regarding a school transfer, and then see the housing team here about accommodation but I'm not too optimistic about the latter....

[needinghelp]

So we went to the local council's housing team. They said she's not eligible for council housing because she has not lived here for six of the last twelve months. They said if she can find a deposit and rent for somewhere privately she can apply for housing benefit here after moving in. So we went to the estate agent and they basically said that she can't rent anywhere without a job.

The housing person did say she could apply as a domestic violence case but then they would house her miles away.

Also she's not lived in her current area six months either so she's probably not eligible to apply there either....

Not that easy, I think she will have to ask the husband to help her to get a flat.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

Needinghelp, it's very good of you to try to help your friend.
I suggest you ask for this thread to be moved to the Relationships board, where there are lots of women with experience of exactly this situation who can offer sound practical advice.

[SybilBeddows]

I'm sorry we can't help more with practical info; there must be people somewhere on MN who have more experience of these things.