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So confused

(10 Posts)
claudtheswedishchef Tue 20-Sep-11 17:09:42

Hi all

Advice would be very much appreciated....I've been married for 15 years, together for 25 years. I recently visted a family member overseas (on my own without dh and kids) Whilst there I met a fella who he himself is due to get married. There was an instant connection, and to cut a long story short we fell in love...I am the biggest cynic going and never thought that sort of thing was possible but it seems like it happened.
Now I'm back home, we have been in touch but when I say overseas, it really is...think upside down and you'll know where I mean (I'm in the UK).

He is from the UK, but left a few years ago following a marriage breakdown, he had a massive meltdown (depression, mental breakdown etc) and ended up moving to the other side of the world..he still has kids in the UK....yeh that's kinda sticking point with me too. He is in regular contact, speaks to them a few days a week, skypes and visits when he can.

Anyway, we are very emotionally involved, he is a friend of the family member I visited, and he has discussed with them that maybe he shouldn't be getting married at all and that now that I've returned home he is miserable.

We have tried not to be in touch, but are both finding it very hard to maintain this... I have recently taken him off my FB friends and deleted his number, this was following me putting all my cards on the table saying how I felt and that basically it was him I wanted.
His reply was that although he loved me, he would never be able to come back as that would 'break him' as had gone through all the emotional turmoil of leaving his kids and starting again on the other side of the world and couldn't do it again.

He's very loving towards me, very affectionate and tbh have never felt this way before about anyone....

So I'm not sure whether I'm coming or going, should I try stay away so that he can sort himself out, or is it a case of him wanting his cake etc...I'm not niave and obviously have my family to think about... I didn't intend to meet someone and fall head over heels with them, but it's happened and I'm not sure how to get through this one....your thoughts would be so welcome, thanks in advance


LaurieFairyCake Tue 20-Sep-11 17:12:58

When are you planning to tell your dh? Or are you not in an exclusive relationship with him - an open one maybe?

piratecat Tue 20-Sep-11 17:17:41

well, he's told you he won't come here to be with you, and tbh if this is where his kids are, wouldn't he rather be near them too?

I understand something being bolt out of the blue, but beware what the 'true' feelings are. Are they real, or just exciting?

RabbitPie Tue 20-Sep-11 17:17:47

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

claudtheswedishchef Tue 20-Sep-11 17:23:09

no it's not an open relationship, just one lacking any affection or sex...I appreciate your comments guys, I recognise that I need to be dragged back into the real world!

Xales Tue 20-Sep-11 18:39:34

Leave well alone. Do not get back in touch with this man.

Sort out your relationship that you are in for better or worse first.

This man hasn't said he won't be getting married he has heavily gone 'oh woe is me' to friends who he knew would pass the message on to you that he is missing you soooo much he is thinking about it. I would guess he was in love with the woman he was planning to marry until he met you. He sounds like he could be very fickle and he may think he shouldn't marry you as soon as the next one comes along.......

Did he have an official depression/mental breakdown or does he just think he was depressed there is a lot of difference? Especially if he is using this as a reason why he and his escape to the other side of the world were more important than his children.

I don't know how any parent can think that skyping a few times a week and the odd visit when they can is good enough for their child. Unless the child has grown and flown the nest.

If you are to be with this man what is the plan? He has said he is never coming back. How old are your children? Are you going to up sticks and drag them off to Aus (I assume) away from their dad, family and friends or are you going to leave them behind and you be the one to skype them a few times a week?

oldwomaninashoe Tue 20-Sep-11 19:15:54

What Xales said!!!!

Also when presented with all the problems and hurt that will arise if you try and continue with this relationship, do you think that that it will survive?.

claudtheswedishchef Tue 20-Sep-11 20:27:03

He had an 'official' breakdown....anyway, I would never ever leave my children, I guess I came onto MN to be given the kick up the arse I needed and to confirm that I am deluded and selfish...something my friends in RL don't have the guts to say smile It has made me more determined not to contact him again....I thank you..

Xales Tue 20-Sep-11 20:48:40

Sorry couldn't think how to word that better.

You are not deluded and selfish. You deserve to be as happy and loved as the next person.

There is clearly something wrong in your current relationship. Sort that out. I am not sure if this man is just an easy option as someone who showed you a little love and attention.

HairyBeaver Tue 20-Sep-11 20:59:02

I'd be careful it wasn't just a "holiday romanace" tbh. It's new, exciting and it's quite easy to get carried away on the love train, so to speak.

I wouldn't contact this man again as logistically it couldn't work out due to distance anyway so what's the point?

Perhaps spend a couple if months reevaluating your feelings for your DH and thinking about your marriage in general. smile

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