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Constructive advice for repairing a shakey marriage....please.

(4 Posts)
Sniffwitch Tue 20-Sep-11 16:54:59

DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have 3 DC, the youngest is a week old! The relationship has always been quite hard work, with lots of effort needed for us to stay emotionally connected, but the "pay-off" has been worth it and we have made a really good life together (although at the moment I find it quite hard to remember the good times!). About 2 years ago, DH developed an agitated depression - mostly in response to tough situation at work, but also because we had 2 under 2 and were living in quite challenging accommodation, not getting any privacy or much sleep. I had very little energy for supporting him because the children were so young and I was also caring for a terminally ill relative. When my relative died and my husband was to wrapped up in work to make time to come to the funeral, we came to a bit of a crisis point until he finally accepted that he needed to see his GP and started ADs and seeing a counselor. Despite having had several episodes of reactive depression myself, I was very shaken by and, if I m honest, rather resentful of the terrible impact that DHs depression had on our family. Things gradually improved and we decided to go ahead with our long term plan of another child - I wanted DH to come off ADs before conceiving and we argued over this he did not think it necessary and I strongly preferred neither of us to be on medication if possible - I then did get PG with him on low dose ADs and miscarried. He came off ADs and I got PG again shortly afterwards and thankfully all has gone smoothly and we have a lovely DC3. But we seem to have drifted further and further apart to the extent where I was not really sure I wanted this semi-stranger in the delivery room with me. I have welcomed the chance to send him to sleep in the spare room whilst I co-sleep with the baby. He ended up back on ADs earlier this year and still goes to counseling. In fact he went to a session when DC3 was 2 days old, leaving me to take the baby and DC2 to an essential appointment on my own. When he come back from this counseling I have no idea what he has been talking about and I am not encouraged to ask -as he is rather snappy and short-tempered - I often barely recognize the man I married. It seems he can always manage to make every small conversation into a confrontation, and blames me for being "confrontational" - he is certainly cutting me no slack at all with my behavior in the last few weeks of PG and first few weeks of DC3 and I am rather tired and could do with some cherishing rather than feeling sad and anxious about our marriage.
Having said all this. he is a wonderful wonderful father and a good man and I would love to find my way back to him. I see the baby asleep in the moses basket and know that I have to do everything I can to try and sort this out, but it feels like I might not ave the energy to do it.
Has anyone had similar experiences? How can we start to find our way back together - or is it too late?

buzzskillington Tue 20-Sep-11 17:54:25

You might want to break this into paragraphs to get more responses: sorry, but it's hard to read.

I think you might try relationship counselling together. Living with his depression must be terribly draining and depression can turn a person in on themselves, so as seems to be with him, he can't see your pov cos he's so caught up in his own pain. But you do need & deserve more from him. He shouldn't be taking things out on you.

So talking with a third party there might be helpful.

LesserOfTwoWeevils Tue 20-Sep-11 21:28:46

Have put in paragraphs to make it easier on the eye.

"DH and I have been married for 7 years and we have 3 DC, the youngest is a week old!
The relationship has always been quite hard work, with lots of effort needed for us to stay emotionally connected, but the "pay-off" has been worth it and we have made a really good life together (although at the moment I find it quite hard to remember the good times!).
About 2 years ago, DH developed an agitated depression - mostly in response to tough situation at work, but also because we had 2 under 2 and were living in quite challenging accommodation, not getting any privacy or much sleep. I had very little energy for supporting him because the children were so young and I was also caring for a terminally ill relative.
When my relative died and my husband was to wrapped up in work to make time to come to the funeral, we came to a bit of a crisis point until he finally accepted that he needed to see his GP and started ADs and seeing a counselor.
Despite having had several episodes of reactive depression myself, I was very shaken by and, if I m honest, rather resentful of the terrible impact that DHs depression had on our family.
Things gradually improved and we decided to go ahead with our long term plan of another child - I wanted DH to come off ADs before conceiving and we argued over this he did not think it necessary and I strongly preferred neither of us to be on medication if possible - I then did get PG with him on low dose ADs and miscarried.
He came off ADs and I got PG again shortly afterwards and thankfully all has gone smoothly and we have a lovely DC3.
But we seem to have drifted further and further apart to the extent where I was not really sure I wanted this semi-stranger in the delivery room with me. I have welcomed the chance to send him to sleep in the spare room whilst I co-sleep with the baby.
He ended up back on ADs earlier this year and still goes to counseling. In fact he went to a session when DC3 was 2 days old, leaving me to take the baby and DC2 to an essential appointment on my own.
When he come back from this counseling I have no idea what he has been talking about and I am not encouraged to ask -as he is rather snappy and short-tempered - I often barely recognize the man I married. It seems he can always manage to make every small conversation into a confrontation, and blames me for being "confrontational" - he is certainly cutting me no slack at all with my behavior in the last few weeks of PG and first few weeks of DC3 and I am rather tired and could do with some cherishing rather than feeling sad and anxious about our marriage.
Having said all this. he is a wonderful wonderful father and a good man and I would love to find my way back to him.
I see the baby asleep in the moses basket and know that I have to do everything I can to try and sort this out, but it feels like I might not ave the energy to do it.
Has anyone had similar experiences? How can we start to find our way back together - or is it too late?"

twankie Tue 20-Sep-11 21:59:12

okay.. think you can reconcile with him.. the fact that you wanted another child with him, that you think he's a good man..that you WANT to find a way back - all this is good. HE needs to make an effort tho... is this what he wants? You have a very young child and I admire that you have even the nergy to THINK about all this and what you might do to help get back on track. I think he needs to take a reality check on what he has, given your generosity and sensitivity.

I would talk to him--or at least get someone else to talk to him..to praise you up..to tell him what he's actually got in you! Hve you someone who can do tis? A friend of his perhaps? Someone who will say..'bloody hell mate..she's fantastic.. she needs looking after.. you have a responsibility to attend to her . .she's given you beautiful children and you need to look after her'

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