Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

In love with someone else - help!

35 replies

ohgawdwhathaveidone · 20/09/2011 11:23

I am engaged to be married to my long term boyfriend. We are not actively trying for a baby but not using protection either and have discussed having a baby next year. I thought I was happy with him and I was looking forward to the future but I have recently met someone else and I don?t know what to do.

Here is where it gets complicated because he is also engaged to be married to someone else. However, his culture is different to mine - which is not an issue in itself because my bf is from a different culture too - but this is an arranged marriage rather than a marriage to someone he is already in love with. Although his brother is married to a Scottish woman and they have a young baby together so why he is allowing the arranged marriage I don?t know. It?s not something I have discussed with him or want to discuss because it hurts to even think about it.

We see each other whenever we can which can be a bit tricky but when we are apart I can?t eat, can?t sleep , I?m restless and think of him literally every second of every day until I see him again. A few days ago we had sex for the first time and he used a condom but he told me afterwards that he didn?t think it worked. Stupidly I have done nothing about this.

I am crazy about him and I?m torn between telling him how strongly I feel and seeing what happens or breaking it off and being happy with what I have. I feel guilty for what I?m doing but at the same time I don?t want it to end.

Please help me make sense of all this!

OP posts:

Report

SingOut · 20/09/2011 11:25

You need to leave em both and be alone for a bit, have some counselling perhaps.

MangoMonster · 20/09/2011 11:26

I'd say the most important thing is to start behaving responsibly with regards to contraception. You should probably have a pregnancy test ASAP too.

MangoMonster · 20/09/2011 11:28

Actually pregnancy test won't work yet, but go and see your doctor asap if you need advice about the morning after pill.

ohgawdwhathaveidone · 20/09/2011 11:33

I never thought I would post something like this. Yes I will take a test as soon as I can and go back on the pill. Just so confused about how I feel

OP posts:

bubblegumpop · 20/09/2011 11:37

You do realise if this is an arranged marriage, this man is not and will never be anything to you. You will be a quick shag on the side that is all. He won't be leaving his wife, he won't be walking away from the arrangement.

It's past that now.

Even if you are by a slim chance pregnant. I'd see the dr about EC and let your fiancée go, it's not fair on him. Let him find someone who loves him. If you think the condom has failed, don't sleep with your dp until you have been tested for STD'S you OWE him that.

MangoMonster · 20/09/2011 11:37

Please don't go back on the pill until you are sure you're not pregnant, it can take a few weeks to get a positive result.

You need to decide if you want to be with your fiancé and if you can be faithful to him and happy with him.

TLD2 · 20/09/2011 11:42

You only know it's an arranged marriage because he told you so. Sounds a bit too much like the old "my wife doesn't understand me" line to me.

You've cheated on your fiancee for a thrill with another man. He has cheated on his fiancee with you. There is no trust in this relationship, nor in your existing ones.

I agree with the first person above. You need to get out of both situations and be yourself until you work out what you want. And by that I don't mean which bloke you want.

TeeBee · 20/09/2011 11:58

NEVER MARRY A MAN YOU ARE NOT 100% SURE ABOUT MARRYING

I repeat...

NEVER MARRY A MAN YOU ARE NOT 100% SURE ABOUT MARRYING

And once more for the hard of thinking...

NEVER MARRY A MAN YOU ARE NOT 100% SURE ABOUT MARRYING

ohgawdwhathaveidone · 20/09/2011 11:59

I believe it is an arranged marriage. I know two of his brothers and I have been there when he discussed it with other people in front of me. He said he doesn't really want to marry her and he hasn't even met her yet but his parents think it is time for him to settle down and he has given in.

He is too much of a player to want to get married now which in itself is not a good sign I know. I feel sorry for this poor girl actually because there isn't any way he will be faithful to her. I guess that's my answer but I still can't help how I feel about him.

OP posts:

TLD2 · 20/09/2011 12:01

You can help it. The thing is that you are focussing on this other man and what he's like, rather than your current partner.

How would he feel if he knew?

How would you feel if he did this to you?

You know what to do, you're just delaying doing it.

SoupDragon · 20/09/2011 12:02

So, he is a player and you know he won't be faithful to his fiancée... Why do you think he would be faithful to you?

loopylou6 · 20/09/2011 12:09

Sounds as if your heart is with the om. is he of Indian heritage? if so he will go ahead with his marriage or he will be seen to of brought shame on his family. I know its tough but please don't go ahead with this marriage because your heart obviously isn't in it.

Landedgentry · 20/09/2011 12:12

Why is this man a player and you're not?

What you've written about him applies equally to you, doesn't it?

mamalovebird · 20/09/2011 12:24

Sounds to me you're in 'lust' with this om, not in love. You're not in love with your DP either. You need to end it with both of them

I have been in exactly your postion and take it from me, it's not pretty.
I left my fiance with 3 months before our wedding for a man who I thought I had this deep powerful connection with, only for it to turn out that he ws a player of the highest order and had a few women on the go at the same time. I fell for it all because I was unhappy and sub-conciously looking for a way out of my engagement. I took the cowards option.

My 'relationship' with the OM lasted barely a month and I hurt a lot of people in the process.

Like teebee says, don't marry your DP if you're not sure, just respect him and respect the memory of your time together by not trashing it with a shitty exit, when he's done nothing wrong.

It will work out though. I met my DH five months later and was pregnant a further 5 months later (DS is now 20 months). We married in June and I didn't think twice about whether it was the right thing to do or not.

Good luck :)

buzzskillington · 20/09/2011 12:51

If he's going into an arranged marriage to please his family, it's pretty likely he'll go through with it. Which leaves you as an OW if you continue seeing him, and that's not so much fun down the line.

As for your fiance, you need to break it off, you're being hugely unfair.

ohgawdwhathaveidone · 20/09/2011 13:31

why is he a player and im not? because he flirts with girls all the time and probably more. I have been faithful to my fiance for 8 years until now. I know he's no good for me but I can't stop thinking about him.

No he's not Indian, he's from Eastern Turkey.

I think I need to find a way to finish with my fiance but I have sacrificed so much to be with him and he will be devastated. I don't know how to do it.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 20/09/2011 13:43

Tell him you've been fucking someone else, that should do it.

TheOriginalFAB · 20/09/2011 13:49

You can't marry someone you are not 100% in love with. It just isn't fair.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2011 13:50

HI ohgawd,

re your comment:-
"I know he's no good for me but I can't stop thinking about him".

Oh please, I feel like playing you a very small violin. You still have self control here. Use it!. Start using protection as well; its totally and utterly unfair not least of all irresponsible on your part to potentially bring a child into all this.

Bad boys are just that - bad. Why are you so intent on hitting that self destruct button?. Why is your self esteem and worth so low?. You need to examine all this preferably through counselling for your own self.

You say you have been with your fiance for 8 years; how old were you when you met?. You still seem very young. The other guy is just intent on using you (he probably has a few other girls on the go as well and uses them to gain both their trust and cash) and you're allowing him to do so.

You need to walk away from both these men now for your own sake before you really do ruin your life?. Some time on your own to find out what you really want from life would be good.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

TLD2 · 20/09/2011 14:38

You've sacrificed so much? So is that your justification for cheating on him, rather than leaving him? I'm sure he'll understand.

Proudnscary · 20/09/2011 14:44

For god's sake - of course you can't marry this guy and fuck this other man.

pink4ever · 20/09/2011 19:26

He is from Turkey! do you not watch tv or read the news? I have visited turkey and the amount of men who hit on young women when they already have wives tucked away in villages is unbelievable!.
Grow up-you dont love him,your just a fuck. Mind you dont pass anything nasty on to your fiance or he might start asking questions

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

confidence · 20/09/2011 20:51

He used a condom but he didn't think that it worked?

A condom either breaks or it doesn't. If it broke, you would both know about it. Doesn't sound like he knows too much for such a "player".

cheesesarnie · 20/09/2011 21:02

hes a player,your a player.
did you expect us all to say bless your little cotton socks?
my advice would be to set your fiance free and stay out of someone elses relationship.

cheesesarnie · 20/09/2011 21:03

pink4ever you cant judge every turkish man by the ones you see occassionaly on tv!

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.