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I want to leave but how?

(19 Posts)
caz1010 Mon 19-Sep-11 18:52:24

After 7 years have decided to leave. Fed up with living with someone who bluntly put it I am a wife and mother and gave up on being caz1010 when I chose these things.

What do I do ? Run ?

Do I tell him im going and risk the rath?

Please just help me, someone with the first step.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 19-Sep-11 19:12:52

Is there any chance you could work things out with your dh? tell him how you feel, go to therapy/counselling or something.

Are you 100% sure it's over?

MangoMonster Mon 19-Sep-11 19:17:57

Maybe you can find a way to talk about what he said? I wouldn't just run, I'd discuss it with him, unless you're concerned height hurt you or your family.

MangoMonster Mon 19-Sep-11 19:18:53

Phone typo- he might hurt...

buzzskillington Mon 19-Sep-11 19:24:42

You could get legal/financial advice from a solicitor or CAB.

If you're in danger or he's abusive, talk to Women's Aid.

caz1010 Mon 19-Sep-11 19:27:30

Husband has never laid a finger on me but a year into our marrige I found out he jad hospitalised ex. I feel nervous around him at the best of times since knowing this but really worried how he will react when I leave.

Was thinking of telling him im taking children to school but just carry on walking.

MangoMonster Mon 19-Sep-11 19:28:42

I'd talk to Woman's aid or similar for their advice before doing anything.

caz1010 Mon 19-Sep-11 19:36:49

But as I said he has never hit ME

I just want to be a million miles away from him, so I can relax and be me. Not to worry if I do something wrong or dress wrong or talk too much. I have just had enough.

Im laid upstairs on my phone because he doesnt want me downstairs because I he a cough.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 19-Sep-11 19:43:31

He sounds controlling and you shouldn't have to live your life treading on eggshells just in case...

As buzz has suggested, call women's aid - the 24 hour helpline number is 0808 2000 247.

MangoMonster Mon 19-Sep-11 19:46:53

He doesn't want you downstairs because you cough?... That is not normal behaviour. Call a help line and get some professional advice, even if you think he isn't dangerous... They will help you decide how to leave him.

buzzskillington Mon 19-Sep-11 19:47:03

He sounds like an emotional abuser: Women's Aid are a good call in that case as well. They'll be best placed to help you get out safely. If he has a history of violence against women, you have even more reason to contact them.

notsorted Mon 19-Sep-11 19:47:23

How did you find out re the ex? If is was someone else then it is a warning because he hasn't told you and therefore hasn't addressed it and changed - a very long shot in all events.
If he told you did he explain and talk rationally about what state he was in and then explain that he has done some intensive work and changed.
If he told you and it was meant to be a warning "don't mess with me because this is what I am capable of of" then he has got you walking on eggshells, desperate to keep him happy because this is where he wants you.
Walking on eggshells is no way to live. And it will probably blow up because you are nervous and the strain will cause you immense emotional distress.

Start planning. Think about where and how you want to be in a year's time. Then think of first practical steps to get you on the first step to being there. Try and talk to WA, a counsellor (alone, not couples counselling) and begin to detach yourself and the DCs practially, financially and emotionally.
The WA site checklist is good for emergencies, find a RL friend and sound them out as emergency contact/escape. Safety first, then solicitor etc.

caz1010 Tue 20-Sep-11 07:40:54

Many thanks for help.

It was his dad who told me, and showed me newspaper cuttings etc.

I think I just need to accept the life I have chosen. The children live a happy life and that is my priority. Maybe it just all got too much and I should just get on with things and stop being so needy.

MangoMonster Tue 20-Sep-11 07:44:03

Why did his dad show you? To warn you perhaps? I think you can still leave if you want to, it's not hopeless but you should try speaking to woman's aid for advice beforehand.

puzzlesum Tue 20-Sep-11 07:53:36

What's needy at wanting to feel relaxed in your own home? You want to not worry in case you "do something wrong or dress wrong or talk too much" - presumably all things he's criticised you for in the past? Not being 'allowed' downstairs in your own house - that's not a way to live.

I also wonder why his dad showed you, after the marriage. Was it a warning 'get away before he hurts you' or was it a threat 'toe the line or this could happen to you'? You sound very scared of your H, despite him never having threatened violence. Or has he threatened but not (yet) gone through with it?

caz1010 Tue 20-Sep-11 08:06:16

I am an annoying person, I often make mistakes or forget things. He does get angry with me or more often will ignore me for a few days.

His dad was estranged but once we were introduced to each other, after our marriage, je said I should know but I never really thought of his reasons.

Today is another day. I am going to try and keep my head down while I can think of some kind of serious plan.

MangoMonster Tue 20-Sep-11 08:23:14

caz, he is in the wrong, not you. Please try and call someone for some professional help, they will help you. You don't have to put up with this anymore.

tallwivglasses Tue 20-Sep-11 08:51:44

People who are nervous and walking on eggshells do make mistakes and forget things because they're on edge all the time. You're not an annoying person. He's told you this and you believe it. He's wrong!

HerHissyness Tue 20-Sep-11 09:28:17

caz, we are all "annoying" ALL of us forget stuff, make mistakes. To err is HUMAN, remember? You ARE on eggshells and that is enough to scupper any plans, as your body is running on adrenalin, fight or flight, so your brain won't sit and consider, it won't retain information, it merely knee-jerks.

His dad showed you those clippings for a reason. He would have thought long and hard about showing you, and decided that you needed to know. You did need to know. Dare I ask if you discussed it with your H?

You are banished upstairs cos you have a cough? angry

He ignores you for a a few days? angry that is one of the nastiest forms of abuse actually, and I bet he doesn't stop there either does he?

i started the Freedom Programme yesterday, this is what they gave us to look at. Have a look at it: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf

The first guy is the kind of guy I know of, the kind of guy YOU are describing. the second one, not so much, but it shows you just how wide of the mark these pricks are.

DON'T tell him you are leaving, whatever you do.

Talk to Woman's Aid, they will help you plan what you need to do, take and organise.

IS there somewhere you can go to? if not, that can be arranged to, but unless you are in mortal fear for your life, stay put, stay mum and plan your exit.

Love, you are not alone, you will never be alone again, we are with you for as long as you need us to be. There are thousands of us all over the world, so if you need to talk, rant or just sanity check, please post and ask, anytime, day or night.

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