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Please-anyone had success after sex therapy?

(11 Posts)
ImNot40Yet Mon 19-Sep-11 18:52:19

Looking for someone to give me hope.... brief story is that DH is shortly to start therapy for ED problems, and I don't know what to expect, don't think he does either. We've had some major problems in our marriage (12 years) which we are just coming out of, and this is now the biggest stumbling block that we would like to sort between us. Sex has never been great, but not awful either.... it used to be okay, and sometimes much better than okay, now it's just a huge waft of disappointment and sadness and I don't think our relationship can take it being the massive elephant room in the room it's become. But I can't wave a magic wand and make it better, and I am terrified it won't work, and of what that might mean for us. He already knows I can't live without sex (well, I could, but I know I won't and I don't think anyone should), and I am sure he doesn't want a marriage like that either, but what do you do of one half of a couple just can't manage it, or whatever reason? Anyone got experience of what the odds are?

ImNot40Yet Mon 19-Sep-11 21:17:07

Anyone? Please.... I really need some insight from anyone who's gone through this. Or is it all bad news? : (

Yes. Sex therapy can be very successful if the couple are comitted to it, trust the therapist, do exactly what he/she tells them and are willing to give the time and effort necessary.

It depends on you and your partner. It is very different to marital counselling..much more task based and very focused.

As I said...trust your therapist, relax and have fun. Sex is playtime for grownups and therapy can help you to develope this side of your relationship in a way that you may have thought was not possible.

Good luck.

usingapseudonym Mon 19-Sep-11 21:44:42

We're considering it as our relationship has never been good (well for me) in that area. I love my husband and we have a kid so I'm not likely to split up but the thought of no sex for x number of years is not good....

How did you get there? Through a doctor or relate or?

Is it expensive?

venusandmars Mon 19-Sep-11 21:52:57

Not me, but a friend of mine.

They hadn't had sex for years, and they had got to the stage where they had agreed that "she would sort that side of things out for herself" (i.e. with someone else). Which she did for 3 or 4 years.

Then he started working with a sex therapist (just him). They also went to couples relationship therapy (not sex therapy, and I think it was some time after his sessions with the sex therapist). I know that they'd had couple counselling several times over the years, but it had never resolved the sex issues.

From what she says, things have improved, and they certainly appear to be much closer and more loving towards each other.

MrsCog Mon 19-Sep-11 21:57:36

Yes, we went to relate - it was £35 per session as I had a lot of problems (despite no proper thing to cause it). It was really sucessful and I'm now 15+4 with DC1 as a result!

The relate programme is great - it takes you all the way through in a non threatening pace that suits both people.

ImNot40Yet Mon 19-Sep-11 22:20:10

Thankyou all for replies, glad I am not the only out there... I can't help feeling very cynical about it, not because I don't trust a professional therapist, I know they will know what to try, etc, but I am feeling very negative about the future of sex with DH. I know it's unfair and entirely unhelpful to the whole situation, but I just feel he is less of a man because he can't manage it, and I don't feel that attracted to him, sexually, as a result. I want to be but I'm not. He is a lovely, kind intelligent man, but I find it very hard to think about the next few decades with him but without even quarter-decent sex, in fact not realy sex at all. The other major thing that upsets and bothers me is that he doesn't seem that bothered by it, it's me that brings it up all the time, he honestly gives the impression he would be okay with no penetration long term (sorry...TMI) as long as we stay married, but I am not okay with that.
I don't know what has caused the difficulties, he has been checked out and no physical causes, so it is apparently all psychological, which means I feel even more helpless. What can I do? I think our relationship difficulties we have had had probably made them worse and contributed to the vicious circle... these difficulties led to me having an EA with someone else, but the ED didn't start then, it has always been a problem.

We have two DCs who are lovely and amazing, but don't plan to have any more children, so contraception is also a bit of an issue. Condoms are the death knell and we have very limited other options for contraception due to medical issues that prevent me from using anything hormonal (PILL, coil etc) The big V is on the table but he is scared, and I feel angry that he won't consider it. Condoms instantly affect him, and we have no other option... so I don't know what he expects to happen.

looner Tue 20-Sep-11 01:11:20

have no experience of the sex therapy, but for contraception, you could be sterilised yourself, it doesn't have to be him

LeBOF Tue 20-Sep-11 01:17:19

The copper coil is not hormonal, if that helps?

ImNot40Yet Tue 20-Sep-11 09:19:13

Yes, of course we have talked about me being sterilised, but for reasons I won't go into here, DH and I agree that my body has taken enough, and it won't be me. I had a coil when younger and it was horrendous.

Notyet40...don't worry too much about contraception at the moment. Go for your first session...which will be an exploratory one, to see if you, as a couple, are suitable for therapy. You will be able to discuss contraception then.

It sounds a bit as though you are anxious about therapy and possibly trying to talk yourself out of it. You will not be committing yourselves to anything by attending the initial session. Indeed, it is at this time that you will be able to find out if therapy is going to be of use to you. A good therapist will be able to reassure both of you and help you to decide if it's actually what you want and are able to commit to.

The therapist's job is to help you and your partner to decide what you want and how to get it.

Give it a try, you have nothing to lose really....and a great deal to gain.

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