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Damn you, Aspergers....Can't you just sod off?

(34 Posts)
foodjunkie Sun 18-Sep-11 18:29:22

Ggggrrr, why did it happen to someone I am so so fond of? I love him dearly but aaaarrrggghh this damn damn "thing" is taking his gorgeousness away & I don't like it.

Just sod off & bring back the yumminess of my best friend. sad

MrsSleepy Sun 18-Sep-11 18:30:07

What do you mean?

foodjunkie Sun 18-Sep-11 18:37:51

It just makes him the most selfish/coldest person sometimes. He has so much potential it just frustrates me.

I just get cross with it. Sorry.

cornsillx Sun 18-Sep-11 18:39:44

what's happened?

SwingingBetty Sun 18-Sep-11 18:46:13

maybe he is just selfish and cold - thats just some people's personality

foodjunkie Sun 18-Sep-11 18:46:19

He is just so 'detached'. I KNOW why he is like it but yet it still annoys me that he doesn't even acknowledge my "You ok?" text.

He just compartmentalises all aspects of his life & becomes so focussed on one thing he just switches off & becomes oblivious to everyone.

I also know it's not just me that he does this to....I just feel like if he can't be bothered to answer a simple hello text, then he doesn't really care.

But I know he does....& that's what irritates me.

Why did it happen to him? It's not fair because now I am cross at him & it's not his fault.

foodjunkie Sun 18-Sep-11 18:46:56

He is confirmed as AS.

RandomMess Sun 18-Sep-11 18:48:30

surely he always had AS?

localcrackpot Sun 18-Sep-11 18:50:59

Most of my family is mildly (or moderately) Aspie. DH hardly spoke to me for two years once when he was revising and had circumstances aligned I might well have left him, when I really adore him.
I sympathise. Can you train him in expected behaviours? The veil lifted for us when he passed his exam and I immediately showed him that he was meant to spend weekends with me, not in the study. Use what you can. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to anyone with Aspergers - my point is only that we are all creatures of habit and DH for one likes to know how to behave in any given setting, preferably with warning.

On a lighthearted note, he once was SO gutted when he lost his penknife. He didn't want another one, he wanted that one, the one he had had since he was 16. Hoping the same holds true for wives grin

MrsSleepy Sun 18-Sep-11 18:51:04

If you know he has AS and that is how is and always has been how can you get frustrated by it?

foodjunkie Sun 18-Sep-11 18:51:57

Yep he's always had it but there are days when it gets to me. Or rather, his behaviour does....and I hate that because now I feel bad at being cross with him because I should know what to expect, I know what happens, I know what it's like.

Maybe that's the problem. I'm cross with myself for doubting him or having too high an expectation.

localcrackpot Sun 18-Sep-11 18:55:17

Ah, x-post. I'd say you're best telling him repeatedly and clearly in very logical and peaceful terms that you send him a text because you would like to know how he is. If he doesn't reply, that makes you feel like he doesn't care enough to press the buttons and tell you and you worry that he isn't ok. Therefore when he next sees you, you may well be angry with him, which you can't help, because you feel like he doesn't love you. Consequently he should save you from being upset and himself from being in trouble by sending 'I'm fine xxx' (or some other simple, agreed text) in response.

Be very clear. I love that my DH does not do mind games. No lying in our house, it messes with brains!

localcrackpot Sun 18-Sep-11 19:00:55

Seriously, think of it like computer programming. I used to get upset that my life was like an Orson Welles story where a man was alone and set up telephones to ring him back so in 50 years he'd feel like he had a friend, although he was really just alone. (Or something like that, can't remember clearly.) I thought if my DH didn't 'know', telling him what I wanted was cheating, he didn't mean it. He does mean it - he wants to do the right thing. We both try to be as nice to each other as possible and currently we're incredibly happy. I would genuinely recommend the logic approach.

seriouschanger Sun 18-Sep-11 19:01:32

You cant stop the AS but ...it could be also just 'him' dont let a diagnosis be to blame if a person is nasty/ignoring you ....it may just be HIM being arrogant.

Why don't you make your text 'Can you let me know how you are?' that is letting him know you want a response.

Explain to him about how it is normally polite to respond to texts....again he may know this social rule and it is HIM not AS!!!!

foodjunkie Sun 18-Sep-11 19:01:43

Thanks crackpot. I did text him back in very basic wording "Was worried as didn't hear from you despite my asking 3 times".

He hasn't replied to that particular one (Typical of being unable to express emotion) but I know from an email received today that he is ok.

localcrackpot Sun 18-Sep-11 19:14:21

Ah, glad he's ok. I'd break it down even more when you see him in person, as simply as I said above, then keep repeating (even with the same wording if it helps) when he does it again. My guess is despite evidence to the contrary, he really doesn't understand hints. My DH is really good socially but sometimes has surprising gaps here and there. And none of us knows about relationships straight off.

It gets easier - if you take this approach universally in your relationship it is hard to begin with but improves. It was my (Aspie) mum who taught me how to do this with DH. I'd tell her what had happened with DH and she and I would argue about the evidence on whether he had understood what I meant and was just being a sod or not. I don't think you'd guess on meeting my DH that he's Aspie, but the seeming-fine covered up the fact he needs me to be super clear about emotional issues.

Good luck, hope I've not waffled too much nonsense. DH is my best friend too - I hope I haven't given the impression that I think of him as a recalcitrant puppy! He's the boss of me as much as I am of him. Hope you can sort it out easily and feel better soon.

MuthaInsuperior Sun 18-Sep-11 20:39:16

I know how this feels. I was once dating someone with unconfirmed (but pretty sure) aspergers. He would butt in mid sentance because he was bored with what I was saying and change the subject etc and would get fixated on stupid things and ignore everyone else around him. He booked a holiday at one point and became so obsessed with it I barely heard from him again unless it was to do with the damn holiday. Once he'd been, he expected to pick up with me where he left off.
I just couldn't do it. It was doomed from the start.

soggy14 Sun 18-Sep-11 21:29:56

foodjunkie AS in those who are happy with themselves is a condition - it is part of who they are - AS hasn't "taken him away" - it is part of who he is and if you cannot cope with that then find someone else. It seems like this is all about you - not him. Why are you so bothered that he didn't reply to a text? If you are genuinely worried about him then ring him and check he is okay. If not then it seems that you just sent the text to get a response so why not just text him and say that you want a response. Don't set him little "tests" that he has to pass (like trying to remember that you want a reply within a certain time frame to every little text).

RumourOfAHurricane Sun 18-Sep-11 21:57:44

Message withdrawn

Lulworthblue Sun 18-Sep-11 22:11:33

I don't think my dp is necessarily Aspie but what if, in this scenario, he doesn't respect the fact you would like a response, so even if you spell it out to him that you'd like one, he still doesn't do it??

seriouschanger Sun 18-Sep-11 23:18:49

shineon...how come I waffled on and on and you hit it in one sentence grin

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 19-Sep-11 13:13:33

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 19-Sep-11 13:14:01

Message withdrawn

localcrackpot Mon 19-Sep-11 13:52:44

I do agree that one shouldn't let off one's partner about being rude because of AS, just that the thought "she wants to hear from me" doesn't always turn into "so I should reply". Last night, after having typed all that I remembered I'm always bloody telling DH to check his phone and read texts from me at lunch, ha! He does ring me if he's on his own though.

My DH has a high powered job too. He works in IT and is very good with colleagues and customers, as you say he wouldn't dream of not answering a work message or call (to an extent that has had me screaming in the past). This, for him, is to do with tidiness. People ring him when very important things are broken. The knowledge that something is broken which he hasn't fixed drives him loopy (consequently he's a prince of a man with DIY jobs, having read thoroughly on it first, executed it accurately and not being comfortable until it is complete). I think work comes in at priority 1 for phonecalls and I'm priority 4! But in life terms I'm priority 1. If I rang him at work he'd take it seriously, as I never do, but a text is more low profile. I'll ring him when I'm in labour and I don't believe anyone's business critical server down will compete in his mind smile

The key point is this is something comparatively small but hurtful- a passing but repeated dismissal. As this upsets you, tell him clearly, tell him repeatedly, kick off majorly every time he does it.

I think being ridiculously clear with DHs about what you expect is an excellent general policy and will benefit all of us, AS or no grin

Quintessentialist Mon 19-Sep-11 14:02:29

I ignore "you ok?" texts, and general "hello" texts too. I dont have Asbergers. I just find it pointless and irritating, and to be honest, a bit needy.

I would think "wtf." followed by "cant he/she just call me if they really want to know how I am". Then I forget about it. I am not cold, nor callous, nor impersonal. I just find silly little texts totally pointless.

Such texts are in my opinion designed to give appearance of caring, while in actual fact the person sending it is too darn lazy to pick up the phone and find out. And if sent during working hours, when I reasonably dont take/make personal calls, even more so, as I find it disrespectful of my work.

I am sure he would reply to a text such as "hi darling, I am coming around at 8pm, do you want me to bring something?" Or "I am finnishing work early today, will you be able to meet up earlier than arranged?" or "Please can you confirm what time and place we are meeting because I have left my brain at home". Anything else is in my opinion just stupid.

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