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Please help, should I leave DH because of this???

(92 Posts)
Bumsnetter Sun 18-Sep-11 15:50:09

DH and I have 2 DS's and I have one DD from previous relationship although DH and I have been together since he was 1 and he calls him Dad. DD is now 6 and DH has a very short fuse with him but not with the others. The other DD's are better behaved than DD but it is still not on.

He was meant to go to counselling about this as has admitted he has a problem but it got better for a while and it was forgotten about.

This morning we were getting ready to go out and DD didn't want to wear a new pair of shoes as they were hard to get on and uncomfortable, I let her wear some others and DH came along shouted she looked stupid and looked like a prostitute shock .. He made her take them off and put the others on, she was in floods of tears and he then said she was being stupid. We got in the car and I told her she could take them off and I would get her other ones if they were that uncomfortable, DH came along as she was taking them off and screamed at her again, said she couldn't come with us. I turned on him telling him to stop and he said he wasn't oming then.

I followed him into the house to ask what the hell was going on and he said he would rther eat shit than come with us and shoved me out the living room door... I told him i don't want him there when we get back. am shaking .

42day Sun 18-Sep-11 15:55:38

To leave seems as extreme as his behaviour. Think this can't be a one off though. If it is need first to talk to each other. Seems totally bizarre and as if you need some time out/away from him poor dc.

susiedaisy Sun 18-Sep-11 16:07:54

no i wouldnt leave a marriage based on just this outburst, crappy as it was, is there more going on? has your dh been like this with your dd for the entire time you have been with him? does he ever speak to her in a decent manner?, his behaviour was unacceptable yes, and he needs to address this, but leave a marriage based on just this? no i wouldnt. hope your poor dd is ok.

Catslikehats Sun 18-Sep-11 16:13:12

How awful for you.

I don't think I've ever said "leave him" on a thread but if my DH called my DD a prostitute and trepeatedly screamed at her over nothing I would certainly wnt him out of teh way for a while.

You say he has treated her poorly in the past and that combined with being shoved would likely make me totally reassess our relationship. I actually don't think I could stay with a man who behaved like that.

minimouse888 Sun 18-Sep-11 16:16:33

How old are your other DC?

Bumsnetter Sun 18-Sep-11 16:23:17

I just don't want him there when I get back, I feel so angry and confused and want some space. No it's not a regular thing, we've been together 5 years and it has happened once before. Other DC's are 9 months and 3.

notherdaynotherdollar Sun 18-Sep-11 16:59:44

shall you leave him? no one except you can decide that

i would suggest though that your childrens needs should come before either yours or his

Bumsnetter Sun 18-Sep-11 17:24:56

I would leave him because of the ongoing stress within his and Dd's relationship, this was the final straw. I just think he has to seriously address his issues sad

solidgoldbrass Sun 18-Sep-11 17:31:16

I think you are doing the right thing telling him to get out. He is being horrible to your DD and he physically attacked you by pushing you. If you don't throw him out now the abuse will get worse. Abusive men escalate their behaviour, the more they get away with, the more nasty things they will do.
Whose name is the house in? If it's in joint names, getting him to go may be a bit more difficult, though it can be done (particularly if he is aggressive: you can get the police to come and remove him).

garlicnutty Sun 18-Sep-11 17:33:24

He told a six-year-old she looked like a prostitute? shock

I'm afraid I would be very wary of a man who made this link with a young child, even it was only the once.

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 18-Sep-11 17:38:10

HE TOLD A 6 year old she looked like a prostitute shock

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 18-Sep-11 17:38:55

Oh x post with GN

CactusRash Sun 18-Sep-11 17:39:08

OP, somehow, I think there is somethingelse going on for you to react like this.
I can see why you are angry/gutted by his behavior. But if this was really a one off, you would be over reacting. So could you explain
He was meant to go to counselling about this as has admitted he has a problem but it got better for a while and it was forgotten about.

Do you mean that he is difficult with your dd (who isn't his) and that has been an issue for a while?
If this has been the case and he is refusing to really do something about it, then yes I think you are right. Your duty is to protect your dcs, all of them.
When you are saying he has some serious issues to address, what do you mean?
I am all for supporting your DP if he has some issues (whatever the reason), however there is a point where the needs of the other persons involved (you, the dcs) have to take precedence over that. So can you say what else is going on?

CactusRash Sun 18-Sep-11 17:39:54

garlic I agree. This comment was totally unacceptable

GingerLa Sun 18-Sep-11 17:40:40

Not sure if the focus of your decision should be an opinion on how serious his out burst was, but simply on the way it made you feel. Some time apart is for sure, not only for yourself but for all your DC as although not all involved watching this behaviour or feeling tention in the house can be just as damaging..... Only you can decide if how he made you feel is warrent enough to leave him but by own standards If I felt I had to protect my child from a show of aggression in our own home.. Id be leaving.

ImperialBlether Sun 18-Sep-11 17:45:48

It's not a connection that anyone normal would make, is it? It would be interesting to see the shoes actually - can you link to them, OP? Presumably she's had them for a while and he hasn't said anything?

I wouldn't put up with anyone screaming at my child. If this is how he's behaved with your child now, think how he'll behave when she's a teenager. She can't help but notice the difference in the way he treats her.

If she does sense a difference, that may explain why her behaviour isn't always good.

I think you've done the right thing by telling him to get out for now. He sounds too angry to have a civilised conversation.

TheOriginalFAB Sun 18-Sep-11 17:49:14

It sounds to me that he doesn't even like your DD even if she does call him dad and has known her since she was 1. sad

RedHotPokers Sun 18-Sep-11 17:53:59

OP, there is no excuse for the way he spoke to your DD. It is totally unacceptable, and until he realises that then there is obviously a big problem.

I have no direct experience of step parenting, but I know how easy it is for issues re. my DCs and how to deal with bad behaviour to escalate between DH and I (and he is their father). I can only imagine how difficult it is when you have all the worry of whether the SF is treating DCs differently. Can you be objective about this?

I would suggest you need to have close look at where things are breaking down. Is your H always unreasonable when dealing with your DD? If at times he is a little bit harsher than you would be, but arguably slightly unreasonable, do you back him up and present a united front?

FWIW, I probably shout at my DD more than my DS. This is because DD can be more frustrating and more disobediant. It doesn't mean I love her less than DS.

Bumsnetter Sun 18-Sep-11 17:54:51

They were black leather Clarks winter boots.. The issues I refer to are the way he has no patience with DD, her beaviour can be difficult and they are both very stubborn but hd is the adult ffs. he wasn't talking to DD when he said those things, it was to me bug obviously she was there sad

ToothbrushThief Sun 18-Sep-11 17:57:22

I'm sorry OP but your children come before this manchild. His tantrums could affect them for a long time

Tortington Sun 18-Sep-11 18:03:52

he said she looked like a prostitute - shes 6. he said she was stupid - she is 6.

he is obviously a twat.

you however undermined his request as a parent to change shoes. you told her she could take them off - out of earshot of your dh

that was wrong too - you should have took him to one side and discussed it with him rather than directly undermine him.

he shoved you - you should seriously think about your place in this relationship - if you thnk its worth fighting for insist on councelling with relate and anger management,

if you dont - just fuck him off and start again

ImperialBlether Sun 18-Sep-11 18:34:05

Her daughter said her shoes were uncomfortable, Custardo. I would tell my child she could take them off, under those circumstances. Who wants to hobble around in their shoes?

He'd already said her daughter looked like a prostitute at that point - I wouldn't have wanted to discuss anything with him at that point.

Bumsnetter Sun 18-Sep-11 19:48:40

He has never ever said anything remotely like this before (the prostitute remark)... it was a very strange thing to say & aimed at me rather than DD.

I arrived home a couple of hours ago, he has been lovely to the kids & put them to bed, hasn't spoken or even looked at me. I haven't said anything to him either.

Bumsnetter Sun 18-Sep-11 21:01:39

Bump anyone?

Tortington Sun 18-Sep-11 21:02:45

he shoved you - but its your fault?

he's good at this

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