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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do I speak to my mother about this?

26 replies

ImYourDaughter · 17/09/2011 23:38

I would like to marry a man! however my mum absolutely loathes him... I really believe this is the man I want commit to for life and he feels this way about me too. He has told his mother and family. But I still haven't told my mum, she will be angry and make things difficult for me. My family is Caribbean and his family are Nigerian, family are so important to us both when making these decisions. I'm not sure how to talk to her? When to talk to her? ...What do I say?

(I'm asking on this website because I thought it would be helpful to get mothers opinions)

OP posts:

Report

blackeyedsusan · 17/09/2011 23:40

why does she loathe him? has she explained her reasons to you?

TrillianAstra · 17/09/2011 23:42

What are her reasons? Does she have any? Does she have an ideal of what her son in law should be like, or would she be unhappy about anyone taking her daughter away from her?

Gastonladybird · 17/09/2011 23:44

What others said as need more background- also may be useful putting this I'm relationships as might get more answers there (not everyone looks at Aibu)

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 17/09/2011 23:45

Is your different background relevant to her dislike of him?! Is that why you mentioned it?

Ultimately, you are the one married to him, not her. All she needs to do is be civil when's she sees him, and when she sees how happy you are with him, she might change her mind about him.

lechatnoir · 17/09/2011 23:49

Have you been together long? If not, would it be worth just allowing a little more time for her to actually get to know him? My mum couldn't bare my DH initially (she's a snob & he wasn't posh enough ) but after about 2 years of being together she finally started trying to get to know him and realised he was actually rather lovely and now thinks he so wonderful it's sickening!!

ImYourDaughter · 17/09/2011 23:50

he is my first love, we were together for a long time, and she was very good to him! He messed me around and we split up (this was over a year ago) He hurt me a lot, and me being an idiot told my mum about how he'd hurt me and various things about the relationship, which I should have just kept to myself. I hurt him a lot also but my mum is my mum, she will always be protective. Since then she has hated to even hear his name. He's been in my life again since January. We are doing things properly this time and treating each other right.

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 17/09/2011 23:52

Well I can see why she wouldn't be particularly enamoured of him if he hurt you before.

We're talking emotionally, right? If he hurt you physically then get the fuck out of there.

Soups · 17/09/2011 23:53

Well, that's a pretty big add on to the story.

ImYourDaughter · 17/09/2011 23:53

he is my first love, we were together for a long time, and she was very good to him! He messed me around and we split up (this was over a year ago) He hurt me a lot, and me being an idiot told my mum about how he'd hurt me and various things about the relationship, which I should have just kept to myself. I hurt him a lot also but my mum is my mum, she will always be protective. Since then she has hated to even hear his name. He's been in my life again since January. We are doing things properly this time and treating each other right.

OP posts:

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 17/09/2011 23:54

If he is genuinely a decent bloke, and it was purely the two of you doing mean things because you were splitting up, then I reckon she'll come round. If the things he did were truly nasty, maybe your Mum's got a point. What do you think life will be like once you are married?! Fiery? Chilled?

How old are you both? If you are only 12, I shall be shouting!!!

ImYourDaughter · 17/09/2011 23:55

sorry I am new to this site, I tried to ask this on Yahoo Answers earlier and people complained at my post being too long so I kept it short on here

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 17/09/2011 23:56

In what way(s) did he hurt you? And what makes you think that it will be different this time round?

troisgarcons · 17/09/2011 23:56

Blimey. I'll be slated but I've never, in a work environment, met West Indians and Africans that tolerated - let alone talk to each other. There is so much bigotry in that entire historical backgound, I wish you all the luck in the world sorting that one out.

But, FWIW ~ you will meet many men you can live with, if this is the man you cannot live without - then marry him and be happy.

Your mother wants your happiness - he will have to earn her trust before she gives her blessing.

ImYourDaughter · 17/09/2011 23:58

no! He never hurt me physically, it was all emotional and we had both hurt each other. We've learnt a lot together and grown so much together these years which has deepened our love and care for each other.

An to the person who asked about nationality, yes I feel that my extended Caribbean side of the family (Grandma, uncles etc.) are prejudiced when it comes to African men

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TrillianAstra · 17/09/2011 23:59

Oh I hope we can be more helpful than Yahoo answers.

How old were you when you first got together? It's possible that your mum is still thinking of you as the little girl he broke up with then (in a normal teenage kind of way) and thinking of him as the boy who hurt her little girl.

On the other hand she might be right and he might not be good for you.

troisgarcons · 17/09/2011 23:59

lovvie, you'll have a hard time convincing your extended family to review their prejudices.

Maryz · 18/09/2011 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImYourDaughter · 18/09/2011 00:20

my mum is very very protective especially as my father is not around so often. My mum is also young and we are very close! I often dismiss spending time with my friends to spend time with her. I know that the thought of me married is very daunting for her :(

OP posts:

Maryz · 18/09/2011 00:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImYourDaughter · 18/09/2011 00:26

this true!! :) I hadn't thought of it that way

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troisgarcons · 18/09/2011 00:30

The only way your mother will now accept this man is if he shows her he is worthy of you! And it will take time for the distrust to evaporate.

You also have the whole cultural thing to over come.

Sooooooo there is a whole lot of ground work to be done here.

allgoodindahood · 18/09/2011 09:26

I'm Nigerian, my dad nearly fainted when I told him I wanted to marry a white man! But my first short marriage to a Nigerian my parents actually approved of was hellish, so from experience I would say, marry whoever you love regardless of what your mum thinks. However, what my dad really appreciated was when Dh visited him, got to know him, had some bevvies and asked his permission properly. I think your partner has to be brave, bite the bullet and talk to your mum, spend time convincing her he is sorry and is serious now. Buy flowers and basically kiss her arse. As a Nigerian he will know how important it is to have her blessing. His willingness to do this will be a good sign of things to come. Fwiw my parents thinly the sun shines from Dh bum now, the whole family love him. good luck!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/09/2011 09:38

YANBU to marry him if you want to but I would also add.... listen to your mother and go into this eyes wide open. It's very common that people in love think parents are just being silly, prejudiced, or irrational in some way about their choice of partner. Sometimes they are, but you'd be surprised how often there's a good reason why they don't like someone. Maybe a compromise would be to live with the man for a while, see if he shapes up to expectations and let your mother see the new-look changed him. 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure, etc.'

MorelliOrRanger · 18/09/2011 10:28

How old are you and do you live with your mum or on your own?

Really it's none of your mothers business who you marry if you are over 18, however, she's only being protective of you though and doesn't want you to get hurt again.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 20/09/2011 01:11

I'm willing to be slated with you troisgarcons.

I once had the misfortune to have some dealings with a community relations project that employed Afro-Caribbeans, Africans, Sikhs and Muslims together with a handful of white staff seconded by the CRE.

It is fair to say that the Afro-Caribbeans and Africans loathed each other, the Sikhs barely tolerated the Muslims and vice versa and both groups looked down on their Afro-Caribbean and African colleagues, while the Muslims also formed factions as they were of different persuasions -Shi'a and Sunni.

Stand up fights were not unusual and the police were called to the offices on more than one occasion.

The project's brief was to promote racial harmony in the community

It would be gratifying to think that this state of affairs has improved, but I have my doubts.

Flip

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