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Would this irritate the point of explosion?

(24 Posts)
minxofmancunia Sat 17-Sep-11 14:17:14

Or am i just a "nag" neurotic, "having a go for no reason" etc.etc.

Everytime we go ANYWHERE we'll all be ready and they'll be some sort of 10 minute faff that dh causes...every time, now I've just started walking out of the house and then get it in the neck for not waiting.

When we're walking somewhere going at a snails pace, dawdling behind with dd so I'm constantly having to stop and wait for them.

Total refusal to carry his wallet and keys around so I have to clutter my handbag with them, or be the only one with keys on me.

When I try gently to "discuss" things carrying on talking to the kids, playing with smartphone, browsing interner, answering texts etc.

beer cans lined up on the breakfast bar....increasing in volume night after night...never make it out to the recycling bin.

Dirty towels dropped on the floor..every morning. Ditto carnage in the bathroom when he's bathed dcs.

Kids pyjamas scattered all over the living room, never make it back upstairs if he's got them dressed.

Ripped open envelopes just left on the floor/side never make it to the paper bin.

There are a few more, I know they all sound like stupid pointless things to get het up about but I feel like I'm so sick of his messiness, and his faffing and dawdling. We row about it constantly now, to the point that we're almost unable to have a civil we avoid talking so as not to upset the dcs and there's this horrible tension. I DO go on too much and I have said some hurtful things I acknowledge that but surely these things, repeated on a daily basis would drive anyone up the wall.

MmeLindor. Sat 17-Sep-11 14:21:56

Yes, some of these things would irritate me. And I am a messy person myself, and have to force myself to be tidier.

What are his good points?

Nagoo Sat 17-Sep-11 14:26:39

yes they would annoy me.

You don't like him much do you?

I have to force myself to spend time remembering what I like about DH sometimes. You need a session of that, sharpish.

minxofmancunia Sat 17-Sep-11 14:30:05

I am naturally messy but since having dcs have forces myself to be tidy as otherwise it would descend into chaos, and now I can't stand it messy and have become a bit obsessive about it!

Good points? He's a very devoted Dad, hard working, puts all his money towards our home. He can be kind and funny when he's not stressed and irritable. Friendly, sociable.

He does "rant" alot though these days something he never used to do, and can be quite vitriolic about people, sometimes sin front of our friends, makes me cringe. And he goes into mind numbingly boring detail when recounting something, people who know him well have actually said sorry that's too much detail i can't listen anymore. He rants on and on and on to me about his new job. I've told him to lump it, he's earning £80k....he's paid to put up with s**t!! I know that sounds harsh but I'm a nurse working in the NHS and get a pittance in comparison and work just as hard!

MmeLindor. Sat 17-Sep-11 14:33:01

It sounds like you need to reconnect with him.

You need to sit down. Both of you write down what you like about the other partner. Then write down what you don't like.

Then decide which of the "don't likes" are most important.

Then both agree to work on these points.

You are both stuck in a cycle of negativity.

LancsDad Sat 17-Sep-11 14:34:28

Irritate - Yes

To the point of Explosion - No

Seems like something more fundamental is up and this is how it's manifesting itself.

minxofmancunia Sat 17-Sep-11 14:36:13

mmelindor he's taken the kids out, I was thinking of making a list of the things I should try to change about myself, and ways to improve our relationship! E.g not nag so much, get a babysitter every 2 weeks and go out just us, not always with friends (which is what we tend to do if have a sitter).

I was thinking I would really really like to go to the cinema with him. But we have such different taste in films..and he's in such a foul mood with me he'd refuse today.

nametapes Sat 17-Sep-11 14:38:11

He sounds to me like he is taking you for granted, and just dumps stuff knowing you will hopefully clear up after him. Its somewhat 'all about him' by the sound of it..
He needs to be more tidy, thoughtful of how you feel, and realise you are the lovely person he marred and should love and care for you more rather than rant on, leave a mess everywhere. Ripped open envelopes left of the floor !!! WHAT ? Disgusting lazy man !!!
After all its not like you dont have a job and work hard too.
YANBU and it would drive me totally nuts too!

TeachMySelfBalance Sat 17-Sep-11 14:42:13

It is hard, but if you can step back and
relax. Your new found energy for tidiness-"a bit obsessive about it"- is your obsession, not his. Imho, you (anyone) can't force someone else to have your perspective, iyswim.

Try to accept him just as he is. I know, I know...some of these things are not the way things should be; but it isn't a perfect world.

The troubling one for me is the last minute dwadle. That is a control tactic.
And the ranting/talking on is suggesting that he may have an issue with boundaries. Or is he trying to 'one up' you on the 'my job is more stressful than your job' front? As a nurse, you've got that one hands down.

Hire a housekeeper. It is just too much for you to do it all.

minxofmancunia Sat 17-Sep-11 14:43:01

It is a manifestation of something bigger I think. I yearn for him to be like he was years ago, funny, kind, friendly, relaxed. We were like 2 peas in a pod. We've both found having dcs hideously more than him tbh. He has a much longer tether with them than me,

But when i'm on my own with them they're fine, it's easy we have a lovely time. When we're together they're a pain, stressy, fretful, attention seeking. I think they sense the tension sad.

TeachMySelfBalance Sat 17-Sep-11 14:43:57

x posts..
what nametapes said, too.

minxofmancunia Sat 17-Sep-11 14:45:58

teachmyselfbalance I agree it IS controlling, always making me late, always holding me up. Every time we try to leave a friends house etc. me standing by the door going "come on, come on".

He's mad at me today because I went out last night and got in at 3am, friends leaving do. He said he was worried about me but I think he's quite possessive.

nametapes Sat 17-Sep-11 14:51:15

Am glad you went out and he got jealous etc... good for you to get out and let your hair down and he 'man the ship' for a while.
Hire a housekeeper????????? TEACHMYSELFBALANCE???
That costs money...... all ok if you're loaded i guess!

NorthernerAtHeart Sat 17-Sep-11 14:52:54

Just a thought, but with the amount that he earns, and you working too, could you afford a cleaner?
I used to get so sick of the mess DH would leave around and it would take me ages just to tidy up, never mind clean the house. Anyway, I decided we would get a cleaner and haven't looked back. Once a week for £22, I get to walk in to a house that is the picture of calm and tranquility.
Ok, the rest of the week it gradually ends up more and more messy, but once a week we quickly tidy everything away so that she can clean properly.
It doesn't solve the problem of him being such a mess around the place (which would drive me insane), but does get you a nice tidy clean house once a week that you can enjoy.
The delaying and walking miles behind......been there too. Either miles behind, or way in front. Again totally irritating.

minxofmancunia Sat 17-Sep-11 14:54:08

We have a cleaner! I do so much tidying because she will tidy but I don't want her to spend her 3 hours tidying, I want her to be cleaning!

She comes on a wed and I literally spend hours on a tuesday eve tidying from all the crap that's just been left lying around by dh and dcs.

nametapes Sat 17-Sep-11 14:54:11

£22 is fine.......... for cleaner.
housekeepers sound expensive ......

minxofmancunia Sat 17-Sep-11 14:55:51

northeneratheart..yes when I get back from work on a wed eve the house is a haven of calm and cleanliness. By sat am it's a pigsty again!

MmeLindor. Sat 17-Sep-11 14:56:57

Right, then sit down and arrange with him that you each spend FIVE minutes each evening doing a quick tidy up.

That is all it takes, if you have a cleaner once a week, just to stay on top of it all.

Nagoo Sat 17-Sep-11 14:58:03

he he DH does the detail thing. I could tell the story in an entertaining fashion in 2 mins. He's still going after 15. I go and get another beer. smile

garlicnutty Sat 17-Sep-11 15:05:36

He sounds like Kevin The Teenager hmm

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up. I wouldn't treat him like a child, because he isn't one. Presumably you thought you were marrying a partner, not taking over the adult role for an emotionally under-developed twerp.

I bet you anything he won't grow up, though. So I think you'll have two choices in the end: [a] Quit; [b] Hive off as much as you can, domestically, to third parties and proceed to conduct your life as if he wasn't there.

The third alternative is to carry on expecting him to turn into an adult, carry on being disappointed and frustrated, then grow into a bitter old age.

garlicnutty Sat 17-Sep-11 15:09:32

Oops, forgot to mention Transactional Analysis. Sounds like you're stuck in Parent-Child mode. Break out of this by NEVER talking to him as if he were a teenager (no "Hurry ups!" and the like.) Be a reasonable adult at all times, expecting him to be the same. When If he doesn't, use a selection of stock phrases like "We're off now, bye", "Sorry you feel that way", "I see your point of view," etc. Don't play Mum to his Kevin.

Good luck.

minxofmancunia Sat 17-Sep-11 15:14:52

Thanks garlicnutty about the TA stuff, We are in critical parent/child mode.

Ok I will no longer nag or cajole, or belittle. I'll just try to sound like a reasonable adult at all times. One of the often most cited phrases in our disputes is i feel as if I'm living with a 15 year old.

garlicnutty Sat 17-Sep-11 18:47:11

Believe me, I can see why ...

gastonscave Sat 17-Sep-11 18:54:35

I could have written this post about me and husband. It sounds so similar

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