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Am I depressed or is this part of the whole process?

(15 Posts)
takemeawayfromhere Sat 17-Sep-11 01:08:58

He had an affair and I found out 11 months ago, since then i've cried inconsolably most days though can control it far better in front of others now, but I still feel so lost and consumed by it all. I can't see an end to it and think i'll always feel this aching sadness. Is this 'normal'? As the saying goes, shouldn't time have helped my healing by now? The g.p prescribed me anti-d's 6 months ago, I started to take them but then decided that I wanted to know when I was feeling more myself naturally rather than feeling better because the pills were kicking in but i'm not so sure now :S I can put on my brave face and act like i'm happier than happy, then walk out the room and crumble with sadness and self-pity. I hate that he's made me this way.

FabbyChic Sat 17-Sep-11 01:11:38

It could certainly be depression but unless you take the medication how will you ever know? Do you want to live a life where all you feel is sadness? The anti-d's may allow you to have some perspective.

Did you leave him or are you still together? Have you tried couple therapy?

Bluebelle38 Sat 17-Sep-11 01:14:43

Have you ever spoken to anyone,professional I mean, in conjunction with the ADs?

How is he? Does he think it's all OK? Are you afraid to tell him how much you are still hurting?

takemeawayfromhere Sat 17-Sep-11 01:31:30

i'm afraid that if I take the ad's that i'll feel better, come off them and feel exactly the same as I do now sad We are 'together' he declares his undying love towards me but i feel myself pulling away, it feels so false though he promises that it's not. I feel so uncertain of the path my life is going to take, I feel it's cruel to stay with him but can't be without him.. I love him so much yet obviously not enough to forgive him and let it all go, and I hate feeling like this. I feel guilty for being horrid to him, one word answers alot of the time, but then there are snippets of the way we used to be together and i curse myself for being happy with him, I just don't know what to think or what to do. I never imagined ever having such mixed feelings towards him and I truely want us to be ok but there is a part of me that tells me it will never be the same again. It hurts so much. He knows this and has vowed to do whatever it takes to make me happy and prove how sorry he is and how much I mean to him. But how can he when he was able to crush me like this in the first place? I tried contacting a counsellor severeal times, a contact recommended through occupational health in my workplace but kept reaching the answerphone so gave up. I don't feel that it would be any help though anyway because I'm not a great talker and can't seem to process my thoughts to say them aloud x

SansaLannister Sat 17-Sep-11 01:33:17

You aren't depressed. He's a twat. Why on Earth are you taking ADs after he fucked someone else? Is he one of these blokes who think you should just forgive and forget? Because if that's so, that's why you are so fucked up. Because it is nigh on impossible to forget your husband fucked someone else and pretend it never happened.

Time doesn't heal a thing, it just puts more distance between you and the said event, which is his fucking someone else.

SansaLannister Sat 17-Sep-11 01:36:07

'I love him so much yet obviously not enough to forgive him and let it all go,'

Because that's not possible with a lot of counselling on the part of BOTH of you and his continually owning up to his colossal fuck up.

And even then, since WWIFN is no longer here, he needs to: move out, not attempt to shag you, do whatever it takes for however long it takes and lastly make it clear to you that, even after all that and the counselling, if it still doesn't work for you, it's over.

Anyone who doesn't do this is a pisstaker.

FabbyChic Sat 17-Sep-11 01:42:16

When you take them you need to take them until they work, then you wean yourself off of them so that you remain stable. You cannot start anti-d's then just stop it makes you ten times worse.

If not for anti'd's I'd be dead and my children would have no mother.

For me they are a way of life. Without them I cannot be normal, I cannot function.

I know that I'd be in hospital within a month if I did not take them.

They are not for everybody some believe therapy is better, but I found that unhelpful.

takemeawayfromhere Sat 17-Sep-11 01:52:55

Sansa, I get days when I completely feel what you are saying... but in a strange way your post gets my back up? I just want to jump up and defend him yet I know what you're saying is right :S We've been together for so many years, have children, memories good and bad and have pulled through some tough situations and i can't just let that all go, and I love him deeply, yet I don't understand and it makes me furious that he let all of this slip his mind to have a bit of 'fun'. I thought we had 'fun' we hardly ever rowed and were trying for another baby. He's destroyed what we had planned for our future but I still want a future with him, I just can't get myself over this to let it happen.

SansaLannister Sat 17-Sep-11 01:56:05

Your 'depression' is situational, OP. You're quite right to defend him. You're quite right to be angry with him. You're quite right not to just let it go.

HE needs to be the one popping the pills and making things allright here. Not you.

SansaLannister Sat 17-Sep-11 01:56:59

I take ADs. I have for over 8 years. But my depression is chemical. It's not because my husband had an affair and wrecked life as I knew it.

sternface Sat 17-Sep-11 02:10:19

Has your H had any therapy of his own?
Read any books, websites or literature to help him understand why he did this?
Does he regularly ask you whether you need to talk about what happened and why?
Does he answer your questions honestly and understand why you need to ask them?
Encourage you not to bottle your feelings up and is willing to accept any anger from you?
Is he still in contact with the woman he had the affair with?
Does he know why he was unfaithful?

The answers to these questions might tell you whether in fact your response is absolutely reasonable in the circumstances - and not depression at all.

frutilla Sat 17-Sep-11 02:33:41

I really feel for you and what you're going through. I think it's normal to react the way you are and it's part of the cycle. It's like grief, you are grieving for the relationship you had and I do believe that it is possible to move forward in the spiral, although not come full circle iyswim. It may take years, but I think if you still love each other the periods of happiness together will get longer and the bad times shorter until you can cope. If you need to take AD's you shouldn't feel bad about taking them, I've taken them for short periods (always slow to wean off).

kipperandtiger Sat 17-Sep-11 02:46:09

It can be normal if it's completely unexpected - your grief is quite likely to be also due to grief at being betrayed, at your dreams being shattered by someone else's doing, grief at your life now being changed, you are grieving about how your own life has been turned upside down through no fault of yours.

Infidelity is one of the major things that can rock marriages/partnerships - you need to decide how you want to get through this as a couple, indeed, if you even want to remain a couple. Are your tears also partly because you feel you should no longer be a couple, but circumstances, obligations - and he - are compelling you to stay together? Unresolved conflict and doubt will not end well - usually eventually leads to breakdown of the relationship. Counselling is one way to work through it.

If you can function during the day and the night despite feeling sad - ie you can still hold down a job (if that's what you currently do) or look after children, prepare your meals and eat them, keep your clothes, home and self clean, drive or make decisions without getting distracted, then you possibly don't need the pills. But if you are not sleeping at all, or wanting to sleep all the time or not get up, unable to eat or keep the house, can't join in any conversations without breaking down, and have frequent thoughts of harming yourself or suicide, it may be that you now need antidepressants.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sat 17-Sep-11 06:01:03

I agree with kipper

wicketkeeper Sat 17-Sep-11 20:43:22

My gut feeling is that you are not depressed. You are sad, angry, dismayed, upset and spitting tacks, but not depressed. You are reacting in a perfectly normal way to a life-changing situation - that is not the definition of depression. Doctor's do sometimes reach for the AD's a bit quick - mine wanted to prescribe them when I was 'down' after the death of my DS1. Erm, I was sad because my son had died, this is a perfectly normal reaction, and I was extremely angry that he had tried to 'medicalise' my perfectly normal reaction, as if there was something wrong with me. There would have been more wrong with me if I hadn't been upset iyswim.
Some form of counseling might be useful for you - just using MN can be cathartic - but I wouldn't go down the medication route. Why shouldn't you be sad? Cry your eyes out, then wash your face, brush your hair, dust yourself down, and do what you've got to do. You'll get there.

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