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noone to confide in, someone please tell me this is a sham

(48 Posts)
mulberrybabe Sat 17-Sep-11 00:33:36

There is noone for me to turn to,i know i would have eventually confided in my mum but its too late now.
I have been married for 20yrs. First off he is a great provider and a brilliant dad to the dc. I will cut to the chase
A couple of years ago i fell ill with terrible pains in my back and tummy. I was vomiting for days on end and i also had a terrible burning when i went to the loo. Eventually told it was a severe kidney infection and was put on anti biotics but it wouldnt clear, the doc was talking of sending me straight to hosp. As i struggled out of bed to get dressed to go to hosp my dh said he had to tell me something. His eyes filled with tears. I was terrified i thought he was ill. He then told me that he had gone to a stag do organized by an old work boss and he had let a stripper give him oral sex. He said he was scared my illness was something he had given me. Tbh i was in pain and shock i didnt think about it for another 6 weeks. He is the type of man who never talks about sex or makes lewd comments about women. He never checks any female out whilst driving. To say i was shocked was an understatement.
Fast forward to now. The truth is he never ever wants sex. He hasnt kissed me in over ten years. He never hugs me or tells me he loves me. He never talks to me. Looking back i remember opening a tab he had left on the computer it said It was porn. He denied it was him and was going to let me blame our son. I came in from shopping for or five years ago and he had left a porn vid in machine and dd found it. And three weeks ago he had seen me crying because i feel so crap about myself and whilst browsing the computer i opened a tab he had left on, it was porn where he had put his post code in to see local girls. He denied it was him and when i said i would ask my son he confessed He said he was so sorry and it was insensative because of what i was going through. He always manages to make it seem like its nowhere near as bad as i think it is. Like he said he had to put in the postcode otherwise the pics wouldnt come up. I nearly lost my mind at the beginning of last year because i found strange numbers on the mobile phone bill. He recieved a couple of weird texts (i snooped). He does buy and sell so maybe it was just business and there was a text from something called the kitten club. Do they send texts randomely? I am in such a pickle, is this marriage a sham? I am a very paranoid person so maybe sometimes he is telling the truth and men do look at porn dont they!!!!!!!

madhattershouse Sat 17-Sep-11 00:40:09

men look at porn..FACT. Some sites do send out random e-mails and texts, my dp had some ( i know because he was wondering who had sent them and could not work his phone, he is a techno-dinosaur so there was no way he asked for this). On the other hand I would be concerned if he was browsing local sites for "porn chat", not that it means he will stray, more the reason he feels the need to chat in that way to someone else.

AurraSing Sat 17-Sep-11 00:48:51

It doesn't matter what other men do or don't do. Or if he is a good father. What matters is that you sound unhappy and alone.
You need to work together to make this relationship a success and that means he needs to show you that you matter to him and show you affection.
Have you talk to him and told him how unhappy you are?

Bluebelle38 Sat 17-Sep-11 00:50:42

He didn't have to put in a local postcode though, did he? He could have put in any postcode.

You poor thing, no intimate affection for 10 years. I think it does sound like a sham that you are in, although I hate the term.

This isn't right and you know that. So he hasn't had sex with you in 10 years? Do you think he may have been getting it elsewhere and that he feels guilty about it and can't be intimate with you as a result.

I'd have to ask him outright if that is the case if I was you.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this, but you aren't on your own. People are here for you.

sternface Sat 17-Sep-11 00:53:05

Some men look at porn, but not all.

Fewer men have sex with strippers, leave porn for their children to find and get blamed for, refuse to be intimate with their partners for over a decade, lie to them about using sex sites that don't require postcodes and receive unsolicited texts from sex sites.

Yes, this is a sham, sorry sad

mulberrybabe Sat 17-Sep-11 00:58:14

He hasnt kissed me in ten years but we occassionally have sex. He doesnt touch me or kiss me. It churns in my stomach that he let a young and probably pretty and slim girl give him oral sex without a condom.
Your right he didnt have to put our post code in. What i need to know in my mind is although he didnt have intercourse with this girl, was he technically unfaithfull? Thank you so much it is so nice to unburden, i am in tears just at being able to talk about it.
Yes he does know how i feel i collapsed in tears two weeks ago and he said he would make much more of an effort, but he hasnt really. I just want to be hugged and made to feel sexy and desired.

Bluebelle38 Sat 17-Sep-11 01:03:31

Have a cry and get it out.

I think you know you have to leave. How many false promises is he going to make. He has seen you so upset and he is not prepared to do anything to help you.

Is there no friend IRL that you can talk to, maybe go and visit for a few days?

You can feel sexy and desirable again, it just wont be with him. And you don't feel like that with him anyway.

I know he confessed because you were so sick, but that is the only reason he did confess. That's what makes me wonder if there has been more. He wouldn't tell you if there had been though, would he.

You are his wife, you are in pain and he knows that and he is off getting his jollies off on porn sites at the very least.

His behaviour towards you is really sickening. It sounds like he wants the convenience and comfort of home but to hell with how you feel.

sternface Sat 17-Sep-11 01:10:36

Yes of course he was unfaithful. I also agree that this was unlikely to have been the only occasion. Divorce courts are not interested in the details of infidelity because the grounds you would use would be unreasonable behaviour. The stripper incident and the other behaviours you have outlined in your OP are more than sufficient grounds for unreasonable behaviour. In particular, allowing children to be exposed to porn.

oldenoughtowearpurple Sat 17-Sep-11 01:30:41

I think your marriage is a sham. For me the biggest problem is 'he never talks to me'. Without discussion you don't have a relationship.

AurraSing Sat 17-Sep-11 01:32:12

Yes he was unfaithful.
If you want to stay with him and if you want your relationship to change, you have to give him a harder time.
He didn't 'let a stripper give him oral sex' he paid a stipper to give him oral sex. And he shouldn't be trying to make more of an effort, he should be fighting to keep you and proving that he made a mistake and will not do it again. From your posts, he seems to be taking you for granted and doesn't seem to think your relationship is a risk. I think you need to show him that you will leave him if he doesn't change his attitude.

kerrymumbles Sat 17-Sep-11 01:35:42

dear god woman.

he hasn't shown you any affection in 10 years?

why on earth are you still with him.

you need to deal with your self-esteem issues. immediately and get rid of that fuck. he is disrespectful, deceitful and unloving.

you deserve better. you really do. life is short and when it's over, it's over. Do you want to look back and THIS be the sum of your life?

I didn't think so.

kerrymumbles Sat 17-Sep-11 01:37:41

and wtf is a stripper who gave him head going to do to him. there's only 2 things i can think of and that's hpv and herpes. maybe chylmidia.

don't think any of those would give you a kidney infection.

he fucked the whore.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 17-Sep-11 03:21:52

I'm with kerry on this - the chances of your h contracting a std from a blow job, and passing it to you in the circumstances he has described, are non-existent as strippers do not provide sexual services as part of their job description .

In order for you to have been put at risk by your h's extra martial relations I suspect that he had been (and still is) using prostitutes, one or more of whom may have provided a 'show' at a stag do that was held in a house/flat - but I doubt that was any such stag event.

Put any notion of paranoia to one side as it is not relevant to what you must do next, which is to sit him down and have a very serious talk about what you are both looking for in your marriage and whether it is worth continuing given that he shows no interest in you and, following his 'confession', you cannot trust him.

If you want to continue in the marriage, the dealbreaker must be that unless he agrees to attend counselling with Relate or a similar organisation, there is no future for your marriage and you may as well start divorce proceedings now.

BTW, you can divorce while living under the same roof providing you are not cohabiting in the biblical sense. You can petition for divorce online for very little cost and you won't need the services of a solicitor unless you cannot agree on maintenance/childcare. Do you have a spare room he can move into?

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch Sat 17-Sep-11 05:57:49

Before you talk to him please understand the fact that this is not your fault, as well.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Sat 17-Sep-11 07:09:39

I want to pick you up on a small but, I think, important point.

You say twice that he "let" a stripper give him a blow job.

Uhm, no. He chose to receive a blow job from a stripper. It was his conscious decision.

Same as he chose to look for local women, chooses to look at porn and blame his child for it when you find it, and chooses to show you no affection whatsoever... and yet expects you to stay in this marriage.

He is responsible for all of this. And he is doing nothing to regain your trust.

Like other posters, I believe that counselling for you on your own where you work with a therapist on your self-esteem will help you find your way.

TheRealMBJ Sat 17-Sep-11 07:15:09

Oh darling. This is not your fault or about your appearance or personality or age. It is all about him being a lying, disrespectful, selfish twunt.

You deserve to be better and being rid of him is better. Even if you don't want to be alone, you will be happier without him in your life.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 17-Sep-11 07:32:10

Just to clarify; no stripper, prostitute, or cheap whore, would give your husband a blow job unless he paid them - in advance.

You deserve so much more, honey. Have that talk with him and come back here if you still feel alone.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 17-Sep-11 07:38:33

Yes, it is a sham and you sound so sad and ground down.

It is time to kick your dh out and make a new life for yourself which eventually will include a man who makes you feel amazing, puts you first, cuddles you when you want and is there for you all the time.

stellarpunk Sat 17-Sep-11 07:43:53

Oh I really feel for you.

Sadly, this does sound as if your DP needs help for a sexual addiction. Whether he is capable of taking that step is another matter.

Unfortunately when the addiction has reached the stage if 'acting out' I.e physically meeting women/prostitutes then it is at a serious stage.

Also finding porn on the PC and in the DVD player is also very serious. Your children are being exposed to his addiction and that can be very damaging for them.

There are organisations that can help and offer support for you, especially no porn.com

Getting real life help isn't so straightforward I'm afraid. You can get sex addiction counselling privately but it's more difficult finding it on the NHS.

But what is really important is that you get help. I really do recommend the website noporn.com, it will give you a very good idea of the scope of the problem and their forum will give you support.

You can get through this if you are both able to work together.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 17-Sep-11 07:49:45

This marriage is a sham and you've become completely ground down by his behaviours. He is patently not a good dad either to his children if he is acting like this. He cares not a jot for them or you. He would have let his own son take the rap for leaving porn on the computer; not at all the actions of a decent and caring man.

He paid for sex and did so in advance. Yes he was unfaithful and continues to also treat you like rubbish.

You called him a "great dad" and "good provider". He is patently neither besides which these or similar get trotted out when the woman can think of nothing at all positive for themselves to say about their man.

Counselling for your own self would be of great benefit to you. Relate or BACP have a list of counsellors and they won't charge the earth.

mulberrybabe Sat 17-Sep-11 07:54:48

Thank you everyone you have been so kind and its almost like therapy for me. To clarify, his ex boss arranges what i believe are lap dancing/strippers to perform (in the afternoon). He told me that the boss saw to it that he won a golden ticket for a private dance. He didnt want to go but went into the back room and she blew him for a minute or two and then wanked him off. As i write this, from what you have all been telling me, sounds like strippers dont do this but only prostitutes, im mortified. I can see what it sounds like to someone else.
Yes my self esteem is so low its ridiculous. When i confronted him on weird numbers on his phone he looked genuinely confused so maybe they were genuine business numbers.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 17-Sep-11 07:59:34

Forget about what you can't prove - the numbers - and concentrate on the fact that your husband has cheated on you.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 17-Sep-11 08:06:31

Small wonder your self esteem is through the floor. He is the root cause of your low self worth. He made a conscious choice to go into this room with this woman; he was not coerced. There was unlikely to be a golden ticket, he acted of his own free will here and he has and is expecting you to tolerate this side of him without complaint.

Those numbers you found were more likely than not also porn related; he's been phoning up an awful lot of these services.

What does your son think of his Dad, how do they get on?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

What are you going to do?. Doing nothing here is not an option.

TheRealMBJ Sat 17-Sep-11 08:09:29

This is classic excuses from a cheater. They ALWAYS minimise the act (blow job/wank NOT sex), always remove the responsibility (stag do/boss made me/I was so drunk I don't remember) and deny knowledge of strange activity (phone numbers/websites etc)

Don't be fooled. He paid a women (I'd bet more than one on more than one occasion) to provide sexual services (my money's on penetrative sex as well as oral). He has no respect for you or your family and is continuing to accept no responsibility for his behaviour. This is not a good provider or father.

Sorry.

exoticfruits Sat 17-Sep-11 08:17:55

I don't think that all men look at porn-it is not a fact.

However-whether he does or doesn't isn't really the issue.
You are in a marrriage where he doesn't value you, doesn't show affection and doesn't even talk to you.
If you want to save it and change it you need to go to couple's counselling and if not you need to leave.

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