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What would you do?

(28 Posts)
JosStarship Fri 16-Sep-11 13:05:03

This is my first post although I have been lurking here for weeks, finding/reading posts that relate to whats going on in my marriage at the moment. I could reallly do with some help, I'm struggling abit today and I'm not sure whether I am making something out of nothing......I'll try to keep it short but I might not be able to.....(sorry)!!

For the past 3-4 months DH has been really distant at home, sulky with me and snappy with DC 2 & 5yrs (no patience with them etc). He was hiding his phone or obsessively taking it everywhere with him (even to the Loo)- this got me suspicious so I grabbed a quick peak when I could - found it locked with this maze thingie..so I couldn't get in. He'd get texts and I'd be.. "who's that from?" and he'd literally clutch the phone to his chest so I couldn't see and back heel out of the room "oh its just 'random blokes name' from work". On top of this he'd go out to walk the dog and be out some nights 2 hours (this wasn't every night -but enough for me to start to notice) and when he worked at the pub instead of coming straight home (which he used to) he started staying for an "afterwork drink" rolling in at 2am ish..

5 weeks ago,...managed to get into his FB account where I found a message from some woman asking if "he'd kissed X?" he replied "am not the type to kiss and tell ;-)" it goes on some more and he ends it with "well, you know..maybe in a different time... different place" . I rang him to ask him about this and his answer was to move out for a few days while "I sorted myself out and calmed down" (we were house sitting for my parents so he was able to go home). He stayed away for 3 days, then he assured me nothing had happened or was going to happen, she was an old school friend and the conversation related to those days. He also gave me the code to his phone (he'd locked it because someone went in a work and took a female colleagues number). So back he came all lovey dovey and isn't everything super and so it goes till last sunday.

Last Sunday.. Came downstairs, his phone went off, I was stood nearest to it, so went to hand it to him..he grapped it off me..I was like "what don't you want me to see".."nothing" he said.."let me see it then!"!...and we were literally fighting over his phone..he won but I caught a bit of the text which wasn't anything really " but true.....xxx" sender : Random blokes name???

After some serious sneakiness on my part I get his phone overnight...find a hide me app..reset password and get in to find photo of OW (just a normal smiley photo). Lose the plot really when I should of stayed calm but I was furious that he downloaded an app whose purpose is to hide call history, photos, notes, callendar events etc throw the phone at him (without checking for other evidence -call me stupid I know!!!). He keeps it and refuses to give it back. Next day I get into his ebilling(found his P/W)for his phone and find 1,300 text in july to 1 number..1,975 text to the same number in August. (not a 1 of these texts have I seen on his phone he must of deleted them as soon as he got them/sent them). Demand explanation or he can pack his bags and go argument starts, says shes married and just a good friend. Heartbroken to find hes text some OW 100 times on our wedding anniversary and those days when we were apart supposedly calming down/sorting myself out/sorting out our marriage. (just to be clear - This is not the same woman on FB) this is someone who lives in our village..goes in the pub where DH works, I assumed with her husband but have since found out that he usually leaves earlier. I have texted her and she just keeps appologising "she never meant to hurt anyone" and she "was just an ear" (2,000 texts??? is this normal ? I don't text anywhere near that amount?) she did ask if I wanted to talk..but I don't feel strong enough - is that pathetic of me??? should I be doing that? strangely enough she only replied when I threatend that the next number I tried would be her husbands...

What would you do? I'm utterly broken...I don't think he's had an affair..its the lying and deciet and making it out to be all my fault. I can't get over the type of man he's turned into. I used to be his world you know, and now I feel I'm not... sad Am I over reacting? he's making me feel as if I am. DH has promised to end all contact as its upsetting me...But I know its only stopped because I found out....

So sorry there's no way that can be classed as short smile thanks for reading..

TeeBee Fri 16-Sep-11 13:10:08

YOU DON'T THINK HE'S HAD AN AFFAIR???? REALLY? Don't you?
Why would he not just be unfront about it then? Why grab phones off you and go to such a charade to hide things?

sicksick Fri 16-Sep-11 13:11:18

If she is just a friend then there should not be a problem.

Dodgy behaviour though for 2 people who are just friends.

Caravaggio Fri 16-Sep-11 13:13:47

Sorry sweetie, but if over a thousand texts do not scream AFFAIR, nothing does.

You need to stop panicking (easier said than done) and cool down and start deciding what you want and what to do.

Do you have someone in real life you could talk to?

JosStarship Fri 16-Sep-11 13:14:23

TeeBee, I really don't know what I think.....god my hearts pounding ;(

She lives in the big 'posh' house in the village - we live in an ex-council house..she had her hair done every week I get my done by my grans hairdresser for a £5.00 ;) what the hell would she see in him??? she wouldn't threaten her lifestyle would she??

lubeybooby Fri 16-Sep-11 13:17:02

The only time any man has text me that much is when in the throes of a love type relationship. I'm sorry OP, he has had/is having an affair.

buzzskillington Fri 16-Sep-11 13:17:18

I think it's gone far further than you want to believe. He's gone to such lengths to hide things and the sheer volume of texts indicates otherwise.

The OW is saying it's been 'just an ear' because she's married too and presumably has as much to lose as your dh.

You're not overreacting. He is lying, has lied relentlessly and will probably continue to lie. What's worse than infidelity is the deceit that makes the innocent party think they're going crazy. I'm sorry.

buzzskillington Fri 16-Sep-11 13:19:35

She'll lie like hell to protect her lifestyle, but people do take massive risks for sex.

VelvetSnow Fri 16-Sep-11 13:22:45

sorry OP, the evidence you have gathered speaks for itself really.

fanjolina Fri 16-Sep-11 13:25:48

Have his bags packed for him today and tell him to move out. Then start to deal with it on your terms. No being blamed for this by him or called paranoid, etc.

You are in control. Decide what you want to do with your life and if you want him to be a part of it, given his deceitful behaviour.

You don't need proof of a physical affair to decide you don't want him back.

Good luck and use us for support as needed.

JosStarship Fri 16-Sep-11 13:29:28

Oh I was dreading this...I knew it was going to go like this..but I was hoping someone would say that I was being stupid. Its taken me all morning to post because I new you'd all hit me with reality sad

I don't want to be dealing with this..do you know what i mean..I have 2 small children and I had up until 6 months ago a great marriage...

I'm so so sad...

aftereight Fri 16-Sep-11 13:32:10

I know you don't want to believe that he has done anything with her beyond texting, but where has ge been during the recent missing hours - dog walking for 2 hrs, end of pub shift until 2am?
You say that she lives in the big house in the village, so I assume he's not got many options locally for explaining away his absences (e.g. went on to a bar or club), so he must've been somewhere.. Does OW have a dog too? does her husband have a regular night/s out which coincide with your DH's missing hours?
I really feel for you, you are definately not overreacting.

aftereight Fri 16-Sep-11 13:33:49

Do you have somebody you can confide in in real life?

sicksick Fri 16-Sep-11 13:35:15

Do you think that they are at it ?

Bloody hell 1300 texts in 1 month, thats 43 texts a day shock

Where does he get the time ?

buzzskillington Fri 16-Sep-11 13:35:19

I understand what you mean. I'm so sorry.

It is possible to come through something like this, but you have to have the truth and then, maybe, you can rebuild.

aftereight Fri 16-Sep-11 13:35:33

Also, please don't feel that OW is in any way better than you. She may have more money but she also has the morals of a sewer rat angry

JosStarship Fri 16-Sep-11 13:39:58

Well last year she took puppy care books out from her local library blush dont ask how I got that snippet of info and as for the pub he says that is where he is having an "after work drink, am allowed that aren't I!!"

No he hasn't really got any options locally, we live in a fairly small village so curtains twitch at the slightest hint of a scandal...he doesn't go away for work or anything..i really can't see where he would be having sex with OW unless its behind the bus shelter....hmm

buzzskillington Fri 16-Sep-11 13:46:47

Closing time: she says she's going home but goes to the loo, everyone else leaves. He locks up, she comes out of the loo.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 16-Sep-11 13:47:32

She is as guilty as hell. You don't apologise for hurting anyone if you were an innocent listener. hmm.

If nothing physical has happened he has definitely had an emotional affair so you need to decide where you go from here.

JosStarship Fri 16-Sep-11 13:48:27

Sicksick - 1,300 in july, 2,000 in August, dreading septembers bill really..

Am not sure if they'd have time to get physical smile

putting silly smileys and really i am crying, got to go pull myself together going to nursery now..

thanks for your replies

JosStarship Fri 16-Sep-11 13:50:31

Well theres the smack to the gut Buzz...thanks for saying what i can't..

Pathetic aren't I??

buzzskillington Fri 16-Sep-11 13:52:47

Sorry sad. And no you're not.

TheOriginalFAB Fri 16-Sep-11 13:53:14

You are not pathetic. You have had a massive shock and your life has changed from what you thought it was.

Bluebelle38 Fri 16-Sep-11 13:53:21

Of course you aren't pathetic. You are only coming to terms with what HE has done. You will get through this xx

buzzskillington Fri 16-Sep-11 15:29:45

If you want to know pathetic, here's my experience of being cheated on, way back when: I found a sexually graphic letter from the OW (a 'friend' of ours). When confronted, the ex said they were just having a laugh, nothing in it and talked a lot - I desperately wanted to believe him, had a tiny baby, wasn't working, didn't want to admit I'd be wrong about him and family had been right, couldn't face the alternative of him having been willing to smash our relationship and potentially lose us for the sake of a shag. It went on for another six months after that before I finally faced up to what he'd done (and continued to do, despite this close call).

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