Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

According to him, this is why our marriage failed.

(34 Posts)
redderthanred Fri 16-Sep-11 09:36:54

Ex ( divorcing) husband calls me up and starts shouting becuase i 'have not yet returned the divorce paperwork and should just sign it and send it back' Accoring to him i do not need a solicitor, the fact he has left all the child maintence payments section blank and issues of joint debt/pension/any kind of financial settlement are left blank because it is ' all sorted' news to me. i tell him i will consult my solicotor and there is no need for us to argue.
he then resorts to other tactics to try to get me to sign it as is.
One of which being telling me that we were just rubbish at marriage.

I tell him, that i wasnt rubbish at marriage at all. He declares that i was, because i never forgave him for any of his affairs and was mean to him about it and didnt trust him.
He said it wasnt his fault becuse he was an idiot and too young to be married ( true, but i didnt make him propse or go through with it).
Apparetnly because i never forgave him, even though he never ever confessed or appoligsed he thought he might as well keep having affairs, but it wasnt that bad as it was only 1 or 2 a year.

Today i am sad, and angry and fucked off and bitter.
Im usually ok, but god, i hate that man. I hate him for what he did, and what he put me through, for the time i wont get back and for the longer term effects it has had on me.

( just venting, i have noone in real life i would say any of this to)

hairylights Fri 16-Sep-11 09:41:18

He is a knob. Stand your ground. Don't let the b**** get you down.

AttillaTheMum Fri 16-Sep-11 09:43:46

You are so much better off without him, What a knobber. Just ignore him and see your solicitor

JeremyVile Fri 16-Sep-11 09:47:41

You will soon be free of this manipulative, self-centred loser.
You are fantastic for getting rid of him, there would be some poor sods still stuck with such a wanker.

DecapitatedLegoman Fri 16-Sep-11 09:50:00

Knobber covers it nicely. What a blessing it will be to have a cock like that out of your life. His sense of entitlement is quite something. Stay cool, it will piss him off no end smile

Shows you were right to get rid of him and right not to sign the papers. He sounds like a charmless self centred twunt.

redderthanred Fri 16-Sep-11 09:54:07

Im going to. There is no way im signing the divorce paperwork without doing that.

he just windes me up.
I never saw the paperwork he submitted to the court before hand, despite my solicitor asking to. hes done it all himself with no legal advice.

Apparently im being money grabbing and should just get a 'proper job' and am costing him more money because there will be delays.

And you know what, he did say he had affairs, but he still refused to appolgise for them, he has never, ever said sorry to be, but he said he has admitted to other people he did it, so thats ok.

I hate him. I am very very upset today and trying not to cry at work.

Ciske Fri 16-Sep-11 09:55:26

Can't advice you on the divorce issue as no experience, but when someone says 'you don't need a solicitor just trust me' it's time to start running to one ASAP.

Smellslikecatpee Fri 16-Sep-11 11:24:27

Can't help, sorry, but can I just say what a dickhead!!!

Bluebelle38 Fri 16-Sep-11 11:27:22

Another one for knobend!!!!! You weren't sympathetic enough over his affairs. Well, I have heard it all now.

Get your solicitor to go through it and he can bl**dy wait.

Thank God you are divorcing him. You will look back with such relief smile

holyShmoley Fri 16-Sep-11 11:39:04

LOL at 'it was only one or two a year'. Honestly, if that line was used in a sitcom it would be up for gag of the year.
He is a fool, and you are so well rid.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 16-Sep-11 11:50:39

He'll say anything it takes to mess with your head so you'll sign quickly and not ask questions. Fortunately you're wise to that one. Even more fortunately, it doesn't matter what he says any more as you are now divorcing him; the only thing that matters is whether the court believes him (and they've seen it all before, lots of times). He's a lying arse, and you're getting out. Result!

sicksick Fri 16-Sep-11 12:03:12

I think you should just read back what you just wrote as if it was someone else who had posted it.

It will give you a knew perspective.

oldwomaninashoe Fri 16-Sep-11 12:04:36

Try not to look at it as time wasted, but experience gained, you will think long and hard in the future before you get involved with anyone else.

I promise you that it will all get better for you, but in the meantime, use your knowledge and experience of him, in your divorce dealings ie. DON'T TRUST HIM!!!!

redderthanred Fri 16-Sep-11 12:14:23

yep - am fully aware he will say anything and i did refuse to listen to him and just kept repeating ' im going to get my solicitor to look at it'
so he just kept going on and on and on.
bringing loads of stuff up and trying to get me to react.

Its hard not to react, and then you just start thinking about everything that happened and what an idiot i was.. and how just fucking awful he was.

he said ' i didnt cheat when we lived in the flat in germany ( we were there for 1 year). I said, no, but you did within days of us moving from that flat ( oh, yes, i did, says he) and then there was the whole , i got raced into hospital, you left me to it, i was in a hospital, in germany, on my own for a week, he visited once.. and then when i came back, i found out he had been talking to women online and had told them he was divorced and i had left him with nothing and he was going out on this piss the day he collected me from hospital thing.
And the way i found out.... by turning on the pc and it automatically logged on as him and some woman popped up and started talking to him.

This was apparently my fault, because he was bored and i was also over reacting because it wasnt real.

And then the melt down he had when he found out i was pregnant, with our, PLANNED for child. A melt down which lasted 4 months and left me not knowing what was going to happen with our marriage.. in which he confessed all affairs, having previously told me i was insane and needed mental help becuase i was imagining it all. This melt down was wrong, according to him, and he can see that but it was worth it. Because he has a wonderful DD.


i know i did the right thing ( eventually ) kicking him out. I know im much happier and DD is fine, but my god. I hate that man and his stuipidity.

redderthanred Fri 16-Sep-11 12:17:05

i dont know, a part of me just wants to sign the damn thing and be done with it, i dont want anything from him, he will just wave it in my face.

But then i know, i need to have this done properly.
There were no financial assets, i was left homeless twice, jobless twice, i moved all over the place to be with him ( forces) i gave up my career and supported him through two wars.
Im damn well entitled to have something to show for that time. Even if it is just 8 years pension or something.

StickyGhost Fri 16-Sep-11 12:27:17

Don't sign anything! U could use the tactic of drawing out the divorce as long as possible; agree to something then go back on it, or make some outrageous demands and sit back and let him get really frustrated and hopefully the this will result in large solicitor's fees for him (keeping ur own to a minimum of course). And really, do not take anymore calls from this pig, direct him to communicate only with ur solicitor or something where u won't be harrassed.

sicksick Fri 16-Sep-11 12:27:17

Are you Cherie Blair ?

Undertone Fri 16-Sep-11 12:30:05

Do NOT sign it.

LtEveDallas Fri 16-Sep-11 12:43:29


He sounds a complete nob and I'm glad you are rid of him. I'm not good with the 'relationshipy' thing, but I can tell you:

If you were married for 8 years you would be entitled to half of 8/22nds of his pension, and the same of his gratuity presuming he stays in for at least 22 years.

So for eg if his gratuity is £44K you would be entitled to:

44K divided by 22 years = 2K
2K multiplied by 8 years = 16K
16K divided by 2 people in the marriage = 8K

You would also be entitled to do the same with his monthly immediate pension, and he will have to give you that amount each month.

(lots of people play the one against the other and add to the lump sum payment relinquishing the monthly payment)

CSA does not come into this amount - the calculations above are for you. CSA is for your child and he will still have to pay that.

What I have said above is very basic. Make sure your solicitor gets in touch with the Army Personnel Centre in Glasgow (that is if he is Army, if he is Navy or RAF then I'm not sure where you would go)


redderthanred Fri 16-Sep-11 12:50:29

that does help.
yes he is army
and i didnt realise i would also get gratutiy.

he has told me his pension ( hes been in since 20 yrs old and is doing quite well, is now 33) wont be worth much so its not worth me doiing.

OR - that i shouldnt claim it as he paid our joint debt by himself when we were married and for a period after we seperated. When i said that that was how our family finances were arranged and i paid for all his food and petrol and things he told me it wasnt the same hmm

techincally we have been married since 2001. We have been seperated for almost 3 years now though. So, how does that work?

sarahtigh Fri 16-Sep-11 12:55:28

that is rubbish about p[ension though to be honest it may be worth (via solicitor ) negociating that he keeps pension and you get more of something else

Anniegetyourgun Fri 16-Sep-11 12:58:35

redder... he's lying, remember? If it were so little he wouldn't have to go to great lengths to stop you finding out about it, he'd just disclose like an honest man. Don't let the fucker get away with it. You do need a solicitor and you do have entitlements and you are jolly well going to go for everything you should have, not more, but not less either. Not because you hate him, want revenge for his affairs, had an unnecessarily shit life with him or any of that. Just because you and your child need it and it is, in fact, legally yours.

babyhammock Fri 16-Sep-11 13:12:04

You are so well shot of that moron!
The best thing you can do is go on to have a happy fulfilled amazing life (the entitled tit won't have anything resembling that) with a good settlement and a stake in a nice pension wink.
If I were you, I'd get some really good advice and then I would buy a good DIY divorce book and handle the rest and don't budge an inch on anything you don't think sounds fair or you're entitled too.
Best of luck xx

redderthanred Fri 16-Sep-11 13:17:27

sarahtigh- there isnt more of anything else. There is nothing else other than the pension. There were no joint assets, the house was owned by the army.
We had two cars, so we had one each.
I had 90% of the house contents ( as he went to living in a one man room) and he took the pc and laptop and his own personal possessions.
That was it.

I dont want anything other than what im entitled to, that is true. no more, no less.

I do have a solicitor ( and am on legal aid).

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now