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Some helpful relationship advise REALLY needed

(22 Posts)
OaktreeandMe Fri 16-Sep-11 03:51:23

Hi There Everyone.

I am currently going into the 3rd year of my relationship with my partner. We have an 8 month old bub. However, we are having all sorts of issues and I am having a tough time deciding what i should do about this.

My partner only has a 'casual' job, working part time hours (at the most). When I first got pregnant we decided that he would start working full-time once bub was born (after he has 2 weeks off to spend some time with us) and i would stay home to look after the baby (at least until 2012). However, it has been 8 months now and he has made no effort to do get another job (and thus, bills are piling up big time!). The only 2 jobs he "applied" for, my friend and I did for him. We even had to do his CV and cover letter as he didn't go to any effort to do these. When I being this up he tells me he really wants to get a job and he'll try (but this never eventuates).

Meanwhile, I am at uni trying to finish my degree so that I can work full-time next year so at least one of us will be able to support our family. I am absolutely stressed and exhausted ( and our bub isn't sleeping very well at all). I feel like i'm putting all the effort into our relationship (and it takes two to tango!), I go to uni, cook, clean, look after bubby and now i'm going to have to start working on the weekends so that we can get some extra money.

I also feel lately that, since he's putting no effort into being a part of this family, that perhaps he no longer wants to be a part of it. For the last week, I have been very upset at him and he has continued to ignore me instead of asking me what is wrong. The only thing he will say is "oh, you're still angry at me are you?" and walk off. We have been sleeping in separate rooms of the house for a week now.

He also lies to me on a daily basis (I wont get into what about) and so my trust in him is severely decreasing.

He has been acting VERY selfish and very mean and I just can't take it any more. I could sort of deal with the fact that he wasn't getting a job and not taking responsibility for our bub and our family but now that he's being horrible and just acting like he doesn't care about me or 'us' it's all becoming too much and making me miserable.

I want to get married and maybe one say expand on our family, and we used to talk about this all the time (we made a very nice "life plan" to stick to when i got pregnant and I somehow thought it would all work out very well). But I don't feel like, since he makes no effort in any other aspects of his life, that he would ever "get around" to even asking me to be his wife.

And all this is so unfair on our child. I don't want this to affect our bub.

So basically, I have thought of two options since this has been an ongoing issue now and I don't see it changing unless something is done.

1. I leave to stay at my parents (hopefully temporarily) giving him the time to decide what it is he really wants, if he wants to show me he loves me and support our family. This would include actively seeking a job and basically sorting his shit out (to be frank). Or I suppose perhaps he might decide this isn't what he wants. In which case, we can sort out an arrangement so that we both see bub evenly etc.

2. Relationship counseling. Will this help? If he even agrees to it. We need to sort this out in a way that isn't going to take a long period of time. I have been as patient as I can but we literally cannot afford to wait any longer. And I can feel myself starting to resent him, and once you stop loving someone, there is no going back from that. And I would like to make it work.

Any advise or thoughts would be much appreciated.

nothingnatural Fri 16-Sep-11 04:36:17

He sounds incredibly juvenile Oaktreeandme. How old is he? I'd say he needs a good dose of grow the fuck up tbh. He now has a family to support and being lazy really isn't going to cut it any more.

Does he know exactly why you're so upset or are you just acting all upset and not really being clear ie "YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND GET A JOB OR I'M LEAVING YOU" sort of clear.

I think your relationship sounds infuriating and would drive me up the wall. So I would A. Sit him down and make it entirely clear in words of one sylable what I expect of the father of my child and give him a time limit to shape up. And then if no progress B. Move out. Or C. Kick him out.

He sounds like a pita and you sound like you're taking everything on. Which really isn't fair at all.

Good luck.

nothingnatural Fri 16-Sep-11 04:37:23

Also are you Australian? The use of the word bub is really irritating and its only since i've lived in Aus that I've heard it with any regularity. Sorry not helpful I know.

nothingnatural Fri 16-Sep-11 11:26:23

You alright OP or did I scare you off?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Fri 16-Sep-11 12:08:56

Why is your option 1 about him getting time to decide what he wants? He's already got what he wants: a partner who's keeping a relationship going single-handedly, feeds and clothes him, and writes his CV and cover letters for him. He's golden. Why on earth would he want to change anything in this situation?

The question you should be asking yourself, you overworked and self-sacrficing woman, is: What do you want?

A man who's invested in his family? You haven't got that with him.

buzzskillington Fri 16-Sep-11 12:52:56

Ah, what you have there is a cocklodger. You can still get married and have the life you want, but I doubt you can with him. You don't need relationship counselling, you need him to grow the fuck up.

Tell him to go and that if he wants to be with you and your child, he has to prove he can be a partner, instead of a parasite.

JillySnooper Fri 16-Sep-11 12:57:33

Why in god's name did you have a kid with a work shy twat in the first place?

Or did you think you could change him?

Sorry I know it's harsh but you have brought a child into this.

This is precisely the sort of situation so many women get into without seemingly any sperm quality filtering whatsoever.

If he's a loser before you get pregnant, he'll be a loser after.

Notinmykitchen Fri 16-Sep-11 13:03:35

From what you have said so far I am really struggling to see why you would stay with him. I'd go for option A, and to be honest I would not expect that he will change any time soon. It sounds like your life would be an awful lot easier without him.

jekyllnothyde Fri 16-Sep-11 13:11:43

He sounds a familiar type. And unless you take action, he isn't going to. Go and stay with your parents. Take a while to think about what you want out of this relationship and family life, get stuck into your degree.
Then and not until then, tell him what you want in the future, how you think he could contribute and give him a time limit to do something about it or that's it. You have to set boundaries about what are your issues, family issues and his issues. You can't get him a job or get him to take responsibility. He has to and if he begins you chose how much you want to support him and if that support is helping you and your chidl

OaktreeandMe Sat 17-Sep-11 01:41:13

nothing natural, no you didn't scare me off. I didn't get round to checking the thread until now. But thank you for your feedback, it made me laugh a bit smile I am Australian. Sorry, won't use that word again..I just didn't want to mention the sex of my baby because i know people that use his site. is DC better?

JillySnooper, when I first got pregnant our relationship was perfect, and if you have children you probably know how much having one changes a relationship. He had heaps of hours work at that stage and we had more then enough money, but the plan was for him to change jobs because it was only a "casual" job (and he wanted to change areas into what he has studied) and he still hasn't.
He was very nice to me and we had heaps in common and he has a huge family and was great with his nieces and nephews so i suppose i assumed a bit that he would be good with our child. And as far as spending time with our child, playing with him and "loving" him, i couldn't ask for anything more but it is a step further to take responsibility for your child and he doesn't do this i know.
I just don't think it's fair for you to assume i went into this "knowing he was a loser" because that wasn't the case. We had a great relationship and a great plan but he hasn't stuck to it and that is the issue.

Anyway, we have had a big talk and I have given him 2 weeks to "get his shit together". And i mean, i want a huge effort from him to show me he wants this family and me and to be supportive. If at the end of that two weeks he has done nothing (which unfortunately, i have a bad feeling may be the case) I will leave. Because it's not fair to me or to our child (especially if i'm miserable) and then maybe he'll realise I was serious. And perhaps one day he'll grow up..I DO hope we can eventually work things out. This isn't the sort of person I ever thought he would be sad

FabbyChic Sat 17-Sep-11 01:46:59

I'd go with option 1. Seriously if he wants things to work he will do something about it, if he doesn't he wont. I don't think the 2nd option is viable it has gone past that.

OaktreeandMe Sat 17-Sep-11 01:52:56

Thanks for all your advise btw. it was all helpful

thecaptaincrocfamily Sat 17-Sep-11 01:56:55

Oaktree before deciding anything I would encourage you to get him to the doctors to be assessed for mental health problems - paternal postnatal depression is actually real and needs treatment.
I agree set targets for achieving i.e. sending CV's out etc.
Speak to RELATE if you can together or separat to enable open communication.
He has closed off from you both and you need to know why.
What is his casual job?

OaktreeandMe Sat 17-Sep-11 02:13:21

I never even thought of that. But I work in the medical feild, and I don't think he is showing any clinical signs of depression. But you're totally right, that could definitely be contributing to whatever issue he seems to be having. He does sleep a lot and doesn't seem very positive.. but he doesn't seem 'upset' but I suppose we all show this in different ways. Thank you.

What is RELATE? He is a courier. And he has a degree so I don't understand why he doesn't want a career down that path (because he really enjoys that). Surely it can't just be "laziness".

PoppaRob Sat 17-Sep-11 06:05:33

Hi OaktreeandMe. I think his plan might be to stumble on until you finish your get a degree and get a job so he can spend his days at home being daddy daycare. It's up to you to negotiate with him to see if that's what you both want and agree on.

And nothingnatural, all countries have their own vernacular. As you're learned we Aussies refer to babies as bubs, then as they get older nippers, rugrats or grommies. I can't see us changing anytime soon. wink

nothingnatural Sat 17-Sep-11 07:12:34

Oaktree, Relate is a British Couples Counselling service, I'm not sure if there is the equivalent in Aus, I've only noticed private counselling services.

Glad you had a talk, was he receptive? Does he understand how crucial it is for him to shape up. FWIW you describe him pre-baby as a good bloke, some men do find it hard to adjust to the reality of family life - is he quite young? Pre 30's? I've found that most men stay pretty juvenile until they hit their 30's <gross generalisation I know> then seem to "wake up" to life and get their shit together a bit better.

PoppaRob, I do appreciate the Aussie vernacular and like most of it - I can even cope with ankle biters and tin-lids, somehow though "bub" makes the bile rise, something about it's utter tweeness I think. But then that's rather my issue I know grin

Is the lack of motivation to get a career a confidence issue Oaktree?

AnyFucker Sat 17-Sep-11 13:09:58

I think I know what he lies about, on a daily basis

Is he a stoner ?

he is showing all the hallmarks of it

Unless he ditches that lifestyle, he will never be a useful partner, nor a good father

clam Sat 17-Sep-11 19:24:53

Just seen this thread. Agree with AF. I take it that the lies (that you don't want to go into) are drug-related? Might explain a lot.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 17-Sep-11 20:19:06

Are you really ready to leave at the end of the 2 weeks when he has done nothing? I would have gone immediately tbh as it really shouldn't take you leaving to make him realise what a dick he is being and what he could lose. He sounds like a taker rather than a giver or a doer and probably sees no reason to change when he sees you doing everything. What is he like with the baby?

thecaptaincrocfamily Sun 18-Sep-11 01:06:26

Oak, unless he is using drugs, the sleeping lots, not being positive and lack of motivation are all symptoms of depression. Men rarely cry but tend to close off from people closest to them when they feel bad sad I think you should talk to him about it.
If he was an idiot before lo came along I would be in AF's camp, but if he was a 'good bloke' then something is going on imo.

SansaLannister Sun 18-Sep-11 01:13:39

Oh, good god! Here we go again, he's depressed and it's your job to sort it out.

As a person who is depressed: a) he may not be and the lying thing, sounds more like he's a stoner rather than depressed b) it is not your fault or your responsibility to sort out his mental health. It's his, he's an adult with a child.

So I'm with buzzskillington here, what you have is a cocklodger. And I'm with your option 1 with the added proviso that you take time out to find out what you want, because you and your child deserve something and someone more than an adult who is unwilling to sort out his own shit.

SansaLannister Sun 18-Sep-11 01:14:51

What's the lying about? Because tbh, that would be the dealbreaker for me. I don't give a toss what his problem is, if he doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me, then I don't trust him and there's no relationship.

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