I have lurked here for ages but never had the nerve to post. I am not a troll. Just desperate and unhappy with no-one to talk to who might possibly understand.
I was very badly abused as a child and find relationships pretty much impossible. I had lots of therapy, and had accepted I would spend my life alone and was resigned but happy. I had not had a date in over 10 years when I met someone. He opened doors that should have remained shut; gave hope when there was none to be had. We became very close very quickly, but the physical side did not really progress. I did not have the confidence to initiate things and he kept leading me on then pulling back. Sitting very close, touching and strokeing my hair, hugs and always just when I thought he would kiss me pulling back. He finally admitted he had been looking for something very casual but once he got to know me didn't want to hurt me.
That was fair enough and at that stage I should have walked away but he was always giving me that little bit of hope that something might happen between us in the future when he was ready for a relationship (yes, I know that is crap and he just didn't fancy me but hope is hard to kill). We met up a lot, spoke daily often for hours. It was like a relationship but with no sex.
He has now met and is dating someone. Deep down I knew it would happen one day. He wants to continue as we were, but I can't. I had hoped for a less close friendship, maybe just speaking on the phone once or twice a week or so to catch up but he thinks I am being totally unreasonable and wants everything to go on as it was. He can't understand that I believed those little bones of hope he threw that maybe something could happen between us. Now that hope is gone, I have to distance myself. The last month he has been picking fights with me and I have deceided I cannot remain friends at all and have walked away.
I know this is stupid but I feel my heart and soul has been ripped out. I missed work and cried for 5 hours today. The sort of soul wrenching tears where you keep vomiting. I feel I will never have a relationship or be loved. If I am honest I do not really know what human love is. I never had it as a child and am a cliche in that I have only really dated a few (emotionally) abusive men. Men frighten me and it is very rare I find a man physically attractive in real life (I am not gay just sacred). There are so many lovely women out there, being realistic what man would want to put up with a women with as many issues as I have. I just feel subhuman because I am incapable of having a loving relationship. I know in reality this was not a chance for one, but I let myself believe my own lies, and now it has gone I don't know how to go back to accepting my lonliness.
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How to feel human again
8 replies
SkinnedAlive · 15/09/2011 21:58
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