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How to feel human again

(9 Posts)
SkinnedAlive Thu 15-Sep-11 21:58:55

I have lurked here for ages but never had the nerve to post. I am not a troll. Just desperate and unhappy with no-one to talk to who might possibly understand.

I was very badly abused as a child and find relationships pretty much impossible. I had lots of therapy, and had accepted I would spend my life alone and was resigned but happy. I had not had a date in over 10 years when I met someone. He opened doors that should have remained shut; gave hope when there was none to be had. We became very close very quickly, but the physical side did not really progress. I did not have the confidence to initiate things and he kept leading me on then pulling back. Sitting very close, touching and strokeing my hair, hugs and always just when I thought he would kiss me pulling back. He finally admitted he had been looking for something very casual but once he got to know me didn't want to hurt me.

That was fair enough and at that stage I should have walked away but he was always giving me that little bit of hope that something might happen between us in the future when he was ready for a relationship (yes, I know that is crap and he just didn't fancy me but hope is hard to kill). We met up a lot, spoke daily often for hours. It was like a relationship but with no sex.

He has now met and is dating someone. Deep down I knew it would happen one day. He wants to continue as we were, but I can't. I had hoped for a less close friendship, maybe just speaking on the phone once or twice a week or so to catch up but he thinks I am being totally unreasonable and wants everything to go on as it was. He can't understand that I believed those little bones of hope he threw that maybe something could happen between us. Now that hope is gone, I have to distance myself. The last month he has been picking fights with me and I have deceided I cannot remain friends at all and have walked away.

I know this is stupid but I feel my heart and soul has been ripped out. I missed work and cried for 5 hours today. The sort of soul wrenching tears where you keep vomiting. I feel I will never have a relationship or be loved. If I am honest I do not really know what human love is. I never had it as a child and am a cliche in that I have only really dated a few (emotionally) abusive men. Men frighten me and it is very rare I find a man physically attractive in real life (I am not gay just sacred). There are so many lovely women out there, being realistic what man would want to put up with a women with as many issues as I have. I just feel subhuman because I am incapable of having a loving relationship. I know in reality this was not a chance for one, but I let myself believe my own lies, and now it has gone I don't know how to go back to accepting my lonliness.

issey6cats Thu 15-Sep-11 22:08:20

i dont know the right words to say but heres a big hug for you, you have survived more trauma than most women could cope with and sadly you met someone who wasnt right for you, this guy realised you are vunerable emotionaly and played on it, concentrate on you do things to build your self esteem, new haircut, new clothes join a gym and excercise the anger and sadness out and the more confidence you have in yourself the more chance of weeding out the idiots in life

rightchoice Thu 15-Sep-11 22:20:18

Stay strong, you have come such a long way from those dark days. You got through that you will get through this. Muster up all your strength to inch forward to your next chapter. MASSIVE HUGS. MNetters will help - stay on line.

SkinnedAlive Thu 15-Sep-11 22:43:41

Thank you both. I know tomorrow is a new day. It may be worse than today but I am hoping it will be better. If I can get through work tomorrow then I have the weekend to try get it out and and recover a bit.

He knew I was vunerable but not the extent. No-one could ever have guessed that as I hide it very well. Outwardly I am extremely confident. He was a very good friend to me in many ways and I am happy I met him and were friends. I don't feel angry now I have digested it - in fact I am glad he has found someone he really likes. I am just so profoundly sad that I will never speak to him again. I am sad more at the concept of losing hope of a relationship than the reality of it not happening with him (as I always knew it wouldn't) if that makes sense.

rightchoice Thu 15-Sep-11 22:56:08

I'm glad you don't feel angry sound so kind. Honestly, there is more than one way to live. Having it all does not necessarily mean being in love, or having a partner by your side. Life has so much to offer, just explore a few of those crazy things that people who are tied down with commitments can't do. Push the boundaries a bit do something that involves a different sort of risk, I don't know - sky diving or something very challenging - my friend went trapize training when her relationship ended!!! Go on have a go..... you can start a relationship with you new self. I am not being flippant but sometimes we have to push the boundaries, what have you got to lose? Try not to be sad

SkinnedAlive Fri 16-Sep-11 15:22:49

You are right rightchoice. Actually I have done flying trapeze myself at the circus school when I lived in London grin I loved it! I do not think there are many adventure sports I have not done at my ripe old age. I do make the most of my freedom and have moved abroad with a complete career change and am now doing something I love.

Today has been a good day. I miss him yes, but I have been thinking of the happy times. We both got a lot from the friendship. He has blocked me on FB so I do not think he is feeling the same way about me at the moment.

Yesterday I was very upset and maybe I will be again tomorrow, or next week. As I said I have had a lot of therapy and am trying to use the CBT techniques I learned. He taught me a lot about myself and my own personality - both my faults and my good points. I went down 3 dress sizes(!) and I have a lot more confidence in myself. I have started wearing pretty clothes on occassion. I don't mind other people touching me so much, and dare I say it, I even enjoy hugging my close friends (male and female) - that would have made me feel sick 9 or 10 months ago. Also, the doors that he opened - maybe it is time smile I don't want to be alone forever. Maybe I will be but perhaps it is time to try something new. I work with a lot of young people (as I retrained after a different career) and that is fun. They accept me and I have a lot of laughs. The 'boys' are in their 20's and safe for me to chat to and flirt with a little which I would NEVER have done before. Perhaps being more relaxed about men in general is a stepping stone I need to maybe finding a man of my own age in time.

I feel sad that our friendship started the way it did. If it had only ever been friends we would be friends now. But not every friendship lasts for a long time. I also remind myself why it was time to walk away. He was being very difficult over the last few weeks and showed me a side I had never seen before and did not like.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who commented. I appreciated it and the writing down of it all helped. I have no doubt I will be wailing and beating my chest in a few days, but today is a good day grin

issey6cats Fri 16-Sep-11 16:08:37

glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better today smile

rightchoice Fri 16-Sep-11 22:07:31

Glad you felt better today. Great to hear about the pretty clothes and your work. The FB blocking may have been someone elses idea not his! In some way it is better not to know what he is up to. That way you get back to your life and he moves with his. Hope your weekend is good - go treat yourself and plan something great for tomorrow and Sunday. Love that you have worked hard with the CBT too, we need all the tools possible sometimes. Stay strong.

SkinnedAlive Sat 17-Sep-11 09:17:31

Admittedly I unfriended him. Not out of malice or temper, but because I did not want to know what he was up to, and one of us would have caved in and started a chat. So far he has blocked me then unblocked me twice. He will be expecting me to contact him on bended knee full of apologies, then will be getting angry when I don't. His GF will never know of my existence and he will be very careful about keeping everything on his computer locked down.

Friends from work are too young for me to socialise with really - I am past going out to clubs getting blind drunk - so I do get lonely on weekends. I do some voluntary work Friday nights/Saturday afternoon, partly for experience in my new career, partly so I don't feel the only person in the world sitting sad and alone on those days without a social life. I didn't go in yesterday but I will this afternoon I think. I will join the gym and also meet some friends tomorrow afternoon for a walk smile

I feel a little lonely today, but not distraught and abandoned like I have done previous weekends. I missed work Thursday so will spend a lot of the weekend catching up so that will keep me busy too. It will just take time. Weekends are the worst so I need to make arrangements and keep myself occupied and busy

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