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need advice re cheating dh

(33 Posts)
keelybooboo Thu 15-Sep-11 13:41:29

in march my world was shattered when i found out my dh was having an affair with a work collegue

after a lot of soul searching i decided that i wanted to stay in the relationship and i'll hold my hands up to my faults - i know i'm not blameless

whats troubleing me now is that 6 months on his efforts to be better/more loving/attentive seem to have died off

i don't believe for a minute that the affair is still going on but i just don't get some things

examples - i bought the shirley glass book 'not just friends' and went on and on about how brilliant it is and how much it has helped me but yet not once has he ever picked it up and looked at it

he admitted to unprotected sex - i said i wanted tests done for both of us he said he'd sort it but nothings been done

got a couple of bunches of flowers after hints but the last one was a good 2 months ago

i think i'm worried that we went through this 'hysterical' bonding that i've read about and i felt amazing and like a love sick teenager and now what i'm feeling is reality and i don't like it?

thnks for reading ths far, any advice would be appreicated

sternface Thu 15-Sep-11 13:49:12

Then you re-negotiate.

You say that the shock has now worn off and you have realised that he really hasn't done enough to convince you he's worth forgiving. Then reiterate your conditions for staying in this relationship.

It sounds as though you took some blame for his actions though - and that is always unwise. Also, it's your responsibility to yourself to get yourself tested - not wait for the person who jeopardised your health, to arrange tests.

It sounds as though he thinks that whatever he does or doesn't do, you will never have the courage to leave him.

Is he right?

keelybooboo Thu 15-Sep-11 14:14:10

why is it unwise to accept some blame? and you're right about the tests-i guess i just wanted him to prove that he can actually do something he's said he's gonna do without being nagged. epic fail.

i'm also finding myself thinking about other men in a tit for tat way - and i know thats not a good sign

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 15-Sep-11 14:15:22

Are you saying that you feel he has not addressed the reasons why he had the affair along with his issues, lack of boundaries and vulnerabilities?

Remember that the affair is about him and that he chose to shag a colleague instead of trying to work through relationship problems.

I do hope you are not having sex with him as you both need to be tested for STDs first.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 15-Sep-11 14:19:42

Why should you take the blame for the affair? He is the one who broke his marriage vows, he is the one who promised to be faithful.

You both are responsible for your relationship vulnerabilities. I would advise you to re read Not Just Friends to help with this and with your feelings about him. I think you need to talk to him about how you feel.

And FFS, do get yourself tested - your health is at stake here!

keelybooboo Thu 15-Sep-11 14:20:40

no mad i think we both understand why it happened, i'm just pissed off i suppose that he seems to think that its all over and done with now and that i've obviously forgotton about the STD tests now as i haven't mentioned it for a couple of months

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 15-Sep-11 14:21:56

What actions did you take that led to his affair?

countingto10 Thu 15-Sep-11 14:23:21

If you haven't had counselling now is probably the time, both solo and joint. We had counselling straightaway upon the discovery and, in hindsight, that was too soon because I was in a very traumatic state.

I presume your DH is allowing you unfettered access to his mobile, emails, facebook, etc as a bare minimum. TBH it took my DH a good 6/8 months to truly get it and after several meltdowns from me. Now he has taken himself back to counselling 2.5 yrs later to deal with stuff from his childhood - he has loads of issues (the affair being a symptom of these complex issues).

Try counselling and if there are no changes (sometimes a TP pointing things out does the trick) then you have your answer.

Good luck.

mumsamilitant Thu 15-Sep-11 14:27:23

To be honest I don't know many men that would pick up self-help book and read it.

And yes, press again for test said in an unscaremongering way

People do have a tendency to slip back into old, comfortable ways. Just give him another massive kick up the jacksy stert reminder its only 6 months on not 6 years.

mumsamilitant Thu 15-Sep-11 14:27:55

"stern" not stert!

keelybooboo Thu 15-Sep-11 14:27:55

well it sounds lame but he honestly believed that i no longer loved him-i was pretty nasty

he absolutly agrees that it shouldnt have happened and he should have left rather that have an affair

i don't want to live this crap existence, i'm 34 ffs - i want it to all go away and never have happened

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 15-Sep-11 14:28:13

If there is nothing left, its probably best to be honest with your H and end the marriage - however, I get the impression that you feel your H is not taking enough responsibility? He needs to know what you are thinking and feeling and counselling sounds like a good idea (we had some and it really helped).

keelybooboo Thu 15-Sep-11 14:34:19

i think counselling would help but he's not keen and i know i would have to do all the bloody arranging

yes he's very open with his phone and has deleted his facebook

is it normal to have revenge affair thoughts?

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 15-Sep-11 14:38:40

Re you being nasty - when did that start? It would be interesting to know if this began around the time when OW first came onto the scene (i.e before the actual affair).

This is a common pattern as the betrayer often starts to detach/withdraw from the other partner, causing a vicious circle of criticism, nagging etc before and during the affair - that way they can justify having the affair as their wife didn't understand them/was nasty etc.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 15-Sep-11 14:41:45

I never thought about having a revenge affair and I do wonder if you are thinking these thoughts because your H isn't doing everything he can to help you recover. I am sorry but this lack of taking responsibility (its his mess FFS) would be a deal breaker for me - there is no way I would have stayed with my H if he didn't arrange everything and left all the work to me.

keelybooboo Thu 15-Sep-11 14:50:13

the trouble is, how honest is it best to be? do i actually tell him that i'm thinking about fucking somebody else just to get back at him?! maybe he needs that reality check or it'll make it worse.

he only met the ow in nov 10 when he changed jobs - affair went from jan-march. i've been horrible for alot longer than that!!

and for the record he still fucking works there and that feels bloody awful knowing that he lays his eyes on her everyday

sternface Thu 15-Sep-11 14:51:00

Yes, I'd be very interested to hear just when you started being "nasty" OP. How long has he worked with this colleague OP?

shock that reading a book is seen as too onerous a task for an unfaithful man hmm

keelybooboo Thu 15-Sep-11 14:56:13

got to do school pick up now

will have words tonight i think

of all i've said it's the not looking at the book thats hurt/pissed me off the most! irrational? i don't know?

sternface Thu 15-Sep-11 14:58:16

So what has he actually done OP?

None of the things that are recommended, by the sounds of things. No counselling, no STI checks, hasn't read anything, didn't change jobs and is still in daily contact with the OW. Perhaps he thinks it was worth it? Apart from a few recriminations, the effect of his affair was that you clung on to him and acted like a lovesick teenager around him.

Does he respect you, do you think?

mumsamilitant Thu 15-Sep-11 15:25:43

Wanting a man to read a book about relationships??????????? Mine would rather poke sharp sticks in his eyes.

countingto10 Thu 15-Sep-11 16:28:36

Mind didn't actually read the book (doesn't read any books at all, never) but I did make a point of reading all the relevant bits to him, for him to inwardly digest and to comment on eg was it relevant to his affair or not etc. But we were also having counselling at the same time so an understanding was reached between us already that work was needed to repair the marriage and he was no prize hmm. Indeed I was the prize and he had to work at changing himself to win me.

I think you need a serious discussion with your H tonight OP - I also wonder if there isn't something going on with the OW still, that he hasn't fully detached from her hmm.

everyonebutme Thu 15-Sep-11 21:01:20

I could have written your post Keeley. I got confirmation from him end of Feb/March. Had a bad day today and feel that he's doing nothing to help with the recovery. Or to find out how I'm feeling. I've read the book too and suggested it to him but he won't read it. I think he thinks that by ignoring what's happened and not talking about it and me going on ADs everything will be OK with me. And I'm still in so much pain sad

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 15-Sep-11 21:32:22

Overall, itseems that you rewarded him for having an affair and now you're considering having one because either:

a) You want to be the object of his attention

b) You want to hurt him the same way he's hurt you

c) You need confirmation that you are still attractive to other men

None of the above will make you feel good and you will risk some spectacular backfiring if you act on your impulse to engage in tit-for-tat because:

a) He may vote with his feet

b) He may feel less guilt about his own affair and no pain whatsoever

c) As any woman can get a shag anytime, you won't have proved anything if you cop off with another man plus you've got no guarantee that the lucky guy will stick around for longer than the time it takes one night.

Now that the novelty's worn off and he's no longer paying you any special attention or showing remorse for his actions, you're back to reality.

If this is the same reality that you experienced before his affair, you may need to ask yourself whether you want to stay in a relatonship with a man who's cheated on you and takes you for granted or whether there are steps you can take together to make your marriage a more satisfying union.

maleview70 Thu 15-Sep-11 22:14:16

To be honest he probably thinks it's all over and done with now. Some Men can move on very quickly from things. We can hate another man, have a fight with him and then have a pint with him an hour later. We can end a relationship and be in another a week later.

He probably made a bit of an effort at the beginning, got you behaving like a loved up teenager, got you to admit your part in it which will have made his guilt 50% leas straight away, bought a few flowers and thought thank fuck for that, she has forgiven me and life rolls on.

It sounds to me like he has put this to bed and thinks you have too. He will no doubt be surprised when you bring it up again.

FabbyChic Thu 15-Sep-11 22:33:14

Your looking for things.

When you look you find them.

You cannot live in the past and have to decide if a future is what you really want.

If you cannot get over this affair, and I don't think I ever could, then you have to be honest with him and yourself and move on from it and split up.

Him having the tests would have been a decider before even considering sleeping with him again.

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