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I really need some advice about DP's ex....

(70 Posts)
TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Thu 15-Sep-11 12:48:35

I've namechanged for this, purely because I don't want DP reading it, I really don't want to cause him any more stress.

I moved in with my DP a little over a month ago - I have 2 dc, and he has 2 dc that he has every weekend and usually one night during the week. The children are all lovely, all get on great, no problems there.

His exw has been trouble since we got together, but since we moved in together, it's moved up several notches, and I really need help with dealing with it.

I'll start with some background... She threw him out when they split, and her new partner moved in within 2 weeks. He didn't have an affair with me, or anything like that, we didn't get together until they had been split up for a while, and I had been separated from my exh for 18 months when we met.

The last few weeks have been dreadful. When we were in the process of moving, I went with my dd to finish clearing my old house, and she visited when I wasn't there to look around the house - now I understand that she would need to know/see where her children stay, and make sure that it's all ok - but she went upstairs, along with her boyfriend, and inspected OUR bedroom.

Last weekend, we had all the children, and her ds was ill when he arrived. He had to be carried into the house from the car in his pyjamas. He proceeded to vomit all weekend - please don't get me wrong, I have no problems helping look after him, I'm a mum myself, and also a nurse - but he needed his mum. However, she refused to take him back because she was going out for the evening. After he had been up all night being sick, she still refused to take him back in the morning because she had a sore throat hmm Eventually, she called, full of guilt, and demanded that he was brought home - at which point, DP was bombarded with texts and calls telling him that we'd been hideously irresponsible and allowed him to become dehydrated and it was ALL OUR FAULT.

Yesterday was the last straw. She had invited us to her ds swimming party at the weekend, and I really didn't want to go - I suggested that we have another little party for him at our house nearer to his birthday at the end of the month - so DP said no. She started shouting and screaming down the phone, calling him names and hung up on him - only to turn up at the house 5 minutes later screaming at him on the doorstep and when he closed the door, shouting through the letterbox that he's a bastard, etc.

She's asked if her and her bf can come to our house for Christmas dinner to make it nice for the kids hmm - this one, I have completely refused. It's our first Christmas in our house, and I just can't.

She demands that he has the children whenever she feels like it, and if he can't, makes him feel guilty. She changes arrangements at the last minute. I could go on all day.

DP just wants a quiet life, and tries to pacify her, but it's got to the point where it's affecting MY life and my children too.

What the hell can I do? I don't want to go on at him all the time, he gets enough grief, honestly, I don't want to add to it - but I am trying so hard to remain civil.

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Thu 15-Sep-11 12:50:29

God, sorry this is so long... I am ranting a bit. But this situation is becoming intolerable, and it's really spoiling what should be the 'honeymoon period' in our new house sad

Poogles Thu 15-Sep-11 13:16:09

It sounds like she might be a bit jealous. I know she has a boyfriend but is she happy? Jealous of the house maybe? Perhaps the expeting you to take the DC at short notice is her way of saying she should have a life too. Is there any chance of sitting down and agreeing on a way forward? Perhaps swapping so you have custody & she has contact? I agree Christmas is a no no for many reasons!!!!

You need to try and find a way forward as the screaming & shouting is not good for the children. Sorry, no real advice to help.

Patienceobtainsallthings Thu 15-Sep-11 13:53:31

She has to learn this is all unacceptable behaviour ,end off !She has to learn she is ur partners past and she cant shout at him now .She has no relationship with him .Dp has a relationship with the kids not her.I would raise the boundaries re what is acceptable and unacceptable ,but u need to stay strong and consistent .If you dont want her in your home then dont have her in your home .I bet you could still feel the "negativity"when she left .She is angry and unhappy she will give off that vibe .She is a manipulator .She will have her own story about how she ended up in this place emotionally but thats nothing to do with u or dp.We make our own happiness in this life ,up to her to sort herself out.You have a right to a happy life completely independent of her.You have to learn to detatch from her and her dramas and dp can work out what he wants and act appropriately.I would say quick handovers ,short phonecalls ,keep your lives as seperate as possible and take her out of the equation as much as possible .She wont like it but not your problem.Stay calm and positive and utterly fabulous as often as possible and enjoy your new home xxxxxxx

HotBurrito1 Thu 15-Sep-11 13:54:35

There are a lot of issues here but the first question that comes to mind is would it have been such a sacrifice for you to go to the swimming party? Seems she is trying to get along but there is a clash of personalities. You don't have to be great buddies (or have them for Christmas!) but obviously you all need to work on making it civil.

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Thu 15-Sep-11 13:57:19

She's definitely not jealous of the house - the house that he moved out of is huge and very pretty.

I do see what you're saying about her having a life - but she has every weekend without her dc, so really she has plenty of free time.

If it were up to me... I would like a little bit of a pow-wow around a table to thrash it all out without arguing. But I don't think either she or DP would agree to it. Plus, she is so unreasonable that I don't think it would work.

I really do need a way forward. Part of me thinks that it's not my business... but at the same time, it is, iyswim.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 15-Sep-11 14:00:46

You say your DP wants a quiet life and pacifies her. He may have to become willing to set some firm boundaries before you see any improvement in the situation. But that of course is up to him to do, or not.

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Thu 15-Sep-11 14:01:03

HotBurrito1 - I wasn't going to say this, for fear of identification, but to be fair, my OP would make it obvious who I was talking about if she read it.

She is currently on sick leave after having a tummy tuck and a boob job. Whilst I wish her all the happiness in the world wink, I really have no desire to be walking around in my swimming costume with my tired overweight body - for her and all her yummy mummy friends to take the piss out of me. Kwim?

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls Thu 15-Sep-11 14:01:08

It sounds like she's jealous that she can't just dump and run and make him do all the stuff he was doing pre- you. cake and eating it anyone?

Good Luck OP

HotBurrito1 Thu 15-Sep-11 14:04:03

Ahh fair do's. She will have her own buoyancy aids grin

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Thu 15-Sep-11 14:09:35

Patienceobtainsallthings - I could have written your post. I'm a very calm, balanced person - until I'm riled. I've had my share of negativity around me from various people in the past, and always do my best to get rid of it. But I feel like this woman is infecting my previously calm life.

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Thu 15-Sep-11 14:11:01

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls - she asks him to do jobs around the house when he goes to pick up/drop off the kids - carrying furniture upstairs for her and such - because her bf has a bad back hmm I fucking hate seeing him having the piss taken out of him. She treats him like the handyman.

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Thu 15-Sep-11 14:11:53

I'm making him sound like a wimp - and he's not. He just wants to keep the peace - and keep everything civil, which to my mind, is a good thing. But it's not working.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Thu 15-Sep-11 14:14:47

You don't need to be uncivil to set boundaries!
But you do need to risk ruffling feathers.

Sounds like her feathers will get ruffled regardless of how reasonable your limits are, as she is clearly a manipulative person with no boundaries.

Patienceobtainsallthings Thu 15-Sep-11 14:15:55

She is taking the piss good and proper "Trying "
going into your bedroom,
swearing thru ur letterbox,
taking a strop if things dont go her way ,Why because she cant show off her new bod in front of u at the pool ,screams of low self esteem to me ,i truly would take myself out of this as soon as possible .
Support ur dp by all means but just remember what you want is important ,so if you dont want to do something dont do it ,well done for knocking her back on xmas day .

TryingNotToLoseMyTemper Thu 15-Sep-11 14:20:38

Hahaha! As if I would do the Christmas day thing! What, walk round all day serving her food? I think not!

Patienceobtainsallthings Thu 15-Sep-11 14:23:20

Moving furniture ffs
I understand ur bloke is a good guy ,but he needs to learn when she is crossing a line .
Its quite simple when u know how ,i can only say that because i previously had no boundaries and ran about to please everyone all the time ,was always unhappy and pissed off .
As i see it now she is no more connected to him than a stranger in the street .
Would you get an X of urs to move furniture .
Why is he in her house ?
Pick up kids ,drop off kids always be in a hurry thats my advice to ur dp ,calm and civil is the way to go but all this entertwined stuff aint working ,its making u sad ,making your bloke sad and will make ur home sad .Just change your behaviour around her .

MordechaiVanunu Thu 15-Sep-11 14:23:36

Umm, a few things strike me.

The DS had his DAD when he was ill and his mum had arranged a night out. Surely his dad should be just as able to look after his sick child as his mum and if I were her I'd be pissed off at being expected to cancel my night out by my ex.hmm.

Also YOU wanted a separate party because YOU didn't want to wear a swimming costume. Shouldn't that decision have been based firstly on what the child wanted and secondly on what his parents agreed??

YOU want a lovely first christmas. YOU want a lovely honeymoon period.

Sorry but when there a children and ex partners involved it cannot be just about how lovely you want things to be for YOU.

She may be vile and unreasonable, I don't know, but reading between the lines you're not making this easy for everyone either.

Patienceobtainsallthings Thu 15-Sep-11 14:24:21

Woo Hoo !!!
you go girl lol!!!
I can just picture ya pulling crackers LOL!!!!

SingOut Thu 15-Sep-11 14:26:03

He sounds exactly like my ex. I split up with him mostly because I could see a situation like yours on the horizon and I knew he would never change and be able to set firm boundaries with his ex wife. That would have required a personality transformation I didn't think was very likely.
Sorry, I know that's not very helpful. Have you considered Relate with or without him? It sounds hellish to be you right now. sad

Patienceobtainsallthings Thu 15-Sep-11 14:27:32

Nothing wrong with a bit of "You ".If you dont want to see the X dont send them with their dad ,shes shouting "bastard " through OPs letterbox ,i wouldnt want to spend time with her either .

MordechaiVanunu Thu 15-Sep-11 14:27:52

Personally I would hope the father of my children would still help me with heavy things in the house even if we split up.

Your objection to that seems petty.

And indignation at the thought of making a meal she might eat additionally makes you like the one with a few issues here.

Patienceobtainsallthings Thu 15-Sep-11 14:28:46

*dont,just send them with their dad

Patienceobtainsallthings Thu 15-Sep-11 14:32:18

Some people remain very amicable after seperation and i think that is wonderful.

MordechaiVanunu Thu 15-Sep-11 14:33:06

Yes verbal abuse through the letter box is vile and totally unacceptable.

My reading of the situation though is there sounds like lots of anger, nastiness, selfishness and pettiness all round which often results in someone or other getting verbally abusive.

It's only a suspicion but I suspect some verbal unpleasantness has gin on bit ways here, and of course we only ger the OPs view of the other woman. I think there is another view that can be glimpsed here.

OP can totally decide what she personally does, but she is also trying to decide what her partner and his children do, for birthdays and chritmas etc, and that then involves compromise and is not just about her.

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