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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

to stay with cheating husband?

41 replies

unknownmember · 15/09/2011 03:52

I've changed my name as i am so embarrassed.

I was checking something on my husbands email as we both know each others account details. And i found he had activated an old email account and i became curious as to why. And found he had asked a question on yahoo.

He cheated on me 4 weeks ago with an escort. Unprotected oral and vaginal sex. Has had sex with me since. And i'm pregnant and breastfeeding our 9 month old. He has gone for tests for STDs and HIV. How could he??

He's not the man i thought he was and i dont know if i can recover from this. Or how to recover. I always thought that once something like this happened i would be the strong woman who would respect herself enough to leave. But i have a child and another one on the way.

I'm so upset, so hurt. And i have no-one i can tell.

OP posts:

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LDNmummy · 15/09/2011 04:04

Hey unknown, I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

Wish I could say something more productive but just didn't want your post to go unanswered as it is quite early in the morning (unless someone posts before I finish writing this).

Personally I would wait till I was calm enough to talk about it and then sit him down and tell him I knew. Then go from there. I would most likely ask for financial support and to stay in the family home and ask him to leave. Actually I would demand and expect it but articulate it in a way that was not betraying to the fact that I would be feeling like kicking the shit out of him.

I just don't know what else to say really, he has done something so ridiculously unsafe not just for you, but for your two children.

Actually, I would seek legal advice without letting him know I knew anything and print out all the proof I could get from his email accounts and other online sources.

Then I would take him to court and sue the fucking bastard for reckless endangerment (I don't know if you can sue for that particular offence in the UK, but would seek the UK equivalent).

He put you and your children at risk in a very serious way and that is unforgivable.

I'm actually getting angrier as I write this, it is just wholly disgusting behaviour

He endangered his whole family including his innocent little 9 month old and the baby you haven't even had yet!

Runlolarun · 15/09/2011 04:07

I am so sorry for you.
My husband cheated when I was at my most vulnerable too.
I am still here over a year on and I am getting myself together again. I think I was struck by you saying that he isn't the man you thought he was. I still feel that way, sadly. I have forgiven him for the most part, but don't know if I will ever respect him in the same way again.
I am recovering though. I have just realised that 'I' am more important than our marriage. The side effect is that our marriage is good again. Very good. But I know that he will never really rest on his laurels because I may change my mind at any time.
Sometimes it takes more strength to stay.
Stay strong.

LoulouCapone · 15/09/2011 04:07

Oh no. I don't know what to say, I feel angry on your behalf. I really do wonder about the mentality of men who put their wives in so much danger. But your unborn baby too?!

From experience I found it was impossible to decide anything straightaway. And this was pre Dc's. I spent a long time going through the motions, and once I had done that I realised it wasn't meant to be. Really I knew I'd never stop hating him. But it took a while to get to that stage, and a rollercoaster of emotions along the way.

You need to get yourself tested as a priorty, and I would also take copies of what you've found in case you need them in the future.

In mn hugs from me.

AnneWiddecomesArse · 15/09/2011 04:08

You need to go to your GP. As you already know; there's a risk of STD's/Hiv and also Hepatitis.
How could he ?
That's simple . He's an immature, irresponsible shit.

You're still BF; and pregnat, you need to establish your health status.

Don't be embarrassed. You didn't cheat and you didn't have un -protected sex.

So sort yourself, your BF baby and your unborn child. He's compromised all three. You can't do anything about his actions at the moment. That will come later.
Go straight to your Doctor

4aminsomniac · 15/09/2011 04:10

That is awful, you must fell like your world is falling apart.

I would talk to your GP about the health issues for you, breastfeeding baby and pregnancy. I certainly wouldn't sleep with him again until all health issues are sorted out.

That would be the immediate stuff, what you do about the relationship is much harder, especially as you are pregnant.. do yoh have family and friends around to support you? In your place I would be thinking of splitting up with him for sure; could you do that temporarily even, to give you space to think?

unknownmember · 15/09/2011 04:11

We live abroad so its nearly time for him to come home. So i will talk to him soon. I'm devastated, i really am. And to make it worse he did this on the day we found out my uncle had passed away.

He's home. I'll update soon, i need some support. Thanks

OP posts:

LDNmummy · 15/09/2011 04:11

So glad others are awake to give more rational advice.

ButterflySally · 15/09/2011 04:18

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.

There are two issues here. Firstly, he has cheated. This, on its own is not insurmountable (although others will differ on this).

However, the second, far more serious issue is that he has taken an incredible risk which puts your, your child's and your unborn baby's health, well-being, and lives at risk. This is completely unforgivable.

Please book in with your GP to get yourself checked out. Please also seek support in real life wherever you can.

ButterflySally · 15/09/2011 04:23

Out of interest, what Q did he ask on yahoo?

FemaleEuknickers · 15/09/2011 05:24

You really need to talk to him. As mistakes go, this is pretty huge. My biggest problem isn't that he did it but that he then had unprotected sex with you, knowing he had done it. That's one of the most selfish things i have ever heard.

unknownmember · 15/09/2011 05:47

I've jut spoken to him. He says that he was completely drunk and can't remember much of it.

I cam see the remorse in his eyes and see how scared he is that I will leave. But that doesn't make it all better. The thought of him in bed with another woman, I can't get the image out of my head.

He has had tests done which have come back clear. But again, he still put us all in jeopardy.

I have no one to talk to or tell. My parents are going through some tough times at the moment and I couldn't put this on them too. An I'm too embarrassed to talk to my friends. It makes me feel like I wasn't and am not enough for him.

OP posts:

unknownmember · 15/09/2011 05:49

He asked about STDs butterflySally. I think that he caught thrush and gave that to me. But like all men he thought it was much more and it turned out it wasn't.

OP posts:

no1idiot · 15/09/2011 05:53

I am so sorry about this. I was in simiar situation some time back. My H did not have unprotected sex but he did go with lots of escorts. I do not think I will ever get over it. When he really thought about what he has done and the risk he had put us in he was shit scared (excuse my language). He also had to go and be tested and then retested. Truthfully I will never completely trust him again.

I also have had no one I could tell. It is one of the most difficult things so talk away on here until you make a decision. There are lots of sensible ladies on here. I am probably not one of them. You do not say what your marriage is like? Is it good or just a going through the motions relationship? This may have some bearing on what you next do.

Are you able to say what country you are in? Is it easy too get health checks where you are? You must go and get this done as soon as you can. If you are unable to get immediate results this also needs discussing with whoever is overseeing your pregnancy.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/09/2011 05:54

Completely drunk and can't remember is a classic excuse, though, from someone who is otherwise caught bang to rights.

no1idiot · 15/09/2011 05:57

If it was 4 weeks ago I do not think you can get the all clear on all the potential risks in that time. Somone else will clarify I am sure but I am pretty sure.

How comes the yahoo question told you about the escort? Did he refer to that person in the question?

unknownmember · 15/09/2011 06:01

We are in America. We moved here at the beginning of the year.

We do have a good marriage. We get on well, he makes me laugh and funnily I always felt safe with him. He looks after us and apart from this has always put us first. He is a great dad and dotes on DS.

I just don't know what to do. I can't leave him. But it hurts so much, and I never thought he would be the one to cause this hurt.

OP posts:

no1idiot · 15/09/2011 06:08

As I said other far more sensible people will be along. You may want to post this on the relationships board too as some of the real sensible experts are on that board; I do not count myself as one of them.

I am not saying you should but you can leave him if that is your decision. You are in the driving seat.

But the most important thing to do first is get ourself fully checked (and him) and I am not sure you are going to be able to get final sign off on this for some time.

FemaleEuknickers · 15/09/2011 07:01

I'm sure HIV etc takes 6 months or something to develop? I had a full MOT before i got married and remembersomething along those lines.

this doesn't have to be a marriage breaker and i know strong marriages that have survived worse. However, that doesn't mean he doesn't have a price to pay and you are completely within your rights to be hurt, angry, disappointed etc. There will be fallout from this and he'd better hope it hasn't cost him his marriage.

Faithless12 · 15/09/2011 07:17

He will need a retest for HIV. Only you can decide if you can make your relationship work. I don't think I could work on a relationship in the circumstances you describe. It was an escort?! He put your children at risk, for me that's the deal breaker.

Elderberries · 15/09/2011 07:32

Don't have any more unprotected sex with him until you know he hasn't got a more serious STD whenever that may be.

Don't make any decisions in haste. It takes time.

I come to this having cheated on my DH (before we were married) for about three weeks.

I told him what had happened, he decided he wanted to work at things and now 6 years later we are very happy. Really very happy. I'm not saying this to sway you in any way but just point out people make really terrible mistakes but you can come back from them if they are worth the effort.

It took us about 2 + to get past what I did. I love him and I always did.

unknownmember · 15/09/2011 07:36

I don't think I can leave him. I can see how sorry he is. I know it makes me sound like a doormat but I'm not. We have been happily married before this happened. And I can't ignore those tears, can I?

OP posts:

Bloodymary · 15/09/2011 08:19

I am so sorry you are going thru this OP.
Are you absolutly sure about the unprotected vaginal sex? I do know some working girls (in the UK) and they would not dream of doing that.

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unpa1dcar3r · 15/09/2011 08:23

Bloody conniving bastard! Chop his dick off and serve it to him on a bed of rice.

Then decide what you want to do about being with him or not.
What a low life. Is he sorry cos he's sorry or cos you caught him?

bumbleymummy · 15/09/2011 08:34

I find the 'unprotected sex with an escort' idea a bit suspicious too I'm afraid. Is it possible that he might be telling you that because he thinks (for some bizarre reason) that it would be easier for you to think it was a meaningless mistake with a prostitute rather than another woman he knows - maybe a colleague? Sorry, it's horrible to speculate on someone else's life but it does strike me as a bit strange.

Also, didn't you say you found out about your uncle dying on the sane day he cheated? Why was he out getting drunk then?!

kat2504 · 15/09/2011 08:39

I've answered on your other thread in Relationships. For me it would be a dealbreaker. More so because of putting the health of the children at risk.

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