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sitting here numb have just thrown my husband out

(19 Posts)
issey6cats Wed 14-Sep-11 20:01:18

i dont normally tell anyone my private business let alone a public forum but A i need to get this out and B know i will get some good advice on here

3 times i have caught him chatting up women on match.com. 3 times hes said its the last time,
the latest one said his phone broke a couple of months ago, and the other day looking for some royal mail e bay receipts in the car i found a top up chit for the supposedly broken phone, confronted him tonight because i caught him with the supposedly broken phone in his hand texting, he wouldnt give me the phone, if he was innocent he would have done

we had a huge row and hes gone, no sorry, i was spying onhim etc,

i dont even know what money i will get as i was his carer (he is disabled but not in a wheelchair is a hidden disability) so my only income till tonight was carers allowance, everything else is in his name
am totally lost

vnmum Wed 14-Sep-11 20:07:50

have you got any family you can ring tonight?
See if you can get to a CAB tomorrow, they should be able to help with benefits etc, writing cv etc.

It sounds like you have had a very hard time over the past few months. I don't really have anymore advise as I haven't been in your situation or known anyone who has but I didn't want your post to go unanswered

Foxy800 Wed 14-Sep-11 20:17:48

Sorry to hear you are having an awful time, I know how you feel as I had to ask dp to leave on Tuesday.

I agree with the pp about cab, Im off there tomorrow.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 14-Sep-11 20:20:53

no sorry, i was spying on him etc That the usual response when a lying twunt is caught bang to rights - they twist it round and make their OH feel it's their fault.

Did he take any clothing with him?

I doubt that he's gone far and I suspect he'll be back soon. In the meantime, take advantage of having some 'me time' to do what you want.

Do you have dc?

issey6cats Wed 14-Sep-11 21:01:21

sorry didnt come straight back yes i had the pleasure of lobbing his clothes in a big heap in the front garden, no his grown up daughter lives here and i have told her that shes welcome to stay till shithead gets somewhere else to live, have not rung any of my kids will do that when ive stopped being so angry, i am at college all day tommorow but will go and see what im entitled to on friday, he phoned me and i asked him why and he said cos ive always done this, a nice house, nice car and fairly nice life wasnt enough foxy have a big hug from me sorry you are in the same position, is a rented house in his name but am sure the agency will change it to mine, just hope that i will get housing benefit etc, hopefully when i finish college in july i will be able to get some paid work, ironically i was working, had alife ,a rented house, paid all my own bills before i met him and stupidly gave it all up for him

Foxy800 Wed 14-Sep-11 21:06:12

Its a nightmare but we will both get there.

joblot Wed 14-Sep-11 21:59:02

Definitely talk to someone if you can, will help to get all your thoughts sorted.
And be gentle with yourself, its incredibly hard ending a relationship even when its been shit. Treat yourself, you deserve it

issey6cats Wed 14-Sep-11 22:01:36

have asked my daughter to come up on friday as i will be too tired tommorow, looked on the benefits calculator and looks like i will be living on £57 a week after finding the £10 a week towards the rent great how the hell am i going to pay all the bills and eat on thats sort of money, i hate him right now

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 14-Sep-11 22:52:51

You main objective is to get everything transferred into your name so that you can claim housing benefit and whatever else is available.

When it comes to money where there's a will, there's a way and you sound enterprising enough to find the way forward pdq.

Maybe you can pick up some extra cash in hand from babysitting, bar work, etc to keep you going until you finish college. Are you eligible for a student loan?

Perhaps his grown-up daughter would prefer to live with you and may be able to contribute something to the pot?

Also consider selling any surplus stuff you have hanging around on gumtree or eBay.

Best not to tell your dc until you've calmed down and have got the house transferred into your name and/or have some idea of where you stand.

As for him, he ain't worth the candle but, regardless of where he's living, if you're still providing an element of care for him you can continue to claim carer's allowance.

An alternative would be to let him live in the house with the proviso that you have separate bedrooms and live your own lives until you are in a position to move on without financial hardship.

Personally, I don't see why you should suffer any inconvenience because he's a twunt, but only you know if you would be able to tolerate being under the same roof as him again.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 14-Sep-11 22:55:31

BTW, even if you are living under the same roof, providing you are not co-habiting in the biblical sense you can file for divorce on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

Jux Thu 15-Sep-11 14:26:46

Good luck op. Hope it all works out for you. Sadly many people have been in your position (many of them on mn) but happily they've all got through it and gone on to have happy fulfilled lives. You will too.

issey6cats Thu 15-Sep-11 17:13:30

izzy the living in the same house wouldnt work as its a small two bedrooms and stepdaughter has one of them, so he would be on the sofa.

yes am going to look around and flog a few bits on e bay, got some gold he bought me for one, im 55 so babysitting or bar work is probably out,

somehow i will survive when i met him i had £60 a month disposable income and i survived then ,

its weird i feel absolutely nothing towards him hes an idiot and has thrown away everything for the thrill of chatting up women he dosent know, i am not going to tell my children exactly why we have split up as my sons would gun for him and its not worth the aggro

dont think eligible for a student loan as its all changed now, whereas i would have got my course for free in the past i had to pay 25% of the cost, luckily i had planned ahead and saved this money up and have paid off my fees in full, and i live a ten minute walk from college. and no i would rather not have to see him so will tell carers on monday when i have been to see what im entitled to tommorrow

issey6cats Thu 15-Sep-11 17:20:44

ironically jux i had all that the job, fullfilling independant life before i met him, i was stupid enough to fall for a player and have besically wasted the last 8 years with a marriage of 6 years that has been dying inch by inch, because he wouldnt put in the effort

SuePurblybilt Thu 15-Sep-11 17:29:16

issey, are you doing an HE course full-time? As in a degree or foundation degree? If so you will be entitled to some help if you're on your own now and your college/University will have a student support office that can help you through this and through benefits/housing. There should be someone there to do some of the phone calls/investigating for you.

issey6cats Thu 15-Sep-11 18:18:30

hi no its a btec level 2 in animal care so the equivalent of gcses will see what i am entitled to first am just praying that i will be able to carry on with the course as it says on the gov website students are not entitled to income support have wanted to work with animals for years and this course would get me for a few years into the sort of paid work i want to do, i hate him that just as i get something in my life ive always wanted he fucks it all up with his selfishness and his bloody aspergers is no ruddy excuse he knows right from wrong

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Thu 15-Sep-11 18:49:06

im 55 so babysitting or bar work is probably out No, it's not and don't sell yourself short - you've got years of life experience to offer employers in these particular fields and that gives you a head start over younger applicants.

SuePurblybilt Thu 15-Sep-11 18:50:46

I would still investigate student support at your college, they are paid to see you through this kind of thing.
And I'd prefer a 55yo babysitter to a young wan smile

issey6cats Thu 15-Sep-11 21:47:13

ty sue i am meeting my daughter in town tommorow will do the rounds of housing benefit, job center, agents for the house and see what happens

issey6cats Sun 18-Sep-11 20:34:41

just a small update, he couldnt find anywhere to go so he is now sleeping on the sofa with no illussions that our marriage is anything but over, he is looking at two houses for him to rent tommorow and will be moving out of here on the first of october when i take over the tenancy here,and once he is gone i will be able to tie together all the bits of what im entitled to etc, but despite what hes done i was too well brought up to descend to his level, i am being dignified, courteous and civilised even though i would like to strangle him,he had the cheek to ask if there was any chance of us staying together that was a big fat NO, couldnt even trust him to put the wheelie bin at the end of the garden on rubbish day, im not angry now, gutted, but cold and clinical, upset will probably come later

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