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disagree over having more children! what do you do??

(25 Posts)
mamaesi Wed 14-Sep-11 13:00:00

been together for 6 years now. Have a gorgeous daughter and am pregnant with number 2. I am so happy and so is my husband...

But he has declared this week that he is getting a vasectomy and wants no more children. I am devastated. I want three or at least the possibility of maybe having more at a later stage. I am only 31, so maybe later I might want more and I hate that he is taking that chance away for us....

he says he wont budge and I dont want to budge either. no one is willing to compromise and I am really not sure what to do.

anyone else been in this situation?

buzzskillington Wed 14-Sep-11 13:09:21

Well, on the bright side at least he's getting the snip, rather than saying 'no more kids' and expecting you to take the pill or whatever.

buzzskillington Wed 14-Sep-11 13:15:02

You might find after having your second you will actually feel your family is complete after all and it won't be an issue.

OTOH, if you still want more and he doesn't, then you have to decide whether it's a deal-breaker.

holyShmoley Wed 14-Sep-11 13:23:25

so true buzzkillington.
OP, my last birth was a planned section, and i booked a tubal ligation at my first appointment. The consultant did, but said 'obviously we wouldn't if they were premature, in case anything happened'. Your husband may not have thought of that eventuality and it might be worth mentioning it as a delay tactic.

The other way you might approach this is to ask him to give you time to think about whether it is a deal breaker for you. Whether you conceive with someone else or using donor sperm, you don't have to decide now. But your husband might like to know that you are considering things too.

At the end of the day you can't force him - no more than he can you. But you are ultimately master of your own destiny.

AurraSing Wed 14-Sep-11 13:32:02

My DH wanted a vasectomy when I was pregnant with our second. I didn't want him to, for all of the reason you have, and we agreed that he wouldn't have the op. Then I had a pregnancy scare when DS was about 6 months old and I knew I didn't want any more. DH has gone off having the op now. We are both are contrary. grin

Would he agree to put it off for a couple of years? There are other, less drastic methods of birth control out there.

farfallarocks Wed 14-Sep-11 13:39:47

At least ask him to wait until the baby is born, don;t want to sound morbid but a pregnancy does not necessarily mean a baby sad

Amateurish Wed 14-Sep-11 13:54:05

His body, his choice

LadyLapsang Wed 14-Sep-11 14:34:30

Yes, my husband had a vasectomy after our DS. I pleaded with him not to but he went ahead. Ultimately what Amateurish says is true. The problem is there is no solution if to have another child you have to break up the family you already have and take your children away from their father. Perhaps you could get him to freeze some sperm so if he changes his mind or your circumstances change you have a chance of more children together.However, if he says this I don't know whether the consultant would be keen to go ahead with the vasectomy.

Why doesn't he want more? Financial, quality of life, life too stressful etc.

mieowcat Wed 14-Sep-11 14:39:13

i am in almost exactly the same boat. we have 2 gorgeous kids, aged 2 and 3.5 - one of each sex. people say you have the 'perfect' family, and i know i am so lucky. BUT, i cant help that i really want one more baby, i have felt this way since my last was born and have never wavered even in the chaos and sleep deprivation!! Dh says no more, we cant divide ourselves to give 3 kids equal love etc, he feels 2 is hard enough. how do we move past this, cause i feel if he refuses, i will always resent him and blame him. i am 35 so i feel like next year is the right time as oldest will be at school etc. i cant stop thinking about it and its eating me up.

Tallboy Wed 14-Sep-11 15:05:15

I wanted 4 children and I've struggled to have even one. Ideally would like another but age/health etc etc would make it very difficult.

I look at dd with gratitude each day and enjoy every day (most of it anyway!).
you really don't know what is around the corner in life so accept what you have and enjoy. Live in the "now" not the I'll be happy when I have one more child.
Sorry if that sounds too much like a sermon but bad things happening to several friends has made me appreciate the things we do have.

Ernie01 Wed 14-Sep-11 16:20:28

Without wanting to be in the least bit morbid I would get your husband to think very seriously about the possibility that this pregnancy may not work out. My friend's husband had a vasectomy when she was pregnant and very shortly afterwards she lost the baby. It was a dreadful situation made worse by the knowledge that it would be extremely difficult for her to have any more. This is of course EXTREMELY unlikely to happen to you but it has to be considered. Good luck.

mamaesi Wed 14-Sep-11 17:53:12

I am sure I can ask to wait until this baby is healthy and ok.

But after that.... I am afraid it may be a deal breaker for me. I am so upset we actually didnt discuss this when getting married, but even for me, at that point I just knew I wanted kids...had no idea I would love them so much and love being pregnant and want a bigger family.

I just feel its so unfair. And the idea of breaking up over it and the trauma to the existing kids is horrible. But we both seem to feel so strongly over it it just kills me.

LadyLapsang Wed 14-Sep-11 18:32:00

Mamaesi, sometimes life is unfair. I've seen friends continue to number three only to have an abortion because the baby was so disabled it would have died shortly after birth; another friend finding Mr Right and then finding out they had left it too late to have children...As Tallboy said I think you have to live in the present and enjoy what you have. Anyway would it be right to force your husband to have a child he didn't want or to bring a child into the world that wasn't loved and wanted by both his / her parents? You could break up your marriage over this and find yourself a single mum of two forever. I would say take the pressure off for now and when the new baby is here arrange reliable contraception between you (not have an 'accidental baby') and get some counselling. However, it's his right to go ahead and have the vasectomy and there is nothing you can do if he has made his mind up.

ZZZenAgain Wed 14-Sep-11 18:43:27

deciding anything to do having further babies is difficult when you are pregnant. I think it might be harder than at other times. When you are looking forward to the birth of your child it is not maybe the best time to have to consider not having any more IYSWIM. I would ask him to wait till 6 months after the baby is born and for you to then have a chat about it. Are you sure he would not be willing to wait a bit before having the operation, does it really have to be now?

confidence Wed 14-Sep-11 21:40:44

Agree that it would make most sense for him to wait till after the baby is born.

Also, vasectomies can be reversed - but from what I understand, it's best if you know in advance that you might want it to be, and they perform the operation in a particular way with that in mind. Obviously it's not something you'd want to do all the time but you might be able to convince him that this would at least leave the possibility open should you both REALLY decide, after lengthy thought and discussion, further down the line, that you want another.

On the bright side (1) Having healthy, happy kids is an incredible blessing and privilege, and if you do end up with two you really have nothing to complain about, you know, and (2) vasectomies are great for your sex life - no more worrying about any kind of contraception, just do it when you want to the way nature intended (well, sort of).

FabbyChic Wed 14-Sep-11 22:10:01

So you would rather leave a happy marriage, so you can go and make babies elsewhere? How do you even know you would meet someone who would take you on with two children already? It's not like you get the pick of the bunch when you come with baggage.

You really need to think this through, surely a happy home life with someone you love with two beautiful children is not worth leaving because you want another child which there is no guarantee you will ever have if you split up anyways.

Zoonose Wed 14-Sep-11 22:25:04

I think it is one of those awful situations where there can only be one loser - the one who wants more children. There is no compromise. I am in a similar position to you, I have a DS and DD, and when DD got to age one I decided I really did want one more, and that I wanted to do it sooner rather than later so they were close in age, and I would get all the physical hardship of pregnancy/breastfeeding out of the way - and also before I get much older. We had a pregnancy 'scare' and DH was so worried about it that he told me he had lain awake thinking how if I wasn't pregnant he would have a vasectomy so he wouldn't have to worry about it happening again. His reasons are similar to most other people's - wanting to bring two children up well, not being able to split his limited time between three and give them all the attention they deserve, finances etc especially as they get older. But he saw how much I really did want a third, and although that fact did not change his mind, he has said to me that he is not saying 'never' (although he cannot see that he would change his mind) and he is not going to have a vasectomy. So he has not made it a completely closed door, and that in itself has enabled me to be more rational about it. I think if he had insisted on a vasectomy I would still be desperate for a third, and deeply upset. In my own mind, I have decided I will re-think again when DD is two (she is 17 months now), and that has given me time to think about it all and at the moment I am sort of on the side of NOT having another. I think it is not really fair for your DH to make it an impossibility. Feelings, thoughts and minds do change, and that could go for both of you.

LemonDifficult Wed 14-Sep-11 22:31:06

I wept and wept when during my second pregnancy I was told by the doctors that I couldn't have another child. I wanted at least three, probably four - I was also 31. However, after DS2 was born the doctors said, no, all was fine and I could try again if I wanted to. However, I've found that I like having just two and we'll almost certainly stick at that.

I think what I'm saying is this: that you or your DH could easily change your mind in the future. If it was me I wouldn't push it or discuss it with him at all so I didn't get him to reinforce his own views to himself. Give him lots of space and when you come back to this subject in a while then maybe he won't be so hard line.

Def get the vasectomy delayed by asking him to wait tosee the baby is born safely though.

Zoonose Wed 14-Sep-11 22:36:25

Yes to what LemonDifficult said about DH reinforcing his views! - I knew that when we discussed our 'third child disagreement' that it would mean a session of DH rehearsing all the arguments he had for why he didn't want a third and persuading himself he even more definitely didn't want one! And that is exactly what happened. I have purposely avoided talking to him about it since then - but as I said, he is not having a vasectomy.

wannaBe Wed 14-Sep-11 23:04:09

I think that if he wants a vasectomy then that makes a very clear statement, and IMO you have to admire him for that at least. Lots of men would be happy to say they don't want any more children but wouldn't be prepared to be the ones to go through with being the ones to facilitate that, iyswim.

You say you wish you'd talked about it before you'd got married, but tbh there are no guarantees with children, and you can't possibly know for certain how it will be until you've actually had them, so you could agree pre marriage on four children and end up only wanting one, or vice versa, it's simply not something you can agree on before the event.

In terms of this being a dealbreaker, I'm afraid to say that this isn't just about you any more, you have other children to consider as well. And there are no guarantees. What you have to ask yourself is whether being a single parent of two children is preferable to being married with two children, because if you split there's no knowing that A, you would meet someone else, and B, that you'd even be able to conceive again. Imagine splitting up your family only to discover that you were unable to conceive another child, or that your knight in shining armour had a low sperm count and you couldn't have a child with him either.

If you were posting that you were the one not wanting any more your dh would be slated on here. There would absolutely not be any suggestion that you should wait in case he was able to change your mind.

So I think the same applies here. If he doesn't want any more children, to the extent he is prepared to take permanent steps to avoid that, then I think you need to respect that. If you want to break up your children's family to pursue your own desire for a baby then that is your choice, but you need to do so with your eyes wide open to the fact that you may not be able to have another baby anyway, and that your existing children will resent you for it when they get older.

MorrisZapp Thu 15-Sep-11 13:02:26

Totally agree with wannabe.

The person who doesn't want more kids must win, it's the only way.

Women aren't expected to go against their wants and instincts when it comes to having a family, and neither should men.

highlandcoo Thu 15-Sep-11 19:47:44

You are quite young .. neither of you has to do anything irrevocable just yet, do you?

I don't think you should pressurise for his agreement about another baby; I don't think he should rush to have a vasectomy either. I would be very careful about contraception after the next one and see where you are a year or two later.

I think you need to reassure your husband that there would only be a third child in the future if he changes his mind and wants one. Is he the main breadwinner? I hadn't realised how much that weighed on my own husband as a young man. I wanted a fourth and he couldn't face the added responsibility. We held off making a decision and one day, when our third child was two, I suddenly realised I was happy with the family we had and agreed to him having a vasectomy. Having said he really wanted one, he then felt a little daunted about the actual procedure .. but went ahead and it was a great decision and right for us.. and partly because we took our time to get to a point where we were both in agreement; I think that's really important

plumtart Thu 15-Sep-11 21:11:38

leave him alone about wanting another baby = there is plenty of time and pressure will just entrench his views

what you need to do is try to find a way to put him off a vasectomy right now. think carefully as you my only get one go at persuading him!

how about something like : it is a bolt out of the blue, you are pg and hormonal, you accept that he doesnt want any more but that you arent ready for vasectomy yet, would he give you some time to get used to idea if you have an implant as soon as baby is born?

wannaBe Sat 17-Sep-11 22:04:22

"you arent ready for
vasectomy yet," but it's not the op who is having/needs to be ready for the vasectomy - it's her dh. His body, his choice. As I said earlier up, if someone posted a thread saying that they didn't want any more children, had booked themselves in for sterilisation, but their dh was resistent, everyone would be telling her that it was her body, her choice and that her dh would just have to get used to the idea. This is no different.

Because let's be honest here - the idea of talking him into waiting to go through with it is all about suttle pressure to change his mind.

mamaesi Wed 21-Sep-11 12:31:34

I actually disagree on the 'his body his choice'. Ultimately yes, I cannot force him, but when you are married and already have a family together, I feel these decisions should be made together. In the same way that I would never have an abortion or get sterilised without discussing it thoroughly and considering his feelings and wishes...even though it 'is my body'

And I also dont think this discussion is about the male/female aspect because I actually do know two women who have been pushed into having children they didnt really want, so it does in fact happen the other way.

None of that really matters. I will not break up my family over this, but I resent that he will not even consider my point of view and I feel that there are many other reliable methods of birth control that would suit us until we are both comfortable with such a drastic decision. I agree that I will back off for now and approach it later. I just pray that he will agree to wait until later. wish me luck.

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