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how do i get over cheating

(50 Posts)
emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 12:34:56

i found out my patener had cheated on me when i was pregnent with my youngest and now i am pregnent again with my 4th. I found out he fathered a baby with this women and he says he dose not want to see it but i am very worried that he is just saying what he wants me to hear. We are still together as i do love him and so badly want to forget it but how can i knowing that this child is always out there as we do have to pay csa for it to anyone got any ideas as i am makeing my self ill beeing sick in the morning and i am sniping at my patener and i do feel very hurt but do i just forget about it and start fresh and deal with life as and when it comes round for my own mind.

tooshorttonotice Wed 14-Sep-11 12:45:58

It must be quite a gap between then and now if you are now on your 4th . Has DP been faithful in between do you think. If yes then maybe you cant forget but you could try to forgive him. Of course if think there is more then you will have to face it

buzzskillington Wed 14-Sep-11 12:49:41

What is your partner doing to prove himself trustworthy?

I don't think just forgetting about it is an option, and I think it's awful that he intends to reject his child - not only is he a terrible partner, but that makes him a bad dad as well.

Have you been checked out for STIs?

If you intend to stay with him, you might want to consider counselling together and individually. I'm sorry he's done this to you.

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:03:04

he is sorry for what he has done i said not to see the child which my make me a bad person but i was upset and hurt. it happend last aurgust and i got pregnent with my 4th very quickly maybe the wrong thing to do i just want to have it out of my head and what to go back to what we had before it all happend and on the other hand i got this women butting in she is like tracy barlow and not a nice person twisting the story to suit her. If we have to have the child in our lives then i gess it has to be and i will have to deal with it

moondog Wed 14-Sep-11 13:04:15

Why on earth do you take this idiot back? hmm

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:10:31

i admit he is a idiot for what he has done but he is not a bad person he loves me and my kids he made a very bad disision. He has never hit me or controlled me unlike my past patner before him. i dont know what happend it was like he changed person and i did not know who i was with at that time. He only slept with her once but was chatting to her for a while not sure how long it was.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 14-Sep-11 13:14:05

You sound very young. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this idiot? And yes, you were wrong to say he can't see his child. The child has a right to a father.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 14-Sep-11 13:15:14

How long ago did you find out your dp had cheated on you?

Why did he cheat on you?

How long was he in a relationship with the other woman?

Why does he not want to see the child that he fathered with her?

Is he staying with you because if he leaves he'll have to pay the CSA for 4 children rather the one he's currently paying for?

Before you can move forward you need honest answers from him and, if he truly loves you and wants to be with you, he'll do everything in his power to show remorse for the hurt he's caused and reassure you that it won't happen again.

You also need to face the fact that you'll never 'forget' that he's cheated on you, and you need to work out whether you can find it in your heart to forgive him.

BTW, the child your dp has fathered with the other woman is as real as your own and deserves to know his/her father and have a relationship with him. Personally, I wouldn't put any trust or have any confidence in a man who is prepared to turn his back on his own child.

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:20:25

i know i was i am. i am 26 and we have been together 5 years we do have a good relationship other than that. we get on we have a laugh. we never used to talk at that time and got very little time together as he was on nights and when he got up i went to bed there was no chance for any thing

buzzskillington Wed 14-Sep-11 13:23:05

Jeez, an arsehole who cheats on you may be an improvement on one that beats you, but it's still not good enough. You deserve someone you can trust.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Wed 14-Sep-11 13:23:39

Funny how the other women always twist things to suit themselves.

"He only slept with her once" Has she twisted that too?

TheOriginalFAB Wed 14-Sep-11 13:25:20

What do you want out of life and is he it?

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:27:23

izzy i told him not to see it and i am not right for saying it i know it was a very big shouting mach also she is the local bike and was seeing others to so we are not sure if deffo it is his i am not so inocent on what i have said and not proud of it i was very upset i have known for since last christmas about it. HE slept with her once but chatted for at least a month. csa is no option i have all the money any way that comes into the house and he would support his kids regardless

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:30:29

izzy again she told me that she was seeing him for months on end and i know this is not true due to wage slips and wages in the bank when she was sayin he was there he was at work and i have the proof. she wants him and she will go to any lenghts to get it even if its brakeing the law to do so

pink4ever Wed 14-Sep-11 13:31:47

Why the hell are you having your 4th dc at the age of 26-dont you want more from your life? Whatever the ins and outs-no pun intended-of the story-your dh owes it to the child to be in their life. If he is unsure of paternity then get a dna test done.
Please dont try and blame it all on the other woman-your dh didnt fall over on to her vagina did he?

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:34:46

the i do realy want things to work we have been together 5 years got 4 kids and known each other for years and years its not like i did not know ever thing there was to be knowen about him when we got together.

he was shatted when he told me and i did kick him out he has never done it before and dont think he would ever do it again it was one hell on a bad dissision on hiis half.

Catslikehats Wed 14-Sep-11 13:34:59

Right so lets get this straight: He is paying CSA but you are not sure it is definitely his?

Lets be honest if he is paying it is his and the reason he knows it is his because he knows damn well he slept with her more than once.

This man is not good enough for you.

He cheats, he lies and he abandons a child. That makes him a twat of teh highest order.

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:36:05

i know pink its both sides i know

shesgotherlipstickon Wed 14-Sep-11 13:37:11

26, 4 kids and in a 5 year relationship shock do you come up for air? Seriously it's a big old mess isn't it.

I would have suggested birth control, until you got your life sorted. Having child after child, won't fix things as you are finding out.

You have no right, to say, demand or expect that child to go without a father. They have every right to see your partner. The fact that your partner is willing to go along with it. Shows he is a waste of space. A man worth his salt, would, see his child regardless, he wouldn't just stop because the oh says so.

Now I know that puts you in an awkward position, but if you want to work it out, you have to grow up and realise there is a child involved. If you can't iw own't work. You will always feel this resentment. But any man who denies his child a father, because is OH says so, is a waste of space anyway.

shesgotherlipstickon Wed 14-Sep-11 13:37:46

*it won't

farfallarocks Wed 14-Sep-11 13:37:59

Its quite easy to make the OW the symbol of hatred in all this, 'local bike', 'tracey barlow' but its your partner you should be cross with, not her.
I feel sorry for all the DCs.

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:40:06

i am angry with both it took both

shesgotherlipstickon Wed 14-Sep-11 13:41:14

Yes but you are immature. You are angry with the child, you are taking it out on the child. Trying to deny it it's father. You cannot take it out on an innocent child.

farfallarocks Wed 14-Sep-11 13:42:11

She owes you nothing, he owes you everything, he is the one that broke your trust

emmaplus3 Wed 14-Sep-11 13:45:21

i know i was now i have calmed down and come to terms with it happend i have to see things in a new light i have to be the big one and accept things it happend and i cant change it.

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