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I have tried, really I have(27 Posts)
Ok so DP and I almost split up a few months ago, I mean we were at the point where we weren't talking and hated being in the same room together.
We decided to give things a try and work things out, we started going to relate.
So here we are seemingly back to square one.
He is constantly going on about money, "oh you spent this, i only spent that". What he fails to realise is the money I spend is on the home, shopping or children, I spend £10 a week on a night out. He spends £120 on 2 days out.
Another thing that gripes me is if I go out (which I have cut down to once a week as opposed to the 2-3times i was going out) he has to go out. So for example if I go out on a Friday evening from 9-12 he has to go out on a Sunday from 6am -6pm to recover from looking after the DC who are 13 and 4(on Sunday).
He admitted today he finds being a parent hard work and hard to cope with. To me thats what I am - a parent to 2 wonderful children.
He stood here the other day and told me DS1 was making it up about having aspergers, that he had managed to outwit the dr's he saw. I told him he needed to keep his opinions to himself as it was unhelpful to DS1 accepting his diagnosis - his reply was "DS1's problems are down to you so you are looking for reasons". TBH at this point I just shut off from him and let him carry on ranting as I knew he was spouting crap.
In the last week I have had 5 letters come to my address from debt collectors for debts I didn't know he had. One for £4000+ with goldfish. Today I tried to talk to him about his money issues and said I am not happy about letters coming my home address for him if they are going to be of this nature as we were not living together until recently, and while I didnt have a problem with him using my address as a c/o address previously I am not having debt collectors take from my home items which are not his so he needs to contact all the companies, sort out a payment plan and sort himself out or he needs to move out until he has done as I am not risking my childrens home because of him.
I wish I hadn't said a word as it resulted in a torrent of abuse ending in him telling me again that he was going to move away from london and see the DC when he can fit them in between work and fishing.
Sunday is another issue as it is DS2's 4th birthday and I have made plans for us togo out as a family ending in a pub lunch. He tells me today that h won't be here as he has booked into a match at fishing, I looked at him and said its DS2's birthday don't you think you should be with him? his answer was "He'll have other birthdays"
Also tomorrow DS2 starts nursery and I thought he would be there to take him even if not stay with him, alongside me, but no he needs to go out and buy the things he needs to fish on Thursday in yet another match.
I am all for us both having our hobbies but while he has so much debt - which I previously set up payment plans for and he didn't stick to them, I think he needs to knock his on the head and pay the £120 a week to at least one of the companies.
Anyway he has gone to bed with my finals words being "You have a choice sort yourself out or you need to move out I cannot risk my childrens home because you won't grow up"
I have really tried, I have stopped going out so much and have spent more time trying to be a family, the more I try the less he tries. He expects to live with me and the DC and contribute as little as possible in any way.
One of the things we agreed at relate was that he would come to the appts about DS1. I have had 5 over the holidays and he hasn't been to one, I had one yesterday and he wouldn't come.
I sadly think its time to call it quits, because this is getting me down. Yes I screwed up in the past but I have put 150% into getting things on track and he doesn't reciprocate.
Yup, you tried. More than he deserved (eg. by setting up payment plans for him -- his responsibility, really).
He is a grade A twat. You know he is:
- letting his children down over and over
- hiding debts, and attributing them to your address
- getting verbally abusive
- criticising your parenting
- criticising your spending when he is the debt-meister
Time to get some legal advice regarding his debts being attributed to your address. Use your next Relate session to discuss the split if you want (Relate will also help couples split and provide a safe forum for discussion about it).
Sounds like you really really really have tried. Are there any clues in his behaviour into your son's AS? There's alleged to be a genetic link. If so, you're most likely fighting a losing battle unless he realises and seeks professional support...
My sympathies to you for being with such an immature & selfish man!!! You have 100% no question tried to mend this relationship & you must be so tired of having to be the backbone of your family. I can detect that maybe he is a little jealous of your relationship with your children, maybe because he simply is'nt capable of that kind of love. He needs to realise that a hobby is an activity for your spare time if you have any, a child's birthday must come first, bringing up children is all about creating memories on such days. How horrible of him to put himself before his child, but commonly that is the difference between men & women, a mum would not do such a thing!!!
Whatever you decide to do, protect yourself & your home at all costs as it sadly sounds that he will never provide the security children need. I wish you much luck & happiness for the future.
You really have done all you can. I would also suggest you use Relate to help you with the split.
You have made all the effort, but your relationship and family, will obviously never be number one on his list of priorities, as he has made that abundantly clear by his behaviour.
Do seek (legal) advice about the business of his debts and him using your address, the CAB, I would think should be able to help.
Wave him goodbye, wishing him well for his future with his fishing rod!
On the plus side, it sounds as if you're already used to coping as a single parent.
He's a loser and a cocklodger. What a nasty man! You've had the patience of a saint. He should be humble and contrite and grovelling - begging your forgiveness - not blaming you and kicking off.
Oooh, I'm proper fuming on your behalf. Dump him today!
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I have no problem with coping as a single parent tbh, I was a SP to DS1 for 7yrs so am more experienced as being one than I am being part of a parenting couple.
I have got up this morning thinking maybe I over reacted due to a lack of sleep but no I haven't. Within minutes of me transferring money from one account to my savings account to put money away for the end of the month for bills, and paying some bills which I pay weekly, he was on the phone to a friend sorting out fishing for this week Thursday and Friday. Ok so I got what I wanted re: DS2's birthday. I just asked him why he cannot go just once and instantly he got tetchy.
I have now got to get myself sorted and deal with things from my side. I will ensure all my bills are paid, and I will be making arrangements for him to view places even if it means I have to lie about going out with him to get him to them. Left to him it won't get done.
Reality, you are right he is one drama i can live without, I need some sense of calm here for the children and for me. When he is not around we are all so much calmer and in much better moods.
Purple He is not DS1's biological father so no connection there, although his father carries many of the traits so I can quite believe it is genetical.
"He'll have other birthdays" He really said that?? How awful.
What a selfish man.
BBSB Sadly yes he said that, you wouldn't believe this is a 49yr old man I am talking about. Who also has 2 other children.
Lady I think you can walk away from this with a totally clear conscience. You have done all you can - now go for your own sake and that of your children.
Pak I will be helping him find somewhere asap. I have calmly repeated to him that he needs to pull himself together and find somewhere else as things are not working out.
I have a new found determination since he has turned away from even accompanying DS2 to his first day of nursery.
Arent you the poster whose dp said they hoped they got raped? If so then why the hell is he still there?-last I heard you were binning him off because you had met someone else no?
Stop encouraging all the drama-he is not going to change and you both are screwing with your kids lives. Get rid-dont bother telling him to find some where else just tell him to sling his hook-he is a grown man ffs.
Pink, yes and we have been attending relate sorting things out or so I thought.
Anyway I am off to get DS2 ready for his first day in Nursery.
Dear lord, just kick him out. Who cares where he stays or about viewing properties, I'd rather have a man like this sleeping on a park bench than near my children. Tell him enough's enough, and if he only wants to see the kids to fit around his hobbies, well they're probably better off not seeing him anyway if that's the kind of shite he comes out with. Why is he still there? I've read so many threads about this man, he's a total waste of energy and space.
Also , last I heard was you had some other fella and wanted to be with him?
It's a quick turnaround, cos when the recent riots were going on your dp wasn't living with you, and now he is.
TLES, if somebody else posted that what would you think?
Just boot him out, (assuming he moved in with you and where you live is in your name). Where he lives is not your problem (apart from when it's with you!) While he's out fishing, gather up his stuff and change the locks. He can always stop on some fishing friend's sofa.
Sorry have just got in,DS2 started nursery today and then we went out.
I will be back to post and reply to everyone later.
Do you ever wonder if he might have Aspergers too? It seems he can only see things from his own perspective.
Janajos I have wondered it but as I said he is not DS1's father so there would be no connection there.
Just because there's no genetic link between dx'd DS1 and your current DP doesn't mean you've got yourself a little pattern going on in the men you're attracted to?
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