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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just a calming voice would be nice...

(43 Posts)
atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 00:15:56

My husband has just gone mental and blamed me for stuff that is in his imagination. And BREATHE.

HerHissyness Wed 14-Sep-11 00:22:24

Are you safe? I take it that he makes a habit of this?

do you have somewhere you could go to get away from his ranting?

Don't engage with him.

Proudnscary Wed 14-Sep-11 00:26:19

Glad you posted on here for support. Hope you are ok, can you call someone or go somewhere in real life?

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 00:34:10

Just keeping calm. He truly believes what he is talking about and gets very abusive. Just enjoy your comments and banter before I <*****his head>.

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 00:35:04

backpedal, backpedal

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 00:40:38

For the first time in years I have slit my arms. I said that every time he said an (accusatory) word, I would cut my arm. I'm gutted I did 3 times before I thought "ER, who's the twat here?"

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 00:42:00

OK, I've come across as silly here. Time to sleep and sort it out tomorrow

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 14-Sep-11 06:31:09

You harming yourself when he says things you don't like is not healthy (but you know that). It's a form of emotional blackmail. Is that what you want to do?

Can you identify why you didn't just walk away instead of cutting yourself? Is it that his words were in fact a little too close to home? Is it that you wanted to make him stop? (not possible to make another person do anything: the only person you can act on is yourself, eg. by walking away).

Regardless of the above, you need help. Please speak to your GP and ask to be referred for counseling. You sound like you have a lot of emotions to untangle that a professional can help you with.

HairyGrotter Wed 14-Sep-11 07:09:38

Excellent post by ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow, please heed her advice. Get yourself to your GP.

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 10:06:08

I don't use it as emotional blackmail. I haven't done it for years but I was at the end of my rope. Feeling better today and have sent him an email (!) explaining calmly how I feel about what he was saying.

I was blamed for everything, he might as well have included the global debt and London riots. His words were so far away from home they were in some far off black hole.

garlicbutty Wed 14-Sep-11 11:21:39

You seemed so out of it last night, I thought it best to wait and see what you wrote today, OP smile

Is this: He truly believes what he is talking about and gets very abusive something that's happened more than once, then?

I'm very sad that he upset you badly, you cut yourself. When somebody's words hurt, creating more pain doesn't really help - as you know. You're worth better than that at any time.

What stopped you walking away? And is it a good idea to explain how you felt? What happens next?

Thinking of you and hope you're okay.

cecilyparsley Wed 14-Sep-11 11:47:11

I'm not sure what to say to the OP except that I dont believe that self harming is necessarily as simple as emotional blackmail, it can be a way of getting some control in your life or releasing tension.
Of course it would be better Atosilis if you can find some other way of dealing with things, your other half sounds very difficult

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 13:04:45

Thanks. I can cope with it as a rule but sometimes GAAAA! Think I might stay at my parents' tonight for a calm evening.

garlicbutty Wed 14-Sep-11 13:12:41

Good idea smile

You shouldn't be having to 'cope' with abuse, you know ... Post more, if you feel like talking.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 14-Sep-11 13:18:03

Following on from what parsley said: OP, can you identify whether you cut yourself in order to demonstrate something to your husband, or was it more an internal thing, to resolve something within yourself?

garlicbutty Wed 14-Sep-11 13:29:00

Puppy, Atosilis said she used to self-harm years ago. I am sure it's got nothing to do with proving points to other people.

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 13:35:34

It's not proving a point, I hate it when I do it. I just got so, so frustrated. I did a bit of asking around and have been recommended a counsellor. I did the research for my husband but I think I'll book an appointment for me! :-)

garlicbutty Wed 14-Sep-11 13:37:58

Sounds like a bloody good move! Go for it smile

How does he get you that frustrated, then, or would you rather not talk about it?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 14-Sep-11 13:38:13

Good for you, OP!
Both booking the counselor, and esp doing it for you!

cecilyparsley Wed 14-Sep-11 13:44:29

Atosillis, it kinda sounds as if you feel under an intolerable amount of pressure/frustration and cutting is a sort of gut reaction to release pressure?

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 14:00:30

Yes cecily, that's it.

garlicbutty, try talking to someone who is very upset and angry about something that isn't real but you are to blame for it. His memory plays tricks.

Hmm, one recently was him flatly denying that my parents gave us a lot of money several years ago and he promptly bought a new car. Fine. He genuinely can't remember this and is furious that I suggested he took money from my father. "How dare you, I've always paid my own way. I've always paid for you blah blah blah". So he's upset at me for suggesting it and arguing that it DID happen. Unfortunately it was so long ago I have no financial stuff left to prove it and because I can't prove it, I'm making it up to upset him. He can remember the car but insists he paid for it.

Another one was me begging him to come to a party with me and he didn't want to come. I went anyway and this turned, weeks later, into me not letting him come and wanting to meet other men. He truly believed that I had not wanted him to come. He was genuinely upset during that argument.

cecilyparsley Wed 14-Sep-11 14:10:07

Atosillis, he sounds as if he's enough to send anyone round the twist!!
swearing that black is white like that is just a total 'headfuck'
As said previously in the thread it may be best not to engage with him?
Do you think things can improve?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 14-Sep-11 14:12:14

Oh, I'm sure garlic has plenty of experience being the butt of abusive rages from someone intent on blaming! [sad smile] As do I and too many others on the Relationships thread.

Seriously, I am very pleased that you are going to see a counselor. It is the best form of release, and untangles a great deal.

We met yet see each other on various support threads on MN, depending on what your counseling sessions help you discover.

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 14:14:12

They are going to have to. I can't remember the full saying but something about, if you can't change a situation, learn to find ways of dealing with it.

atosilis Wed 14-Sep-11 14:15:13

I'm just off to go out of the office and ring the counsellor!

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