He said the cruellest thing he possibly could have

[PrettyDevastated]

Hi. Name changed as this is pretty personal, and as my new name suggests, I am pretty devastated.

Bit if background: I've had problems reaching orgasm for the past 8 months due to stress, anxiety and hormone problems. My OH is fully aware of my problem and how hard I'm finding it, how utterly frustrated I am and how I feel less of a woman.

I know it's been hard for him too, has made him insecure and bruised his ego a bit. But recently things have been improving a bit as I've been relaxing more and I finally felt a bit more normal. Anyway..

Last month we had sex and he was really trying to get me there, via foreplay, but after an hour I told him to stop as it wasn't happening. He lay down, looked at me and said,

"out of all the women I've slept with, none have taken as long to come as you"

I'm utterly devastated. I ran into the bathroom and was sobbing like I haven't sobbed in years, I was pretty inconsolable for about half an hour. He came straight in and looked completely puzzled with me being so upset, so I explained that I had opened up about my problem, which was very difficult for me. I've finally felt like things are improving and then he says that to me?!

Now, I moved on from this. I'm still hurt though and it's left lasting damage because when we now make love, all I can hear is him saying this. I haven't orgasmed since and I know it's because he said that and I'm worried I'm taking too long so it never happens.

Sorry for the essay. Any advice on how I move on from this?

[GrendelsMum]

He seems a little naive / limited in imagination about the importance of the non-physical aspects of sex. He seems to have a vision that if he just rubs the right place long enough, boom! and no attention to the emotional or mental aspects of sexuality. Has he been reading too much Mills and Boon?

I suspect they were faking it too - didn't you get bored after the first 30 mins?

[HorseHairKnickers]

IMO, it's a lucky woman that can orgasm with ease. I can't. Never have. Your Dh is an insensitive arse and I agree, most if not all his ex's have faked it.

[TheOriginalFAB]

How do you want to move on from this?

He clearly doesn't realise that all women are different and sees you not orgasm as your fault.

He is a prick.

And you need to find yourself a real man with emotional talents as well as physical ones.

[TheOriginalFAB]

orgasming not orgasm.

[PrettyDevastated]

They probably were faking because I had to train him in the beginning of our relationship because there was no foreplay or build up at all.

I wasn't bored grendels I was enjoying it but knew it wasn't going to happen and could see how desperate he was for me to finish which added more pressure so I stopped him

[carlywurly]

I opened this bracing myself to read something really foul. Instead, I've read this as being a highly insensitive comment, rather than a deliberately cruel one, which was probably said in the heat of the moment.

I understand that you're upset, but not quite why so much of your self esteem is bound up with whether you come or not. It has absolutely no bearing on how much of a woman you are, and just seems disproportionate.

Are you getting help with your stress and anxiety? I wonder if some counselling might help you work through all of this.

[PrettyDevastated]

Just to add I've never faked it

[PrettyDevastated]

It was the way he said it Carly it was so matter of fact. Plus he's the only one I've confided in about this, and how hard it's been for me so it did seem very cruel at the time. But you're right highly insensitive.

He did apologise and say he was feeling insecure and that thought it was because of him.

Maybe I will look into counselling. I had CBT for my anxiety before and it helped.

[SpideySenseTingling]

I must be naive, I consider your lack of orgasm, if a failing at all, to be a failing on his part, not yours.

[PrettyDevastated]

Comparing me to all his previous sexual partners really hasn't helped my self esteem

[takingbackmonday]

I can see why it would have hurt as it's a sensitive issue to you but I think it was insensitive and a product of his insecurity/frustration than something designed to hurt you.

From his perspective, when DP and I first got together he took a long time now and then, sometimes it didnt happen at all, and I entirely blamed myself and stopped sleeping with him for a bit. It can feel like personal failure as pathetic as that is but he should be more understanding.

[PrettyDevastated]

How can I forgot what he said and remove this mental block?

[carlywurly]

I think he's jumping into defensive mode tbh. He probably feels he's doing something wrong and in a very clumsy, was trying to let you know that he's not always been inept in bed (not that he is, necessarily, just that's how he might have been feeling!)

[smartyparts]

I agree with others - he was being unintentionally tactless rather than cruel.

After an hour of trying he was probably as frustrated as you!

[PrettyDevastated]

Cheers smartypants, and it was half an hour.

[Desiderata]

I agree with Smarty. Sex should be spontaneous.

Try to reverse the roles, and think about how you would feel if he couldn't get an erection, and ran into the toilets crying, whilst demanding a conversation.

You're over-thinking things. Try masturbating for a while, and see if you can get your mojo back that way.

[Cheria]

Cruel probably not. Tactless yes. Typical bloke.

[moondog]

You said an hour.
Hats off to the man for effort (tactless comment aside)

[mumblechum1]

Even half an hour would get a bit boring imo

[PrettyDevastated]

I know he didn't mean what he said and I have forgiven him. I know he said it because he was feeling insecure. I just cannot stop thinking about it whilst we're in the middle of it now.

We do have a healthy sex life which I enjoy, I love him and am attracted to him.

[PrettyDevastated]

Sorry meant to say half an hour. I don't think that is long for foreplay I.e kissing, touching, stroking, oral etc

[NeedaCostume]

I wonder why it is so important to you to reach orgasm? OK, it feels good, but it isn't the be all and end all to enjoying sex. Or, indeed to enjoying life.

As a woman, I think it is very hard to feel turned on, let alone orgasm, if you are unhappy. A woman's sex organ is the brain. Tell him that unless he turns you on mentally, he won't succeed physically. And get some counselling, because you do sound unhappy.

[perfectstorm]

I know it was hurtful and it was really cruel, but tbh it sounds defensive. He sounds like he feels a failure, so his immediate reaction is, "well all the OTHER women I've slept with were happy!"

For the record, I came twice over a decade, with 8 blokes. DH was early 20s (I'm 5 years older), not very experienced and not, in theory, that amazing. But I liked him, I trusted him and he was my friend. And he was able to get me to come, and has ever since. Because I felt happy and appreciated. It isn't all about what the man does - it's how he makes you feel. And after a comment like that, it's going to be bloody hard to come, isn't it? I also note that you talk about him being impatient for you to come. That's a weird attitude to sex, too. I mean, it isn't really only about having the orgasm, or I don't think it should be. I like sex that goes on for a long time sometimes because it can be close and committed and when you've small kids, it's nice to feel that connected to DH when so much of our lives is about domestic trivia. If he wants you to come more easily then maybe the answer is to take you out for meals, and compliment you sincerely, and make you laugh, and share a nice bottle of wine and a movie. Not to whine that you aren't coming fast enough for his liking.

I slept with DH about three times in the first year after having a baby, incidentally. He never, ever pushed it, because in his mind sex is about more than the mechanics. I asked him, later, how he coped, and he just laughed and said, "I wanked a lot." If sex is all about orgasm inside a marriage then your DH is seriously missing the point. And a comment like that rather reinforces the suspicion. It's meant to be a way of communicating intimacy and closeness and affection and mutuality, surely?