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He said the cruellest thing he possibly could have

(32 Posts)
PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:03:46

Hi. Name changed as this is pretty personal, and as my new name suggests, I am pretty devastated.

Bit if background: I've had problems reaching orgasm for the past 8 months due to stress, anxiety and hormone problems. My OH is fully aware of my problem and how hard I'm finding it, how utterly frustrated I am and how I feel less of a woman.

I know it's been hard for him too, has made him insecure and bruised his ego a bit. But recently things have been improving a bit as I've been relaxing more and I finally felt a bit more normal. Anyway..

Last month we had sex and he was really trying to get me there, via foreplay, but after an hour I told him to stop as it wasn't happening. He lay down, looked at me and said,

"out of all the women I've slept with, none have taken as long to come as you"

I'm utterly devastated. I ran into the bathroom and was sobbing like I haven't sobbed in years, I was pretty inconsolable for about half an hour. He came straight in and looked completely puzzled with me being so upset, so I explained that I had opened up about my problem, which was very difficult for me. I've finally felt like things are improving and then he says that to me?!

Now, I moved on from this. I'm still hurt though and it's left lasting damage because when we now make love, all I can hear is him saying this. I haven't orgasmed since and I know it's because he said that and I'm worried I'm taking too long so it never happens.

Sorry for the essay. Any advice on how I move on from this?

UsingMainlySpoons Tue 13-Sep-11 20:05:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrendelsMum Tue 13-Sep-11 20:12:07

He seems a little naive / limited in imagination about the importance of the non-physical aspects of sex. He seems to have a vision that if he just rubs the right place long enough, boom! and no attention to the emotional or mental aspects of sexuality. Has he been reading too much Mills and Boon?

I suspect they were faking it too - didn't you get bored after the first 30 mins?

HorseHairKnickers Tue 13-Sep-11 20:14:42

IMO, it's a lucky woman that can orgasm with ease. I can't. Never have. Your Dh is an insensitive arse and I agree, most if not all his ex's have faked it.

TheOriginalFAB Tue 13-Sep-11 20:15:18

How do you want to move on from this?

He clearly doesn't realise that all women are different and sees you not orgasm as your fault.

He is a prick.

And you need to find yourself a real man with emotional talents as well as physical ones.

TheOriginalFAB Tue 13-Sep-11 20:15:45

orgasming not orgasm.

PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:17:10

They probably were faking because I had to train him in the beginning of our relationship because there was no foreplay or build up at all.

I wasn't bored grendels I was enjoying it but knew it wasn't going to happen and could see how desperate he was for me to finish which added more pressure so I stopped him

carlywurly Tue 13-Sep-11 20:18:01

I opened this bracing myself to read something really foul. Instead, I've read this as being a highly insensitive comment, rather than a deliberately cruel one, which was probably said in the heat of the moment.

I understand that you're upset, but not quite why so much of your self esteem is bound up with whether you come or not. It has absolutely no bearing on how much of a woman you are, and just seems disproportionate.

Are you getting help with your stress and anxiety? I wonder if some counselling might help you work through all of this.

PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:18:18

Just to add I've never faked it

BluddyMoFo Tue 13-Sep-11 20:19:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:21:30

It was the way he said it Carly it was so matter of fact. Plus he's the only one I've confided in about this, and how hard it's been for me so it did seem very cruel at the time. But you're right highly insensitive.

He did apologise and say he was feeling insecure and that thought it was because of him.

Maybe I will look into counselling. I had CBT for my anxiety before and it helped.

SpideySenseTingling Tue 13-Sep-11 20:23:06

I must be naive, I consider your lack of orgasm, if a failing at all, to be a failing on his part, not yours.

PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:23:08

Comparing me to all his previous sexual partners really hasn't helped my self esteem

takingbackmonday Tue 13-Sep-11 20:25:26

I can see why it would have hurt as it's a sensitive issue to you but I think it was insensitive and a product of his insecurity/frustration than something designed to hurt you.

From his perspective, when DP and I first got together he took a long time now and then, sometimes it didnt happen at all, and I entirely blamed myself and stopped sleeping with him for a bit. It can feel like personal failure as pathetic as that is but he should be more understanding.

PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:26:16

How can I forgot what he said and remove this mental block?

carlywurly Tue 13-Sep-11 20:27:36

I think he's jumping into defensive mode tbh. He probably feels he's doing something wrong and in a very clumsy, was trying to let you know that he's not always been inept in bed (not that he is, necessarily, just that's how he might have been feeling!)

smartyparts Tue 13-Sep-11 20:28:14

I agree with others - he was being unintentionally tactless rather than cruel.

After an hour of trying he was probably as frustrated as you!

PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:29:49

Cheers smartypants, and it was half an hour.

Desiderata Tue 13-Sep-11 20:33:14

I agree with Smarty. Sex should be spontaneous.

Try to reverse the roles, and think about how you would feel if he couldn't get an erection, and ran into the toilets crying, whilst demanding a conversation.

You're over-thinking things. Try masturbating for a while, and see if you can get your mojo back that way.

Cheria Tue 13-Sep-11 20:33:52

Cruel probably not. Tactless yes. Typical bloke.

moondog Tue 13-Sep-11 20:33:57

You said an hour.
Hats off to the man for effort (tactless comment aside)

mumblechum1 Tue 13-Sep-11 20:35:02

Even half an hour would get a bit boring imo

<low boredom threshold>

PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:35:58

I know he didn't mean what he said and I have forgiven him. I know he said it because he was feeling insecure. I just cannot stop thinking about it whilst we're in the middle of it now.

We do have a healthy sex life which I enjoy, I love him and am attracted to him.

PrettyDevastated Tue 13-Sep-11 20:37:37

Sorry meant to say half an hour. I don't think that is long for foreplay I.e kissing, touching, stroking, oral etc

NeedaCostume Tue 13-Sep-11 20:38:13

I wonder why it is so important to you to reach orgasm? OK, it feels good, but it isn't the be all and end all to enjoying sex. Or, indeed to enjoying life.

As a woman, I think it is very hard to feel turned on, let alone orgasm, if you are unhappy. A woman's sex organ is the brain. Tell him that unless he turns you on mentally, he won't succeed physically. And get some counselling, because you do sound unhappy.

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