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My friend finally left her abusive partner, now she is going back...

(20 Posts)
QueenOfFeckingEverything Tue 13-Sep-11 18:16:12

He is classic emotional abuser, has been slowly cutting her off from all her support networks, undermined her confidence, doesn't like her to have friends round, witholds money from her ('all I have to do is ask him if I need anything...'), deliberately ruined her BFing their baby (insisted on introducing bottle as he 'felt left out' and spent weeks sulking over it til she agreed, then once that was established never bothered feeding baby again) etc etc. He's told her she will never be able leave him, and if she tries he is keeping the baby.

Then he physically assualted her and she left with the baby. Was in a refuge for the last week, we made it clear she was welcome here anytime for as long as she needed (he doesn't know where we live).

But now, she is going back sad angry - he has promised to get help like there is any help that can overcome Being A Wanker

I am so gutted and worried for her...

babyhammock Tue 13-Sep-11 18:22:12

First what a lovely friend you are... how heartbreaking. Its so easy to see from the outside too. From the inside, they just have such a hold.

Don't know what to say other than carry on being there for her. He won't change, you know that, and she WILL need you..

QueenOfFeckingEverything Tue 13-Sep-11 18:27:26

Thank you smile

Its so horrible to watch.

And now, he knows he can hit her. He knows that she will not leave even then. What next?? He won't stop there, its never just the once, and her two little girls are seeing this and internalising it...

RumourOfAHurricane Tue 13-Sep-11 18:32:03

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QueenOfFeckingEverything Tue 13-Sep-11 18:34:02

i can and i will shiney

i am going to message her in a minute

RumourOfAHurricane Tue 13-Sep-11 18:38:02

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RumourOfAHurricane Tue 13-Sep-11 18:41:21

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QueenOfFeckingEverything Tue 13-Sep-11 18:42:44

So sorry for such a dreadful loss, Shiney sad

He is acting like he is the one taking her back hmm

She wants security, and she thinks he is offering it. But to me, it looks more like a fucking prison than a safe secure home for her and her DDs.

BertieBotts Tue 13-Sep-11 18:45:57

Can you buy her a copy of the book "Why does he do that?" ? It's written by a man who was involved with abuser programs and completely smashes this image that most abusers will paint that they are so sorry, that it was a mistake, that they see differently now, that they will get help. It outlines the real steps that abusers must make to change and explains why most abusers won't ever manage it. It has danger signs to watch out for if you do choose to go back to an abuser, and it says all this in such a way that will not judge her or alienate her for wanting to go back. Plus, it's a very very handy thing to read if you are dealing with an abusive person as it allows you to understand their thinking patterns and their logic, which are often very different to how you would expect.

RumourOfAHurricane Tue 13-Sep-11 18:48:10

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QueenOfFeckingEverything Tue 13-Sep-11 18:48:45

i will suggest it to her but i know she wont want him to see her read it

she is so grateful to him, he took her in (took fucking advantage if you ask me) at a difficult time in her life when she was really vulnerable

ButWhyIsTheGinGone Tue 13-Sep-11 18:48:50

Shiney, this is so awful :-(
Queen, I'm sorry I have not useful advice, but I don't see that you can do anything more. You've done all a freind can do by allowing her to escape to yours. I really, really hope your friend sees sense.

notsorted Tue 13-Sep-11 19:09:08

There is stuff on WA site about how to talk to someone who is in that position and other stuff on the web or give WA a call. Think the important thing is not to judge but to support and keep on supporting, letting her know that there is an alternative way of living. Hard to understand her behaviour but things such as stockholm syndrome and the fact that he is what she knows so goes back to familiarity when is feeling vulnerable and wants to think there is a solution. It will take time. You sound like a fabulous friend, keep with her.

BertieBotts Tue 13-Sep-11 19:13:24

No I realise that - I meant if she had time still at the refuge - perhaps not then. If you could offer to keep it at your house, she could read it in sections, maybe. Either that or suggest she comes on mumsnet, not in a relationship advice sense, but just as an unrelated, oh, I find this site great for parenting advice, or tell her to check out the appropriate section if she's looking for the next stage car seat or other gadget, or keep sending her links to funny threads. If she gets hooked here she'll fall upon the relationships threads after a while.

He sounds like a kitten-rescuer. Spot a kitten stuck up a tree, help it down, take it home, look after it, feel really important and good for doing this, but when the kitten grows up and turns out to be a wild cat with hunting and exploring in its blood, can't handle that and so spends every spare second trying to tame it back into a housecat. It doesn't ever occur to him that the cat's happiness might just trump his own. But actually, the cat was a wildcat all along, it never needed rescuing. If he hadn't have come along when he did the kitten would have found its own way down sooner or later. (Metaphor inspired by Ani Difranco grin)

QueenOfFeckingEverything Tue 13-Sep-11 19:19:32

She is returning by the end of the week. I will get a copy to have here, I'd like to read it too just out of interest. But I strongly suspect he will be 'discouraging' visits here - she lives an hours drive away and uses his car.

QueenOfFeckingEverything Tue 13-Sep-11 19:20:10

Good metaphor btw smile

MadameOvary Tue 13-Sep-11 20:49:16

QueenOf - So sorry to hear this sad
All you can do is be there for her. If you want to stay in her life, make sure you are under his radar. Do NOT do anything to wind him up. I realise this sounds odd, but believe me it is the sensible thing to do - better a passive solid presence than an active absent one, IYSWIM. Dont encourage her to be defiant, the only thing that you can do is work on building her awareness of what he is.

Hope I am making sense. PM me if you wish.

QueenOfFeckingEverything Tue 13-Sep-11 21:43:00

Thank you all for the support smile

She has messaged me to say 'he knows it is his last chance' and that 'he will have to work for this'.

I just think, NO, he knows that he can hit her with no comeback.

She is meant to be having a birthday party next month, with him there. I don't know if I can sit in the same room as him without spitting in his eye tbh. DP says I should go as otherwise he is succeeding in isolating her further.

mrjellykeepskidsquiet Wed 14-Sep-11 14:25:57

Shiney....what a terrible story, sorry for your loss.

Queen, no advice really but agree with your DP that you should go to her party, make sure you keep in her life for support.

QueenOfFeckingEverything Thu 15-Sep-11 20:19:50

Heard from her again today, a long message telling me that inside him is a good man waiting to come out who she knows is worth fighting for, that he has agreed to get help dealing with his grief (father died two years ago), that he has promised to treat her with the respect she deserves.

Then she says, 'in return' she will support him through this and that he knows she isn't afraid to leave him again.

As for the party... I agree she needs support but I genuinely am not sure I can sit in a room with the man and be polite angry

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