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Relationships

sick of him shouting at kids and belittling me!

52 replies

ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:18

Basically I have just realised I am married to a complete and utter COCK!! The complete nob berated our son who is 8 this morning before school about his hair not being right - thing is he comes accross so aggressive and poor DS just couldn't take it this morning. This is just a typical example. I dread H opening his mouth because he just upsets us so much! He always has to complain about something. We went out at the weekend to a local park and I can even predict now that when we go out he will shout at DS - DS just can't seem to do right for doing wrong somedays.

I got back from the school run and told him he was a complete TW*T and I was sick of him. Sick of :-

  • His aggressive verbal outbursts (which happen constantly/daily)

making me feel like he doesn't want DS or me
  • Never being able to get things right - always picking at what I do or how I do it
  • Sick of not being able to have a "normal" conversation without it ending up in world war bloody 3.
  • I don't want to go out on family days as I am embarrassed when he starts up snarling at DS.


I really can't bear him to touch me (fed up of constantly being asked for anal sex or a blow job and being told I would feel much better for a good shag) - he even makes sexual inuendos to me in front of the kids - the kids don't know what he is on about but I do and I have told him that he should have a little bit more self respect.

We have been together for 20 years (married for 14) and have two lovely children - I really don't want them to be spoilt by his verbal outbursts. His family have told him before when we have had get togethers but they only see a very small amount of what he is really like.

I told him this morning also that when I was taking DS to school that I had to tell him not to worry, daddy will be out this evening so you won't have to put up with him.

How should I handle things - it can't go on, I have told H that I can't carry on like this (have often dreamed of packing bags and getting a place of my own with the kids but this just isn't possible, I don't work and have no pennies!!).

he has been quite polite to me since and tried to "talk" (if asking if I want a cup of tea can be classed as talking). I really want to shake him and make him realise what he is doing to us.

Sorry for the rant!!!! Any advice would be very much appreciated.
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UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 13:20

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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:26

Not sure really - I want to protect DS but can't tell him daddy is right to speak to him that way, but is it right to tell DS that I completely understand why he is upset and that its ok because daddy will be out later when he gets home from school??

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2011 13:28

What are you teaching your children about relationships here?. Both of you are imparting damaging lessons to them currently. The people I feel the most for in all this are your children and they are already being damaged by his verbal outbursts.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time; still with him?. I sincerely hope not.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Talking to such an abusive man is a complete waste of time and effort; you need to make plans to leave him before he drags you and your children further down with him.

Some solicitors can give clients a free 30 minute consultation; I would seek legal advice regarding your own situation asap. Abuse thrives on secrecy also; time to bust this wide open now.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

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UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 13:29

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2011 13:29

You protect your children by getting away from their abusive dad; he will start on his son soon enough as well as you (infact he has already done so).

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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:32

Thanks AttilaTheMeerkat - you are right. When it is here is black and white it looks so bad, but everyone thinks he is a great bloke!!!

Can I change him - even with some counselling??? To be honest I am not all too sure I want to.

It's the practicalities of leaving - I have no money - the house will take months/years to sell. I have no income to pay bills on another place (never mind the one we have together), no savings to call on and no family to help!! I do feel trapped.

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UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 13:34

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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:36

Thanks UsingMainlySpoons - yes - love the kids more than life!!

Can H be helped - and can we all live together in a good way???? It is such a big step to leave and make a new start and at the end of the day the kids will still have to see their dad - I just won't be there to referee.

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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:37

Yes - am in UK.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2011 13:40

Hi Ironing,

Abusers are often plausible to those in the outside world. It is only behind closed doors that their true colours emerge. I would also think that some of your friends actually wonder why you are still with him; some of them have undoubtedly picked up on what he is really like.

Can you change him - short answer to that one is NO. His abusive behaviour is too deeply ingrained within his own pysche and he would likely never want to go to any counsellor anyway. Joint counselling in your situation anyway is a complete non starter due to the ongoing abuse meted out by him.

Sole counselling for you though is something you should consider.

You have some obstacles yes but these are not totally insurmountable. If you remain within this, your children will not thank you for doing so and will actually likely despise you for being weak by putting him before them. That is not the legacy you want to leave your children.

There is help out there for you; you need to make that first and hardest step to ask for help. Womens Aid is a good place to start and they can and will help you. As said before too, many solicitors will give their client a free 30 minute consultation. You can seek advice on benefits. The monetary situation is not hopeless by any means.

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GypsyMoth · 13/09/2011 13:40

You can't change people. And frankly, do you have energy or inclination?

Phone council, ask if they do the 'rent assist' scheme. This is where they out up the bond/advance rent on a place. Housing benefit snd benefits can support you whilst you get on your feet.

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UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 13:42

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2011 13:42

Children may or may not want to have a relationship with him after seeing at first hand his treatment of both you and them. You may even ultimately want to use the services of a contact centre re his access to his children.

You can only help yourself and by turn your own children here. You need to get the damaging thought out of your head that he can somehow be helped here. He does not want your help.

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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:45

Thanks. I have told DH "you know whats going to happen when DS gets older - he will turn around and tell you to F* Off" - I hoped that this would make him think.

What if the kids blame me for marriage break up - ie. I left their dad but didn't try. I wouldnt have classed his behaviour as abusive, but I am going to look on the womens aid website.

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MUMoo7 · 13/09/2011 13:48

UsingMainlySpoons is right - you can't change him - I have never seen changes in dp that lasted longer than the moment the feeling of guilt went away which was not very long! After that he has always gone back to his nasty old self. I have, however, not ever let him get away with being nasty to the children. When he shouted at me the other day because DD knocked her empty(!) beaker over (did not even spill anything) and DS said to him "but this is not Mummy's fault", he had a huge go at DS and I was not having any of it. I was very proud of DS for saying that, he can speak his mind, was even polite and I told him that in front of his father. Got threatend with empty beer bottle later when DCs were in bed, but managed to run off and almost locked him into the conservatory overnight (chickened out of this plan, though). I am not defending daddy against my principles anymore - daddy won't learn, but the children will and they should not grow up to believe their father is right in how he behaves. Sorry about rant, got a bit carried away because we have a similar situation here with dp being over-the-top critical of ds (one of many issues)

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UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 13:51

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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:52

Thanks MuMoo. I think I am a bit weak at times and have let him get away with stuff too much - it damn well stops now - one way or another!!!

I should be stronger for my kids - their dad might be a bit of a prick but they should be able to rely on their mum to stick up for them and do the right thing.

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UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 13:52

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2011 13:53

"What if the kids blame me for marriage break up - ie. I left their dad but didn't try"

He has conditioned you well hasn't he?. No, no and no again; besides which you've likely tried for a long time to salvage this mess. Your children are more likely to blame you for staying within this so called marriage instead.
Try and do what - repair the unrepairable?. What if anything has he done to try and repair the damage?. He has done nothing because he at heart sees nothing wrong with his abusive behaviour. Your H is quite happy as he is because he can and does act as the dominator within your home. He does not want change.

At the very least you have been and are still subjected to emotional and vile verbal abuse. He is now doing the same to his children; he regards you all as completely unimportant.

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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:56

Thanks UsingMainlySpoons. I am going to look into things and see what happens over the next few days also. I need to take control of both the situation and how things happen in our house.

In the meantime, i think i should probably turn the tables on H and "belittle" him a bit and see how he likes it (obviously in a way not to upset the kids) - DS usually thinks it is great when I make us all laugh at daddy!!!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2011 13:59

Hi Ironing,

These are all abusive behaviours on his part:-

"His aggressive verbal outbursts (which happen constantly/daily)
making me feel like he doesn't want DS or me

  • Never being able to get things right - always picking at what I do or how I do it
  • Sick of not being able to have a "normal" conversation without it ending up in world war bloody 3.
  • I don't want to go out on family days as I am embarrassed when he starts up snarling at DS".


I hope you do call Womens Aid as well as read their website; they can and will help you and your children here.
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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 13:59

Thanks for your advice - basically I need to be aware of what my options are - KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!!! And i need to be STRONG and make the right decision for the kids (and me).

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/09/2011 14:02

"In the meantime, i think i should probably turn the tables on H and "belittle" him a bit and see how he likes it (obviously in a way not to upset the kids) - DS usually thinks it is great when I make us all laugh at daddy!!!"

Oh for goodness sake!.

What does that proposed behaviour on your part teach the children about relationships?. I have stated before that BOTH of you are teaching your children damaging lessons. You need to start making plans as of now to leave him.

No, no and no again because the above also could well put you in danger of being harmed physcially. He has already shown that he can be verbally abusive towards you and the children, it is but a small step between that and actually hitting you. He's already upped the control and power ante by taking out his crap on the children.

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ironingisboring · 13/09/2011 14:06

You are so right. two wrongs don't make a right.

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UsingMainlySpoons · 13/09/2011 14:06

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