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wierd reaction to H affair!

(8 Posts)
doinmybest Tue 13-Sep-11 12:30:32

I found out about 2 months ago H had been seeing someone at work. We've had it all out, tears and tantrums from both sides, agreed things needed to change and we both really wanted to make it work. He has told me he wasnt happy with the other woman and tried to finish it a few times but she threatened to do her self some damage! I have told him that it will take longer to get over the deceit than the affair itself and he understands that. If you had asked me 6 months ago how I would have felt about him leaving, I honestly dont think I would've been bothered.

The 'problem' is things are now better than ever! It almost feels like its done us a favour and given us a kick up the arse. Even the kids have mentioned how different he is. He's doing more with me and the kids which I know could be a guilty consience, but he keeps telling me how happy he is, and how much he loves me and I have realised how much I still love him. We cant keep our hands off each other and the sex is fantastic confused
My problem is am I being totally sucked in? Can this all be genuine and its happened to you or someone you know? or am I in complete denial sad

workedoutforthebest Tue 13-Sep-11 13:11:10

Yes, the same thing happened to me; although my partner admitted to having no less than four affairs. I believe that when it was all out he tried to make the effort and he really did help. Problem was, I went from feeling contented to feeling angry and feeling that he was taking the piss. It's very difficult to recover from something like this and I do think, that perhaps when you're feelings have settled down, you might feel completely different.

Hope it works out smile

workedoutforthebest Tue 13-Sep-11 13:19:38

* Sorry, a thousand and one typos in my post...

Malificence Tue 13-Sep-11 13:26:30

It's what's known as "hysterical bonding" and is perfecly normal , part of the healing process. Any major trauma can have the same effect on couples, not just an affair.

HappyHubbie Tue 13-Sep-11 14:00:26

Sounds like he knows he's lucky to still have you, and this has been a kick up the arse as he's realised what he so nearly lost. If it's guilt then it won't last any length of time, if it's genuine it will. You'd probably know by now if it wasn't so I'd take that as a good sign.

6 months ago you wouldn't have been bothered if he left, so the relationship presumably wasn't going well for either of you at that point. Both of you need to keep working at it long term to ensure you don't fall into another rut or whatever - lots of marriages survive one affair, but two (either him or you) is much harder to get over.

sternface Tue 13-Sep-11 14:59:53

Yes but 6 months ago, the affair had already started in some form of another (even if they were just at the flirting stage) so I'm not surprised that you would have been a bit "meh" about him at that point. He was probably being a complete arse back then, wasn't he? Probably trying to create arguments so that he could justify having an affair. I wouldn't put too much store by how you felt 6 months ago. How you felt about him before he met this woman would probably be more accurate.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 13-Sep-11 15:14:32

Re sternface's point, when looking back during the past year when H had the affair, because of his behaviour and detachment I reacted by nitpicking and nagging.

Also agree re hysterical bonding which is common.

doinmybest Tue 13-Sep-11 15:47:42

thanks to you all for your comments, sometimes we just need a bit of confirmation we're not going nuts or being taken for a ride. I can only see how things go and hope we sort it out smile

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