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Would it be wrong to tell he to stick her wedding invite up her arse?

(51 Posts)
WeDONTneedanotherhero Tue 13-Sep-11 12:01:59

I have lost all perspective when it comes to my family. They behave in classic toxic ways, I have posted about them lots on here under a previous name. I have stupidly been trying to build bridges with them for the last few months

My Sis is getting married in 11 weeks, DH, DC and I have been invited to attend, which we are going to. However this weekend was my sister hen do and she went out for a meal with my family and a few of her friends, I was not invited and the reason behind my not knowing about it was that my aunt and nan were invited. For the last two years I have recieved abusive messages from my aunt and nan saying I'm a bad mum, I harm my children, I'm manipulative, evil, sly, a nasty piece of work ect etc. My whole family know about these messages and my sis has seen them but the have sided with my nan and aunt . It is not the first time that they are invited over me to a "family" event.

I am hurt and upset by it, yes I know I should have learnt by now and it should no longer suprise me. My overwhelming reaction is to tell her to shove her wedding invite but I have no idea if I am over reacting as as I said earlier I have lost all perspective.

I hope this makes sense.

TLD2 Tue 13-Sep-11 12:04:15

Personally, I wouldn't go to the wedding. It's just asking for more grief you don't need.

Pakdooik Tue 13-Sep-11 12:05:33

Tell them to shove it and tell them exactly why

maddy68 Tue 13-Sep-11 12:08:30

She obviously wanted your mum and nan there, the issues you have between them is nothing to do with your sister, she probably didnt invite you to keep the peace.
Nothing personal, but they are 2 people, you are 1, easier to not invite you I suppose
I would still go to the wedding and keep dignified about things

kaluki Tue 13-Sep-11 12:09:40

I would be inclined to tell them to stuff it. You really don't need people like this in your life and your sister and the rest of the family should show a bit moreloyalty to you.
Its taken me years of heartache but I have cut my brother and SIL out of my life. She is a toxic lying cow and he is a gutless arse and I honestly feel better for having removed myself from their lives.
These people only get away with this awful behaviour if we allow them to.

Sn0wGoose Tue 13-Sep-11 12:11:01

Tell them to shove it - and not just re the wedding. You need the grief.

Sn0wGoose Tue 13-Sep-11 12:11:15

don't need the grief! whoops

MrMan Tue 13-Sep-11 12:12:11

Oh dear WDNAH. It all sounds stressful, especially since it sounds like it will be hard for you to be happy for her. Out of curiosity, what does your DH think/say?

Crumbletopping Tue 13-Sep-11 12:12:22

Don't know the background, but if you can bear it, go, be polite, enjoy it as much as you can - free food and drink etc. Let them all see you can rise above their treatment of you. If you don't go, that'll just be another stick to beat you with.

Beans1234 Tue 13-Sep-11 12:15:37

Can I ask why they've been calling you a bad mum etc (not that I'm saying you are in any way) but from the sounds of it the relationship has broken down at some point from all perspectives? I would either speak to your sister and address problems, try and build bridges with all of them if possible OR not go if you feel thats not going to work. Whats the point in spending hundreds of pounds going to a wedding when you're not going to enjoy it with the people that are there.

WeDONTneedanotherhero Tue 13-Sep-11 12:17:11

My DH is my rock when it comes to this, he is fuming and thinks I should tell them all to bugger off for good. He's so anger with them for reducing me to tears on a weekly basis.

That's what I was worried about crumbletopping, it would be another stick to beat me with.

WeDONTneedanotherhero Tue 13-Sep-11 12:20:54

Beans because I parent my own way and won't bring up my like they tell me too It all started because I wouldn't leave my 3 week old, premature, exclusively breastfeed ds with them for them afternoon and they took that as a personal insult and told me that they wanted nothing more to do with me and DC.

And now they tell people I'm neglectful and selfish because I'm "abandoning" the DC to start my degree.

Beans1234 Tue 13-Sep-11 12:28:46

sounds like you're on a losing battle in all honesty and you're life is on hold with all the upset. A few of my friends (including myself) have had massive issues with their family and although I've sorted out my relationships to a point, others have just concluded that, although they will always love them, they need to get on with their lives and the main priority is their Husband and children. In some cases the family may come around. I would buy them an nice pressie and gracefully decline (say you're on holiday or something - don't fuel the fire by giving specific reasons, she won't take anything well if she's in wedding planning mode). concentrate on being happy and keep a polite distance until and if they attempt to build bridges from their perspective.

beatenbyayellowteacup Tue 13-Sep-11 21:19:49

They sound horribly toxic and controlling and judgmental. It's no wonder you feel like you have lost perspective because this action is a trigger for other emotions which are obviously very painful.

How do you normally get on with your sister? Would you be able/want to go and be happy for her? Are there other people you could talk to and have fun with at the wedding, or will it feel stickily toxic all night?

WeDONTneedanotherhero Wed 14-Sep-11 09:24:42

I don't really get on well with my sister, she has always been the "favourite" and uses that to get what she wants. Despite that I do want to be happy for her.

There are very few people that will talk to me there because they've all been told how horrid I am. I started a thread a few weeks ago about how my parent's best friend threatened to come in to my work and "make me listen". Ergo it'll be pretty crappy, I guess.

rainbow2000 Wed 14-Sep-11 10:49:22

I wouldnt go especially if the others are gonna be there,you will see them and possibly a row.Its not worth it and your dh and dc come first.So what if they talk about you they are doing it now anyway,so whats the difference.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Wed 14-Sep-11 11:10:08

it'll be pretty crappy, I guess.

Then why go? Honestly? What's in it for you?

holyShmoley Wed 14-Sep-11 11:31:54

OK, this is only what I would do, and feel free to disagree. Just see it as a set-up pity your sister that she can't invite her own sister to her hen because her grandmother is a monster.
I would go the wedding but would try to leave the kids at home. Just keep saying to every attack that you're an adult and allowed to live your life however you wish, just let the, know that their nastiness makes you see how utterly pathetic they are as human beings.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 14-Sep-11 11:33:46

I would not attend your sister's wedding either in such circumstances.

Do not attempt to build bridges with such people; you are dealing with people here who do not comprehend or want to comprehend the "normal" rules governing familial relations.

BellaneyMimphus Wed 14-Sep-11 11:36:51

I wouldn't tell her to stick it up her arse, but I would go (as someone said, without the kids), try to have a nice time, avoid the awful ones, and then be totally passive about contact.

If you miss the wedding, there's more grist to their mill. I am not saying you are lying, but there are two sides to every story, and tbh it sounds like there is a lot to this.

If it is painful for you to have contact with them, then just get on with your life and don't give them room to belittle you. There is an art to being a passive relation, I am living it at the moment and it's very satisfying. It involves not ringing, screening calls and only picking up 1/10 of them, being perfectly pleasant yet keeping most details of your life from them, deleting yourself from Facebook, cancelling plans at the last minute because of reasonable (fictional!) things like migraine. Gradually things tail off and you get a quieter life, no fireworks.

pinkytheshrinky Wed 14-Sep-11 11:43:37

NO I would not go but I would write and say why - not being arsey but I would explain myself. You have to ask yourself, even though these people are your family, do you really need this? Do they really add anything to your life? I have been in a bit of a similar situation and staying connected to the situation made me crazy and upset all the time. After the initial discomfort of separating myself from it it was actually a relief.

Just be nice about it but gently remove yourself

thisishowifeel Wed 14-Sep-11 12:00:28

I'd emigrate.

I have a toxic family who think that I am evil and all things bad. I have cut all contact, and life is better, especially for my children, and their future mental health.

A lot of people can do the arms length thing with these types, but it just hurts too much, for me.

I think your title answers your question by the way! smile

ThePosieParker Wed 14-Sep-11 12:03:55

Fuck them. I'd be inclined to burn every bridge tbh, sounds like it's no good for you in any way to have any of them in your life.

HotBurrito1 Wed 14-Sep-11 12:14:09

I would go. Rise above it all and remain dignified. The bigger picture is that she will always be your sister, and will probably always feel bad for not inviting you to the hen do. Not going now will escalate the whole thing.

WeDONTneedanotherhero Wed 14-Sep-11 12:15:26

Then why go? Honestly? What's in it for you?

Honestly, I have know idea. The only reason I'd go is to put on a front and pretend that they don't upset me and can't bully. Which isn't the best reason to go.

And to the poster who said there's obviously a whole lot more to this, boy you're not wrong but whenever I've asked what exactly have I done wrong I've been told a range of non-answers like "you should know" and "you just piss people off" or "your a snob" The snob one is a recent answer and it's because I start university this year.

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