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Am I being inconsiderate?

(24 Posts)
Shoni Tue 13-Sep-11 11:24:47

We have been married for 7 years nearly and last year I was hard work with depression and anxiety until I went to see a councillor regarding being abused as a child,
It had effected everything from my mood to our sex life and even though I'm not completely better the changes are amazing,I am also seeing life differently that things like a spotless house is not the end of the world anymore! But my hubby thinks I'm slacking with everything to a point he's saying things like ‘and what the hell have you done all day while I've been at work?' I mean really what have you done’ it makes me feel terrible as I am trying to find that balance that my therapist says to find and not be possessive about the cleaning as it was over lapping with the sexual abuse for the need to keep clean! And in the other sence I'm making my hubby unhappy with the house being upside down,
His new dig at me this morning is that I've asked him that I would like to go home and visit my cousin for a night out with the girls which I have not done since we met, and have never done or gone anywhere without him since we met,, we live three hours away from each other,as I moved away when I met my hubby, in his words ‘ I'm a bit pissed off with the fact your going home for a weekend and I'm not invited? And are we one of those couples know? Right ok we will be one of those couples know!! Were we go places without each other’? I mean what married woman with kids goes away without her family at the weekend?’there it is,he says! I was asked to go to vagas and I'm not going, (I said I didn't mind if he went because I know I can trust him,but I would be worried about him) and I said that I wasn't stopping him, and he said but I have the respect for you not to go,which really hurt as I care truely about his feelings otherwise I would of told him I was going instead of asking, did he mind,! He also said that he thought he would go see my therapist as well as he only knows one side of the story! I felt like he thinks my therapy was all me moaning about him, and it wasn't! Yes I spoke about our sexual relationship to better it as due to the abuse as a child made me see sex as awful thing! And how I can make things easier for him whilst I was going through it! But that was it, I knew he wasn't being normal with me I knew something was annoying him like work! I had a feeling by his behaviour all week! Am I being inconsiderate and selfish?

RabbitPie Tue 13-Sep-11 11:39:08

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ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 13-Sep-11 12:16:38

No, you are not being inconsiderate.

I think the treatment you grew up means that you also accept things in your marriage because your standards of acceptable behaviour towards you have been lowered.

Abuse makes many of us feel responsible for how others treat us. Which of course is nonsense. Abuse in childhood can make us grow up believing that we don't deserve to be happy, that we are intrinsically in the wrong and unlovable.

You are not being inconsiderate to your husband. In fact, you have almost certainly given him far more consideration than he deserves, because you have not given yourself enough.

Do open up to your therapist about this.

HotBurrito1 Tue 13-Sep-11 12:28:44

I agree with the other responses. He's clearly bossing you around at the very least. Take him to your therapist, him explaining his attitude re housework and 'letting' you go out might not be such a bad thing. You are not being inconsiderate in the least.

Shoni Tue 13-Sep-11 12:33:38

Thank you for your comment,that makes sense, only he's my husband and I want to make things right instead of making things worse! I've felt he's been a bit controlling not just know always but I've never been able to see it! I told him I feel he speaks to me as he is my boss and not as a hubby Which he said he doesn't think he does but he's sorry if it seems that way.(he runs his own business) and I tried to make things a bit easier by saying he'll be passing me my p45 soon, he kind of seen the funny side! He said that sometimes people like the people at his work need a bit of authority and I said that it's not his place to give me authority!! I'm shocked he said this to me! should I be??
I've told him his idea of him going to see my therapist was probably a good idea also as I really think he needs it! I'm worried with the way he is I'll end up getting pulled back when I've done so well getting better,as I'm not seeing my therapist anymore,I think your right tho I need to be honest, with him and the therapist I'm not sure he would make the effort or make an excuse with work

ChitChattingWithKids Tue 13-Sep-11 12:40:49

I don't think he wants to see your therapist to help you, but to pull you back to where you were, which he seemed quite comfortable with. Your therapist should not be discussing anything about your therapy with him unless with your permission - WHICH YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GIVE!!!! You also sound as though you still need the support of your therapist, because it doesn't sound as though you have anyone else.

He sounds incredibly possessive. Yes, as a married couple you should do lots of things together, but that doesn't mean that you have to lose your identity as an individual. But with your history of abuse it seems as though you were never able to build your own identity, and your baby steps are being sabotaged by your husband.

Shoni Tue 13-Sep-11 12:41:54

Thank you for your comment itsmeandmypuppy, I think your right i don't see my therapist anymore he said I didnt need to as I was better and he was confident I was readyto go, so I agreed,,
My hubby was so supportive whilst I was in therapy so I suppose that's why none of this was spoken about, I think his personal problems/difficulties are being pushed onto me maybe? I'm confused if I'm in the right or in the wrong anymore!?

Madlizzy Tue 13-Sep-11 12:49:40

Now you're on the mend, he's starting to see that you're not as easy to control as you were when you were ill. You needed him more then (in his eyes). He definitely wants to control you. In a healthy relationship, a couple will go out without the other and also have time away without it being an issue. You're not being inconsiderate at all, you're just not doing as you're told. I agree that it would be good for you to talk to your therapist again, but with regard to your husband's possessive behaviour towards you, and whether it's something that you can deal with or if you should walk away.

Shoni Tue 13-Sep-11 12:53:57

Thank you. Chitchattingwithkids, your kind of saying what I feel but don't know how to say it,I don't have anyone else,in fact he is the only person in my life I can truly trust after my kids of course, last year was a turning point for me going to see my therapist I never knew how low I was until I went to see my therapist and how lonely I was,I hide behind my husband all the time so I don't be heard or seen and that not his fault but mine and I was told to speak louder and be seen and heard and be more confident,so I try ! But then I feel I'm doing it all wrong! Me going home driving on my own for three hours then going out without him is a massive step I'd of never done which o felt uplifted with then I feel bad for leaving my kids and husband to do so, I have lost my identity and I'm wanting it back but how go I do this without hurting my family? Or how can I make it so I don't look so selfish?

blackeyedsusan Tue 13-Sep-11 13:00:07

oh dear, i don't like the sound of your first post. it makes me uneasy. I don't like your husbands behaviour and attitude. I think you could do well to see a therapist again to talk over how he behaves and how you want to deal with that.

you definately need some objective help.

HotBurrito1 Tue 13-Sep-11 13:03:31

Perhaps chitchatting is right about keeping your progress with therapist completely separate from him.

If you have explained to him how important this night out is to your progress (as you have outlined) and he still regards it as selfish, frankly I'm sorry but he doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Shoni Tue 13-Sep-11 13:38:55

Hi
I kind ov was left with it and he went off taking our eldest to school so I haven't had a chance to explain myself to him!
See he really is a good man! He looks after all of us well,goes to work every day even when ill never goes the pub after work,and we want for nothing really!! But he does remind me of this every time I moan about somethink like spending more time together for the main example!! So i always feel terrible to complain about ! i feel if Im Not nacketed as much as he is that week then I'm letting him down In a way!! I don't know it's hard to explain!!
Was I ever the problem? ?

HotBurrito1 Tue 13-Sep-11 14:07:39

Plenty of married women go away for a night. It would be a completely normal reaction if he said "Of course you deserve a night away with the girls, have a good time". Plenty of SAHM's let the house get a bit messy during the day, and plenty of husbands do not go on about.

You stopped seeing your therapist as he said you didn't need to? If you still found it helpful, it really wasn't his decision to make. I wonder if you should go back, as your posts make it clear how much they were helping.

MardyArsedMidlander Tue 13-Sep-11 14:13:25

I know it sounds horrible- but your husband may have preferred the 'Ill You' as you were easier to control and less likelyto leave. This new confident persona seems to have deeply scared him.

Shoni Tue 13-Sep-11 14:54:48

I didn't leave my therapist,my therapist said that he was letting me go as he thought there was no point me still seeing him if I was making good progress he said he didn't see the point of dragging me in every week!! So I agreed,my score is still a bit high but he says it's ok!!
I think I just needed someone's opinion on this! The other week when he had a go he had said,would you bring in as much as I do? Well would you? He told me I wouldn't cope without him, I felt like shit and felt my part in the family is nothing to his,I nearly told him to spend a few days away to see if I could cope kind of to prove I could cope! But after he came home he kind of after the kids went to bed gave me a cuddle and said sorry then we ended up in the bedroom! And everything was fine and know this again? I'm up and down likes yoyo angry

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 13-Sep-11 15:04:45

Your husband is being very controlling of you, Shoni:

- He belittles you nastily, saying things like "and what the hell have you done all day while I've been at work?' I mean really what have you done?"

- He does this even though you say it makes you feel terrible.

- He tries to manipulate you through guilt trips about going on a day out. (^‘I'm a bit pissed off with the fact your going home for a weekend and I'm not invited? And are we one of those couples know? Right ok we will be one of those couples know!! Were we go places without each other’^)

- He is intimidating you by threatening to give your therapist "his side of the story". This is also a way to state that you are defective and bad and wrong; that he sees you this way.

- He believes he should have authority over you, saying that "people like you" need it.

- He has convinced you that you should be grateful that he has an income and doesn't get sozzled after work. So grateful that you shouldn't dare ask for basic respectful things in a couple like time spent together.

Meanwhile, you -- typically for an abused person -- are feeling confused, blaming yourself, and spending time wondering whether he needs help. While really:

- You have nothing to blame yourself for regarding any of the things your husband is bringing up here. Seriously.

- Your confusion is down to the the disconnect between what you know is right, deep down, and the way your husband is treating you. He is not treating you right. You deserve better.

- Whether he needs help or not is entirely his responsibility, not yours. There's nothing you can do to help him. If he wants to receive help, it's up to him to ask for it. If he wants to treat you better, it's up to him to do it (he can, if he chooses). Clearly, he doesn't want to.

HotBurrito1 Tue 13-Sep-11 15:12:59

Oh ok, I thought your husband didn't want you to see your therapist. I think you were on to something with the therapy for him thing. He seems to feel the need to squash you to make himself feel better.

I'm pleased for you that you have made so much progress. Don't take any crap.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 13-Sep-11 15:24:30

Please read Madlizzy's response again. Your dh is a 'controller' and, because of your life experiences, you thought that his behaviour showed how deeply he cared for you rather than him being deeply insecure and uncomfortable with a relatonship in which both parties are equal.

Think about your relationship with your therapist. It was about being validated as the individual you were and are and, once your confidence in your right to be YOU was established, you were set free to continue to learn and grow at your own pace.

Don't compromise your new found confidence for the sake of anyone. It is NOT selfish to consider your own needs along with those of your loved ones, nor is it selfish for you to put yourself first on occasion - and there is no reason to feel guilty when you do so.

Emotionally healthy individuals need 'ME' time to replenish their minds and bodies, to have experiences that are unique to them, and to gain different perspectives on their everyday lives, and they do not feel threatened by the thought of others having the same needs.

The only reason your dh didn't go to Vegas (if, in fact, he was invited) was because HE didn't want to go. If he had wanted to go, I doubt he would have listened to you if you'd asked him to stay home.

He feels threatened by the thought of you spending any time away from home on your own because he won't be there to control you. He's terrified by the prospect of you being free to do exactly what you want.

You've overcome a lot of your fears and if he can't get over his, he needs therapy of a different type to that which you've received.

See his objection to you spending ONE NIGHT IN YEARS away from home for what it is. He's desperately trying to put you back in your box - don't let him close the lid.

Shoni Tue 13-Sep-11 17:28:09

I don't know were to begin to tell him or make him see how his behaviour is affecting me,apart from this he's perfect! And I love him dearly, I feel that he is in denial about his behaviour and that a sorry makes it all ok, forgotten about. He must know what he's doing when he says things like that or he must think I'm just stupid! To be honest he knows I come on here and told me to put on a description of himself and see how many woman would say that give me his phone number so for when I'm finish with him!! But made it jokey, his behaviour also makes me think hes maybe up to something sometimes and he then thinks I'm doing it also! ?
Like the time we were in new york for a week without the kids! With my sis n bro in law,, we were at a club and my sis and I had gone the toilet and a man was standing in a chicken costume outside the toilets when we came out! Well we thought this was hilarious so we took him to show the boys! Then my dh got paranoid and was wondering why I came back from the toilet with a bloke! Then he went on to make me feel like if I was going to be around men that he was going to start flirting with woman and he did with probably the most beautiful girl in there! I felt awfull tho it was my fault and kind of got my back up and told him two can play that game so anytime he spoke to me I would say things like isn't your new girl missing you and brushing him off,, the girl I think had no interest in him but it was not the point,, at the se time I was embarrassed!! We then headed bCk to the hotel were a group of men because of my accent asked me were I was from and I confirmed were I was from,they were saying how much they loved my home town and that was it but my hubby had seen me and went ballistic saying they were the guys the night before paying girls for sex and were kicked out! Obviously they weren't and my brother in law tried explaining it went but he wouldn't listen! He td me in front of the whole bar he was leaving me! I was in tears the whole night! Woke up to a letter saying how sorry he was that it was all his fault, and how ashamed he felt,he swore he would never be like that with me again! That night I feel like was forgotten about and know feel I'm waiting on the next on, don't know why I have told this s I haven't mentioned it ever?

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 13-Sep-11 20:50:23

I think you'll find the answers to many of your questions in this book, Shoni.

Shoni Tue 13-Sep-11 21:27:28

Thanks to you all for your comments,, I'm going to speak to my councillor, and hopefully speak to my hubby when the kids are not here I think you guys are right but I don't think he'll admit until he's had a long hard think about it! I hope he does as I want to stay together but I also want to be happy I think I need to be honest with him and myself wish me luck! sad

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 13-Sep-11 21:29:51

Good luck.

Come back and tell us how you're getting on!

HotBurrito1 Tue 13-Sep-11 22:26:44

All the best Shoni smile

Madlizzy Wed 14-Sep-11 11:40:49

Best of luck. Remember, you are an equal in a partnership and he does not have the right to own you or control what you do. Take care. x

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