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how do I get out of this... I just don't seem to be able to do it. can you get my arse in gear, please?

(17 Posts)
viennesewaltz Mon 12-Sep-11 23:25:28

I have been lurking and reading on this board forever. In a way, some of the stories here are so impressive and inspiring. women, who seem to have it to much more difficult than have managed but and I am strangely stuck and I have no idea how to get out of it.

I have been with my DH for 10 years. we have 2 kids (DD, 5 years and DS, 2.5 years with autism) initially, we had a great relationship but over the years things have changed. he is emotionally abusive, verbally abusive . he only talk to me in the presence of other people, otherwise I am only talked to in imperative mode, I am not supposed to talk back etc. I am only supposed to act on his instructions. he is calling me all kind of names every day. he is also controlling me financially to the point that I can't buy myself even a face cream (probably needless to mention, I am not allowed such things as hairdresser etc ). he won't let me go out (that is going out with the kids to meet other friends with kids - I would not even dare thinking about going out in the evening without kids). he, by contrast is going out on a regular basis. he says that I am the mum, hence the the kids are my responsibility, much more than his. he says, as a mum, I don't have the luxury nor the right to time to myself whilst he has these privileges (he is after all, "only" the dad). when he is eating, I have to leave the kitchen. when he wants to watch TV, I have to leave the lounge... I think you get the gist. the treatment I get is soul destroying sad

I am working p/t while the kids are at school/nursery. on my way home from work, I pick up the kids from school/nursery. I am, therefore, never ever at home without the kids. the only time without kids I have is in the office. as my DS's needs are rather severe due to his SN, I am completely housebound. I simply can't leave the house with both DC on my own as DS needs constant 1 to 1 supervision. I can't give him the supervision he needs when I am out with both DC (even though DD is pretty mature for her age). DH works full time and comes home often rather late and spends the weekends either sleeping or going out on his own. he never, ever does something with me and the kids. this means, I can't leave the house on the weekends either. please note, this is also very much due to my DS's SN. if he would not have the difficulties he has, my life would be very different. DH is, nevertheless helping a little bit with DS (or DC in general). when he comes homes, he deals with them for 30 mins. he takes DS to bed about half of the week and also deals with him over the weekend of 1 hour/day. even though this is not a lot, I really, really needs these little breaks to catch up with the housework etc (I do all the housework - DH does not do anything but will get very angry if I don't do things which in turn scares the DC. so I do it basically for the my DC). even though, I just run around catchin up with housework in these moments, they are very important for me. I just need to get these little breaks from DS (everybody with a child with SN, esp autism will probably understand what I mean).

so, here comes my actual problem: as outlines above, DH treats me really, really bad and I am really unhappy in this relationship. I know that he is emotionally and verbally abusing me, he is trying to control me.. am I constantly walking on eggshells trying to avoid the next blow up (though he will always find something that gives him an excuse to kick off). BUT I don't think I would cope with the kids (esp DS) on my own. I don't have family in the UK (I moved over from austria because of DH). I have friends but they are either childless with very busy jobs or have 3-4 DC themselves and therefore can't come over to look after my kids (and I can't leave DS with them because of his ASD either). if I would leave DH, i would be with the kids non-stop (apart from my hours in the office). I would not even be able to do basic things such as supermarket shopping... I would not get this 30 min a day of break to catch up with the housework... I am already exhausted and tired but and this idea of being on my own without support simply terrifies me. but staying with DH can't be the answer.

and then there are all the financial worries. zero savings; finding another place (DH would never leave the house to me and the kids, but then, I would never be able to afford the mortgage anyways); the actual move (and how on earth I would do this on my own with the kids without any family to help)... how would I find the money to pay for everything... my childcare bill is already more than my earnings. how in earth should we manage financially?

everything in my head is muddled. I can't think clear. I know I have to leave him but it just seems impossible atm. thanks for reading. and apologies for the muddles post. I am just so tired...

lubeybooby Mon 12-Sep-11 23:29:28

Oh this is beyond awful. If I were you I would quit work temporarily, contact womens aid they will arrange pick up and then help with getting the rest sorted, benefits, maintenance, etc. Then once you have independence you can look at getting back to work etc and actually living and having freedom, and your entitlement from divorce and can move on.

FabbyChic Tue 13-Sep-11 00:05:42

YOu would be entitled to benefits and help with childcare costs, you would get help with the rent in the form of housing benefit and council tax, you would get tax credits and working tax credits if you work over 16 hours a week.

It can be done.

You could shop online, you could do the housework when the kids were asleep.

There is always a choice. If it means you were not living with this arsehole surely that has to be worth something.

tallwivglasses Tue 13-Sep-11 01:02:56

'I know I have to leave him but it just seems impossible atm.'

There's never a good time. Just the sooner you get out, the sooner you can start your life. You know it makes sense.

nakedandangry Tue 13-Sep-11 01:03:47

You poor girl, this is miserable for you.

You MUST leave, for yourself and for your little dc.

other people are on here who are way better at advising in these situations than me, but I agree with the two posters above. there is help available, Womens Aid specifically can help with new housing (if necessary), and work with you to get you and your DC away from this shitty situation.

TheSkiingGardener Tue 13-Sep-11 01:18:00

That's an awful situation and I hear that you are frightened of what you need to do, but it can be done. Contact Women's Aid and listen to the advice and help they can give.

There are people on these boards who have done this and escaped and can tell you how worth it taking the first step is.

Good luck.

redvelvetpoppy Tue 13-Sep-11 02:54:14

You poor soul, you sound horribly trapped right now. If you made an appointment with your GP you could ask to be signed off work for 2 weeks for "tiredness" - this could free up some time for you to have to yourself & start making enquires. I'm hoping you could do this without telling your husband? You would still be paid, could drop off at school/nursery as normal? Or is he likely to check up on you at work?

Would you want to remain in the UK? I'm just wondering if you have any support from family or friends in Austria, could someone come over to be with you or help you leave? Could you confide in any of your UK friends?

I am sure you will receive lots of helpful advice & support from other ladies on here.

henryhsmum Tue 13-Sep-11 07:42:07

Your situation does sound horrible and I think you need to get out. You've had lots of good advice above so I won't add to that but I do know a lot about autism and the financial help you can get and you will get a lot of extra financial help due to your DS's autism.

My DS is 5 and has autism so I totally understand where you are coming from. But you will get more financial support because of it. Do you get Disability Living Allowance for him- if you don't that can be as much as £120 per week. It is a bit complicated - there are 2 types care and mobility and varying rates for each- i would suggest you find out if Your council has a benefits adviser as they will help you apply for DLA. The form for it is hellish and it is wise to get someone experienced to help you fill it out. Then if you earn less than £100 per week you get carer's allowance too which is £55 per week. If you stopped working as you are a carer to a disabled child, if he is on middle or high rate DLA you will also get income support and the rate of that is significantly enhanced if you have a disabled child. Also you get extra on your tax credits (up to as much as double) if your son gets DLA. If you google benefits adviser you should get a link to the direct.gov.uk website and there is an online tool to calculate what benefits you can get. I would also say that if you split up you can argue that the autism makes it difficult for you to work full time and hence you can probably argue for a greater than 50% share of the marital assets on that basis but the court will probably award you more anyway as you have children.

My other advice would be to make sure your DS gets a statement of special educational needs before he starts school as that way he will have any extra support he needs in place before he starts school (ie 1 to 1 TA or specialist school).

Hope that helps- it has taken me 2 years of my DS's autism to find all this out so I hope sharing it helps

joblot Tue 13-Sep-11 08:57:15

Your husband sounds like a complete bastard. You could really only be happier without such a malign presence in your life.
There are childcare facilities for children with disabilities, check with your local councils family information service.
Good luck and here's to your liberation.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Tue 13-Sep-11 09:02:18

Reach out for support. You know what you want to do, and you can call on help from many sources to get you through it.

- Friends to vent to. Speaking to RL people will crystallise your needs.
- CAB or solicitors for legal advice on where you stand.
- WA for advice, and for moral support.

You can do this. You can handle any problem you face.

viennesewaltz Tue 13-Sep-11 09:30:41

thanks for all your messages. they mean a lot to me.

lubeybooby, I would not want to quit work. it is only p/t and I think it is the thing that keeps me sane. it is my only opportunity to get out of the house, see and talk to normal people and do something that is not limited to housework and childcare. I really enjoy my job.

henryhsmum, thanks for your advice. have just recently applied for DLA (still awaiting outcome) and we I am working on the statementing atm. we got all relevant agencies involved (dev paed, salt, nursery...)

redvelvetpoppy, my family is very supportive (morally and they try to help also financially a bit though there are limitations). they would love it if I would go back home (but can't come over here) but going back is not really an option for me. have been away from austria for too long. don't have friends there anymore, don't have a job (where I come from, jobs are difficult to find and I would probably end up on benefits and I don't really want to do this). plus, ,my husband would never ever give me permission to move abroad with the DC permanently. I would need his consent for that ...

also, we are in the system now here with DS re his SN. it took me ages to get the ball rolling (being fobbed off by doctors etc... took forever to get him into speech therapy, have been on the waiting list for OT for over a year and still nothing...). going back would probably mean I have to start the whole thing all over again and I would not have the energy to do this and it would also set back DS as he needs a lot of support.

I am just so puzzled how I could get myself into such a mess. how could I not have seen the early signs (both my family and friends saw things right at the beginning but being in loved really clouded my judgement)... shit. shit. shit. I don't understand it.

have to go now... will be back in the evening.

CailinDana Tue 13-Sep-11 09:48:30

You sound incredibly strong. I honestly don't know how you put up with that level of abuse while holding down a job and looking after two children, one of whom has ASD. You must be absolutely exhausted. I'm not at all surprised that you feel so daunted at the prospect of leaving your husband. Even under the best circumstances with heaps of support it's a terribly difficult thing to do.

I would agree with you that it's probably not best to go back to Austria, at least not for the time being. That would involve far too much upheaval for you. Could you contact your Health Visitor? He or she would probably have some information for you about the help you can get. Also, please don't be afraid to lean on your friends. You say they're busy but people can really surprise you. Chances are one or more of them knows what your situation is like and is hoping and praying for the day when you say you're leaving. They might be only too glad to help you. If they don't help, at least you will have shared your problem with them and that will do you good.

Good luck, you are very brave.

HerHissyness Tue 13-Sep-11 09:54:48

I have scanned your OP, and will come back, I have to go to a group DV meeting, but I wanted you to know that I'm here for you too and will be back.

hang in there!

LaurieFairyCake Tue 13-Sep-11 10:03:53

Only one other thing to add - you didn't see it at the beginning as he didn't want you to. He is an abusive, nasty, manipulative, arsehole - he was never going to advertise that to you at the start.

This is not your fault and in your darkest moments you need to repeat that to yourself.

notsorted Tue 13-Sep-11 10:33:15

Do you still have a health visitor OP? Or can you talk to your GP? Is there an autism support group near you?
You need a break to get some space from this hell. I would go to GP and explain the problem and ask to be signed off for a couple of weeks. If you can avoid telling your H then do so. Or just say it is stress related. That will give you a little breathing space, time just to sleep and to think. Can you get some problem solving counselling just to get some advice if there is any way you can make things a little easier, ie someone to sit down with you and come up with some different ways of coping. But in the long term you don't have to cope with this. Keep posting, support is here for you too.

CailinDana Tue 13-Sep-11 10:38:18

I agree with the suggestion to take some sick leave from work. It'll give you time to get your head together.

lubeybooby Tue 13-Sep-11 10:42:07

Hi OP, ok I understand re: work... for me it's just an added pressure, but if it keeps you sane then could you just see if you could take some holiday or sick leave while you get this sorted out, even if only a few days or a week til things are settled... and please please speak to womens aid. Thinking of you

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