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I just feel so hurt and abandoned :(

(8 Posts)
jester68 Mon 12-Sep-11 21:30:04

Sorry this may be long.

I had a hard upbringing. My father was violent and emotionally abusive to my mum, and sometimes to us kids as well.

My mum finally found the courage to leave when I was a teenager but sadly suffered a nervous break down. With help and support she got through it and we were closer than ever before.

We lived together just us two from when I was 16. I had my first child while still living with her. Even though I partly wanted to move out I never did as she was scared of being alone and I did not want to abandon her.

When my child was 15 months old I moved in with my partner (it happened then as the private property me and mum were living in was being taken back by owner). My mum still stayed most weekends and sometimes for up to 2 weeks with us at a time. Other times I would go and stay with her in her new property. In a way I used to feel I had to as I knew she was lonely, plus still suffered with depression. She had also told me that it upset her that my siblings once they found partners never seemed to want to spend much time with her,especially alone so I always made sure we had just times together.

Last year she met someone which I was pleased about. First things she told me was that she still wanted to spend time together ,and this would not change. Gradually it has though. Now we can go 8-9 weeks without seeing each other. Though we speak regular on the phone she always seems rushed, as if she has better things to do. Both times she has recently been to stay so we can spend a whole day together for me have been ruined.

She arrived between 11.30/12. Her and her partner had a cup of tea then he offered to take us down town so we could spend the day shopping. First time he walked around with us for half of the day. Second time he stayed for the whole day and only when we were going back home did he go off. Its like she cant be without him.

I am now awaiting counselling due to sexual abuse from my father. My memories have only recently been coming back. I am having terrible flash backs and nightmares. Have been going on around 3 hours sleep a night as wake up so scared. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and am on some medication. I just cant cope and all I want is my mum sad I want her to hold me and tell me she loves me and that it will get better. All I get from her is talk about what day trips they have been on/how her neighbour is ill etc.

Even though I have asked for support and help she has not offered.

Sorry about all this. I know I sound like a selfish person but honestly I am not. I just don't understand why she has grown so distant from me. What have I done wrong? It seems that when she needed me I was expected to be there, but I am not important enough to expect anything from her.

By the way I am not expecting her to come and stay for days on end or every week etc. I know she has a life to lead. But surely expecting her to be there for me a little is not so wrong to ask??

Sometimes I feel like I should start to reduce all ties with her as at moment it is making me so sad and hurt.

I have no-one I can talk to. I spend all day alone with my baby until partner comes in from work. Only other people I talk to are a couple of mums on the school run but they are more friendly with each other.

Now I sound like a loser

FabbyChic Mon 12-Sep-11 21:39:20

Hey she has grown distant because she has met someone, she does not love you any less but she does see now that you have your life, and she now has a life of her own.

She was alone before so used you as her life crutch, when her fella came along she no longer needed that crutch and you in effect became redundant.

I'm sorry but that is what happens in life, it is not any reflection on how she feels about you, or you as a person.

She has moved on from needing you.

Write to her tell her that you miss the time you spent together just having girlie fun, tell her how hard things are for you at the moment.

Your dreams etc, are a form of PTSD.

I hope the meds are helping you, I myself suffer from severe depression but it has stabilised with the help of medication.

jester68 Mon 12-Sep-11 21:46:22

Thanks For they reply Fabby. They are starting to work slowly, with the panic attacks would ease off. Start seeing a counsellor on the 2oth so maybe that will help.

I have thought about writing a letter and have even drafted one but ripped it up. I love my mum, and I do not want to hurt her so not sure what to say. She has seemed to get defensive lately if I try and broach the subject.

And I do realise she has now met someone and is happy so probably no longer needs me- but I made time for her when I had met someone now. Right now I need her and I never thought she would not be there for me at all.

Oh well. I will struggle through like always.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Mon 12-Sep-11 21:59:26

You are not a loser. Far from it.

I think your mum is a very dependent person.

She depended on you from the time you were a teenager (which in my view was unfair on your young self, and a reversal of the parent-child relationship).

She guilted you into continuing to be her source of emotional support when you grew up and moved out (comments about your siblings designed to manipulate you into continuing to give her your time and concern).

Being dependent on close relationships may also have allowed her to stay too long in an abusive relationship with your father.

Now she has a partner who, by your description, is with her 24/7. Just what she wants: she can lean on him for emotional support now, round the clock. So she doesn't need you anymore.

It's a shame that she can't be there for her now that you need her. And it is very poor of her not to offer help that you have directly asked for. You are perfectly entitled to feel angry and hurt.

I am glad you will be receiving counselling soon. You might find you need to use the sessions to explore your feelings about both parents.

pickgo Mon 12-Sep-11 22:21:06

Why not try telling her again how you are feeling? Ask her to visit you on her own as you want to talk something over with her.

Tell her how you see things atm between you, how it is making you feel and what you would like to happen now. Try not to be blaming, focus on what you want. Keep talking un til you feel like she understands how you are feeling. If she doesn't respond at least you will know you've done all you can, but I bet she does.

SheCutOffTheirTails Tue 13-Sep-11 09:44:30

Your mother is an emotional leech.

She's bled you dry and now she's moved on to another victim.

The way she treated you when you were a teenager is appalling - she used emotional blackmail to stop you starting your own life independent of her.

Now she's moved on and she has abandoned you to the half life she insisted you maintain to make sure there was lots of room for her at the centre of it.

As hard as it will be, I think you should try to see this as an opportunity to free yourself of a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. You might be wise to seek counselling to help you process all of the hurt that comes of realising you have been used for years by someone who was meant to love you.

Make a life yourself without her. It's what you should have done years ago.

jester68 Tue 13-Sep-11 09:53:35

I know that I have made her sound totally selfish and heartless which was not my intention.

I do love my mum and know that she loves me. But it does seem that as soon as she met someone she wanted to share her life with I have been pushed away. Whether she has done this intentionally I do not think so. I think it is after years of depression she now has a future with someone she loves, and for that I am truly happy for her.

I just did not realise that because she had found someone it would mean she no longer be there for me.

I have always been the one in the family who has been there when someone needs help. If siblings have had problems I have been the shoulder to cry on, the one to offer them a place to stay.

Basically I must be some sort of loser to have allowed all this to happen.

SheCutOffTheirTails Tue 13-Sep-11 10:03:39

You are not a loser at all, but as nice as mother may be, she has used you.

She hasn't been there for you, you have been there for her.

Being the kind of person that people turn to when they are in need is a very, very worthwhile person to be - it means that people value you, trust you, take comfort from you.

But it seems that you have been brought up not to look after your own emotional needs. Now is your time to address that, and fill your days with new interests and friends.

You are right to be hurt - you have been treated shoddily and discarded in a very unfeeling way.

But that is not because of your shortcomings, it's because of your mother's.

Something that had been true for years has just become clear to you. Take time to process it, deal with the (entirely reasonable) hurt feelings, and change your life to accommodate your new insight.

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