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Domestic Violence - services for women and men

(64 Posts)
PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 18:09:34

Not posting this with any agenda, but I think it is good when someone remarks on anything that surprises me, so like to do the same.

Our county sends around a local magazine that provides info on local services.

Within the listing is included

Domestic violence - services for women
Domestic violence services for Asian women
Domestic violence - services for men.

I had not realised that DV towards men was so generally recognised and support services in place, so was somewhat impressed.

I know there is an argument that men are big enough and ugly enough to remove themselves from such a situation (and I sort of sympathise with that thinking) but surely by showing that anyone can suffer, it might eventually help remove the stigma, which can only be a good thing.

Are you aware of much support for people suffering DV in your area?

<<poncey gets off soapbox where she has probably been teaching grandmas to suck eggs>>

OberonTheHopeful Mon 12-Sep-11 18:28:09

I know there is an argument that men are big enough and ugly enough to remove themselves from such a situation (and I sort of sympathise with that thinking)

Thanks for that. I am obviously also stupid as well.

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 18:48:40

Well, sorry if I offended you, ( not sure if you are a man from that).

But hey ho, no offence intended.

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 18:49:28

actually to elaborate, as most men tend to earn more than their partners, and most men are stronger than their partners, that is why I sort of sympathise.

queenrollo Mon 12-Sep-11 19:01:30

My DH was the victim of DV in his previous relationship. It was a long relationship too. he didn't leave for all the same reasons women don't leave violent men. He loved his ex, she systematically ground him down until he thought he was useless and stupid and no one else could possibly love him. Every time she hit him it was because he 'provoked' her into doing it. She continued to have an emotional and psychological hold over him even after he left. If you saw my husband in his professional capacity you would not believe that he's the sort of man to tolerate that kind of treatment. She beat him and he took it. The last time (the last straw) he cowered on the stairs as she hit him. No matter how bad it was he took it and would never, ever fight back because 'you don't ever hit a woman'......
Why didn't he seek help? because he was 'big enough and ugly enough to remove himself from such a situation'?hmm

You've probably followed threads on here and seen how hard it is for a woman to mentally, emotionally and physically prepare themselves to leave a DV situation. Well it's no different for a man. In fact i'd say it's harder, because there is massive stigma attached to being a man who is being beaten by his wife, and there is far less support in place to help them.

I have spent two years of our 4 year relationship undoing the damage that bitch did to him. I had to rebuild him bit by bit. He's only just now stopped apologising for any tiny mistake he makes (or even thinks he's made) because that's how he came to behave with her.

Sorry if i'm ranting but DV against men is still a massive taboo.....I get very cross when people fail to understand how a man could put up with it.

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 19:16:02

I probably mean follow the logic - but of course I understand that relationships are much more complex than that. Anyway - I think it is a good thing grin

TryLikingClarity Mon 12-Sep-11 20:18:30

OP - I think your first post was naive in your generalising about men being big and strong enough.

Not all men all or strong, and also there is so many more complexities regarding DV rather than just the size of the victim or abuser.

Also, not all DV is physical violence. What about financial abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse etc? At the end of the day, men and women are both human beings and we are quite similar.

I work for a well-known DV organisation and I find your OP to be naive and lacking information. Maybe you could have a look online for more info to build your knowledge, if you're interested.

FWIW, I think your local area making those services known the general public is a fab thing.

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 20:35:46

I did not mean that I believed all men were big and ugly enough, more that I thought that was the rationale behind men not needing help with dv. And that I could follow that (flawed) logic, but that I also understood that relationships were more complex than that.

My view is probably skewed by my encounters are informed by women with visible injuries.

I do think the provision of these services is a good thing, so I don't think all men are big and ugly enough to solve the problem.

Anyhow, I am definitely not communicating well, so reckon I'll stop!

AnyFucker Mon 12-Sep-11 20:40:06

I don't think Poncey was pontificating her own opinions about "big strong men", I think she was merely recounting society's view as a whole

and she is right

there is still a stigma about DV against men

there is still a stigma about DV against women

they are both problems

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 20:49:11


I hate it when I cannot make myself understood?

OberonTheHopeful Mon 12-Sep-11 21:07:15

Poncey, thank you your clarifications. I did misinterpret your OP and I wish to apologise for that. And yes I think you (and AF and the other posters) are right in that anything that helps removes the stigma about DV for everyone is a good thing generally.

Services for men vary a lot around the country (my LA offers pretty much nothing), as I'm sure they also do for women. I have, however, noticed significant improvements elsewhere even in the last twelve months. My own injuries are only hidden by normal clothing. I would truly hate for anyone to go through what I have.

And maybe I need a new nickname. I thought mine kind of gave my gender away, but perhaps not!

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 21:11:54

So many daft nicknames, I try not to assume! (am not actually very poncey)

Am very sorry you have such experience and wish you better for the future.

OberonTheHopeful Mon 12-Sep-11 21:13:43

Thank you smile. MN has helped me a lot.

And I never assumed you were!

AnyFucker Mon 12-Sep-11 21:14:27

and I am not a fucker

well, not all the time smile

AnyFucker Mon 12-Sep-11 21:16:25

in fact people who perpetrate violence against other people are a problem

although I am massively vocal about DV against women, I do acknowledge men can suffer from it too

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 21:18:25

thread inappropriate grin

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 21:19:29

Agh! You posted again! Now I look a real git!

But I agree with you.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Sep-11 21:26:03

Poncey grin

Your timing seems a bit off this evening ...

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 21:29:10

I fear it is because I am half distracted by potc 4 and jack sparrow. Which is a shame as I am a stand up, straight arrow who just appears to be a git.

pickgo Mon 12-Sep-11 21:35:11

Nevertheless the fact remains that 95% of DA cases are where men are the perpetrators and the 100+ plus murders each year of DA victims are women... never heard of the statistic for men murdered by women involving DA?

In my area there are some good resources but they are very overstretched and you have to really go looking for them.... although the medical professionals seem to have a good awareness of what's on offer.

The national DV helpline is a good signposting service, when you can get through.

OberonTheHopeful Mon 12-Sep-11 21:35:36

although I am massively vocal about DV against women

But assuming you are a woman (it is impossible to infer from your nickname, but having seen your posts I think I have worked it out smile) this is perfectly understandable.

I'm not not in a position to do so right now (either emotionally or practically), but have discussed with the support worker I do see every few weeks or so the possibility of setting up a local support group for men if one still doesn't exist by then. She has told me that if she is still in her post she will help me do this. Yes, I have a bit of a problem with the way a public body (my LA) is using public money but if people like me don't get off our backsides little will change.

Poncey, for what my opinion is worth I don't think you're a git smile.

PonceyMcPonce Mon 12-Sep-11 21:37:49

Gratefully declares self git free zone.

AnyFucker Mon 12-Sep-11 21:40:52

Oberon, and I would be the first to wish you well in such an endeavour if you felt able to do it

OberonTheHopeful Mon 12-Sep-11 21:51:38

Thank you AF. I'm determined to make something positive come out of this.

Snorbs Mon 12-Sep-11 22:32:10

"never heard of the statistic for men murdered by women involving DA?"

I looked it up a while back - I think it was two to three men a month being killed due to domestic violence.

What's sad is that when male-on-female domestic abuse is discussed, the issues of emotional abuse etc are recognised as just as important and potentially just as damaging as physical violence. Yet when female-on-male domestic abuse is mentioned, it generally only focusses on physical violence, with many provisos of how it's not so serious as a big tough man can't really be hurt by a woman, and usually ignores other types of abuse (although I note TryLikingClarity's recognition of these factors).

For what it's worth, I absolutely recognise that violence in a relationship is much more likely to come from a man than a woman. And that's downright horrific. I also believe that emotional abusers come from both sexes pretty much equally.

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