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Insight or thoughts appreciated - new baby / relationship over

(5 Posts)
Teally Mon 12-Sep-11 16:51:48

I've spent most of my 30s with someone and the relationship ended after I got pregnant and had a baby. He still lives here though (complicated) but will leave.

I didn't want this to be my baby's role model for how relationships should be.

He is emotionally detached and didn't get involved with the pregnancy (wouldn't touch the bump, didn't talk with any enthusiasm about the baby.) It was a planned pg btw. A couple of minor things during the pg made me realise that I wasn't his no.1 priority, or at least, while other people were interested / concerned about pg/baby-related things, he wasn't. (It hadn't previously been an issue as I'm very independent/self-sufficient/ didn't expect much from him / had learned to be as he was emotionally absent really.) I sometimes wonder if he has Aspergers. he has no empathy, has no friends (or interest in having any) and finds emotional stuff awkward. He took a long time to say "I love you". He would avoid emotional conversations. If we argued (I argued), he'd ignore me and then a few days later say he had felt it best to not talk because I was upset and he was letting me have time to calm down(?!), although he knows, and I've said many times, that being ignored is the worst thing for me when I'm upset.

Where's this going?

Why did I get into this or let it go on so long? My mum has narc traits. I've always liked "a challenge" and have had no interest in guys who were too available. Is that it? Should I be delving into my psyche? I don't want another relationship.

How do I protect my baby from an emotionally absent parent? P's family have brought him up with no cuddles, no "I love you" from what he says (he denies remembering anything about his past if I ask about stuff maybe just he liked / enjoyed doing etc) He doesn't like sharing though, it could be just that.

BellaneyMimphus Mon 12-Sep-11 17:03:52

I think not being interested in baby things is not unusual. My dp wasn't (both times) - never wanted to touch the bump or anything. When the babies arrived he was fine - good. How has he been with the actual baby?

Does he do anyhting positive? What made you fall in love with him? I guess I live with someone who's fairly "unemotional" but he's really lovely, can be very thoughtful, good enough with the kids, so I don't see it as a barrier (more of an occasional inconvenience). He too is clueless in arguments.

Sorry, not being very useful, but I don't think it's uncommon to find this kind of character, but clearly you're finding it hard. What could he do to change, or is it totally over?

Teally Mon 12-Sep-11 17:04:36

Last pap should be

(he denies remembering anything about his past if I ask about stuff that he liked / enjoyed doing etc) He doesn't like sharing though, it could be just that.

janajos Mon 12-Sep-11 17:11:04

MY DP has some of those traits and I do think for men it is harder to identify with the baby before it is born. HOWEVER, my DP loves me and cares for us and he absolutely adores both his son and my older DC from a previous relationship and in his quite matter of fact way, shows in practical ways that he cares for us all.

Can you start to show your DP how to relate to a baby by giving him some practical things to do? Bathe the baby, buy necessities for him/her etc. take him for a walk, rock him to sleep etc...

Hope this helps

Teally Mon 12-Sep-11 17:23:19

It's totally over, neither of us want to continue the relationship. He only admitted this when I forced it out of him though (his actions, or lack of, spoke volumes, he just wouldn't verbalise it unless forced to, that's the extent that he avoids emotional conversations).

The "not being interested in pg / baby" thing, I haven't explained it. I did think it was disappointing but not a calamity at the time. Now though, it's more obvious as he just doesn't "get" the emotional side of parenting. Literally, if the baby's physical needs are met (not hungry / clean nappy etc) that's it. A baby needing social interaction or a cuddle is a foreign concept.

He admits that he isn't thoughtful. For example, if he walked past a sign saying "free stuff for people called Teally" he'd not think anything of it. If it came up in conversation later, he'd say "sorry I didn't think."

I can't remember why I fell in love with him, though for the first year he maybe put in a lot of effort to be sociable etc. After that it went unemotional. No affection or chat beyond factual stuff (no chat about hopes and fears / likes or dislikes etc from him.) I suppose he's what used tobe called the strong, silent type.

He is good at practical stuff.

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