I think my DH will leave me now (bit long but am really upset)

[stdorothymantooth]

I am a regular poster here but am using a different name. Basically, I have been married for 3 years and have a beautiful 8 month old DS.
Years ago befire we were married my finances were a complete mess, Dh and I managed to sort it out and paid off my debts. (so I thought), Since having DS we have struggled financially, not helped by one thing after another going wrong (having to replace washing machine, oven and now car has packed up) After paying off debts DH basically said if there was anything else he would leave me.
DH was going through our finances and closed the account on his two credit cards to get them paid off and considered getting a loan to get them paid off, one bill rather than three iyswim.
He applied for a loan on our joint account and we were declined. The bank assistant told me it wqas because of something on my credit report (im not sure she should be discussing my credit report with my DH but thats beside the point).
So, I got a copy of my credit report and it turns out there are still 3 left to pay off (just under £1200 in total), i had no idea, I havent been chased for any of these, no letters, phonecalls, nothing.
DH is now asking for a copy of my credit report so he can "see what the state of our finances are" and I am shitting it, I have foolishly been putting it off and putting it off, now he has asked me to do it tomorrow night (hes working late tonight), and I am so scared, because like an idiot i have been avoiding it, he will never believe I didnt know.
I am so scared, I love him so much and I dont know what to do.

[RattusRattus]

Hmmm. So it's been a pricey time because you needed to buy a washing, machine and oven and get the car fixed and on the basis of that he said he would leave you? Surely these were necessary expenses rather than mere frivolities, in which case he's being ridiculous to threaten to leave you over this.

What are the other three and how long have they been outstanding?

[midnightexpress]

This is an old debt, though, yes? It's not as if you've been racking up debt since you both sorted out the other debts? If so, then I think your DH should understand, and you need to work out what to do about it. If I were you, I'd try and think of some constructive suggestions to bring to the discussion.

It sounds from your OP as if you are a bit scared of your DH and not behaving like an equal partner in the relationship. You need to gain some control of this situation. What can you do to pay off the debts? It sounds as if you may need to clear them in order to sort out your credit rating, if not because you're being chased for them.

[stdorothymantooth]

rattusrattus they are two credit cards and a phone bill, and have been outstanding for three/four years.

[midnightexpress]

And yes, I agree with rattus about the fact that he's being unreasonable to expect that you can do anything about things like washing machine breakdowns. That's unavoidable, not your fault, and you shouldn't let him suggest otherwise.

[stdorothymantooth]

midnightexpress Im not being chased for them, thats one of the reasons I was really surprised as I havent he ard a peep.

[midnightexpress]

Yes, but it looks as if you'll need to pay them off in order to get your credit rating clear, iyswim?

[Wisedupwoman]

Lovely, he won't leave you, he's probably just scared of what else might hit next. If you don't have a whole lot to play with in the first place anything unexpected can seem much bigger than it need be if you do as the other posters suggest and budget.

The irony about credit cards are that only by using them (sensibly, mind) can you get a credit rating in the first place and I think it's important for you to have one just in case you ever need it. You could always try Citizens Advice, they have specialist financial advisors for people in debt, they help sort out a manageable debt scheme and will approach and broker a deal with your creditors. That way both you and your DH could feel like it's less all your problem and more something that many, many couples get into.

Hope this helps.

[stdorothymantooth]

sorry, I get you now midnightexpress Im just terriffied. He's always had a much "holier than thou" approach to our finances and will ask me pretty much everytime when I take money out the bank what I have done it for, though thats pretty understandable under the circs I suppose.

[midnightexpress]

Do you work? I mean is this something to do with spending 'his' money? I'm just concerned at your use of words like 'terrified' and your descriptions of his behaviour. I think you need to feel like you're in control of this, not that it's something he controls. And by 'this' I guess I mean the relationship, as well as the money...

[Imnotaslimjim]

Please try not to worry

I've been where you are now, but much, much worse. I didn't pay the council tax and had bailiffs on the doorstep. He had already threatened to leave me for having debts he didn't know about, so I was bricking it. he was lovely though, and stood by me while we sorted it

If the debts are 3/4 years old, he'll be able to see that it isn't a recent thing and obviously if you haven't been chased for them then its easy to think everything is sorted out. Just tell him, i'm sure the reality is nowhere near as bad as the anticipation

[stdorothymantooth]

midnightexpress we both work full time (though I am so worried about this I'm not really doing any work),

[midnightexpress]

OK, well then that makes it easier to make a plan. Come to the table with a suggestion of what you are going to do to pay off the debt, even if it's only slowly.

And as the others say, the anticipation of how awful it's going to be is usually much worse than how it actually is. Try not to worry. In the end, it's only money. Your family is much more important. You need to clear it and move on.

[stdorothymantooth]

I know its a bit of an aside but how much can banks share with spouses, should they have told him, am considering complaining but not sure if I can.

[petisa]

Well you do have joint and several liability for anything in both your names so he does have a right to know about your debts I'd imagine.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

If you haven't moved house since the debts were accrued, and if the companies haven't been chasing you, are you certain that these sums weren't paid off when your financial mess obligations were sorted out?

Present your credit report to him as something you are genuinely puzzled by, and go through your previous muddle together to make sure that these monies are outstanding and aren't simply due to lack of communication on the part of the companies and the credit agency.

As these are 'historic' debts which haven't been caused by your profligacy during our marriage, it would be grossly unfair if your dh took you to task over them.

However, in the unlikely event that he were to leave you and his dc, your dh would find his income reduced by considerably more than £1200 - remind him of that little fact if he shows any signs of going into one.

In the meantime, what you don't need is to lose your job. Keep your mind on your work and don't sweat because, unlike some of life's challenges, this matter can, and will, be resolved.

[suzikettles]

Look, this is a good thing. If this hadn't happened you'd still be in ignorance about the debts and have them hanging over you.

I understand why you're upset, but burying your head in the sand got you here and only by being upfront, proactive and honest with your dh will you get out of it.

Don't waste one more minute thinking "should the teller have shared this with dh?" - if she'd just told him the loan had been declined with no further details then you'd still be in exactly the same position.

The debts aren't old enough to be time-barred so it's neither here nor there that you haven't been chased for them, they'll have to be paid. It's unfortunate that you forgot you had these credit cards, but again, that's water under the bridge and the good thing is that when you've paid these off it will all be sorted.

I've been in your dh's position and in frustration and worry have probably said similar things to dh, but at the end of the day we are a family and we stand and fall together. As previous posters have said, this is not new debt, just the reopening of a chapter that you thought had closed. It will be ok.

Please don't put off the inevitable any longer. Front up to dh, contact the providers and come up with a payment plan. It will be ok.

[suzikettles]

Good point by izzy - companies can fail to remove a debt from your record even if it's been paid so there's a chance that it's a mistake - your dh will likely know if it was him that sorted out the debts before.

Do you think it's a mistake, or deep down did you know about this and think they'd just gone away. Do be honest with yourself and your dh, I know when we've had money problems its lack of honesty that hurts the most.

[stdorothymantooth]

I genuinely thought we had paid everything off. Thats another thing that bugs me I feel so stupid.

[Helltotheno]

OP would you call yourself a bad money manager? I only ask cos a friend of mine, a very clever girl actually, is so awful with money that her then boyfriend (now her dh, they're v happy) had to take over her whole finances and manage it all for her/get her out of trouble. He now controls the finances because of that, but he is not controlling iyswim.

Being a worrier about money myself, it's really hard to understand how you had a debt of 1200 and forgot about it, cos I'd be so conscious of it that it'd be on my mind until it was paid off. But I can accept that it happens to people.

It sounds like your dh is (understandably) stressed out about finances, though he's unreasonable to have a go at you about household expenses that aren't your fault.

If you think you're a bad manager of money, it's probably best if he looks after things for while?

[eaglewings]

Contact CAP or another charity that helps you think through debt and which to pay off first etc before taking out another loan

As for your relationship, would you find it easier to write down what has happened and how you feel than tell him face to face?

The marriage vows normally include the words for richer or poorer, sadly you are discovering what this means. If he is worth having he should see this through with you

[captainmummy]

I'm quite surprised that these companies aren't chasing you for 3-4 yer old debts - credit rating agencies DO make mistakes, and the debts might well have been paid off, just not removed from their records.

And yes, if he does move out, he'll find it a lot more expensive to pay child maintenance and spousal maint. It's a lot more to maintain 2 households.

[SnakeOnCrack]

Have you contacted the phone company and cc companies to confirm these debts are still outstanding? Have you moved without letting them know, is that how you have missed the bills etc do you think?

Either way, it's fixable. You can pay off a bit each month for these bills. Your husband will be cross (I think I'd be cross in his shoes if my oh had "forgotten" a few large bills) but I'm sure he won't leave you over it, that would be an overeaction, and you could remind him it would cost him more in the long run financially (not very romantic but at that moment I'm sure he wouldn't be feeling romantic!). Try not to fret too much.

[mumsamilitant]

"He's always had a much "holier than thou" approach to our finances and will ask me pretty much everytime when I take money out the bank what I have done it for"

Having a go about white goods breaking down?

Not sure though that I'd like my DH to have quite such a hold over me when all's said and done. They are "old debts" and easily sorted if you work. Sounds like a bit of a control freak to me to be honest whose using the "money" thing in a power way.

[knitknack]

If you haven't had any contact regarding these debts for six years or more, then you can't be chased for them anyway, and they should be taken off your credit report (you'll need to chase the credit report people though)...