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Pregnant & alone..advice needed plz

(8 Posts)
BelleRomford74 Mon 12-Sep-11 10:25:38

Hi, I am 37 years old & 4 months pregnant, the pregnancy was'nt planned & came as a result of casual relationship. It was a mistake on my part as I got my dates wrong for my contraceptive injection, I am now happy about it & excited but the Dad is far from that!! I knew he would'nt be happy but his cruel attitude has shocked me, he simply refuses to acknowledge me (we are neighbours!!) & has not spoken to me for 10 weeks!! He can just walk right by me in the street & just look away. At 1st I was so hurt but now it just makes me angry & I am at the point where I can think oh well it's his loss but it is such a hard situation. Financially I can't afford to move home nor do I want to. Our last conversation he insisted no one was to know it is his baby & he does'nt not want to be on the birth cirtificate, I said I can't put his name on it if he is'nt there but I will not lie to the child & if the child comes looking for him in years to come he will have to deal with that, he said it's ok he will tell it to f@@@ off!!! I honestly thought he was just shocked & angry with me & would start to come round to the idea but he has'nt!! At 12 weeks I sent him a note asking him to think about things again as it looks like this is going to happen now I am 12 weeks, no reply!! I tx him a scan pic also no reply.. my dilema is this do I keep trying to raise his interest in this child or give up? From what he has told me about his parents they would be happy to have another grandchild he won't tell them but should I? I have tried so hard to keep things amicable but I am so hurt by his attitude do I have a right to be angry? He has 3 other children but they don't live locally he sees them a few times a year & I know he was devastated when the mum moved away with them, I do wonder if he is scared of getting attached to our baby & me doing the same but I have told him I would'nt & am a reasonable person & we could work out an arrangement where he could see the child whenever he wants etc.. I just want my child to have a Dad... What should I do? friends all seem to sit on the fence & say do what you think or give him time!! thanks :'(

AnyFucker Mon 12-Sep-11 10:30:37

I think you should back off and prepare to bring this baby up as a single parent

Anybody that can ignore a woan who is pg with his child, and tell you to deny it's existence doesn't deserve you trying to facilitate a relationship with his child for him

His loss

Maybe he will come around later, maybe he won't. But it has to be his decision, not one you chivvy him into.

Detach, look after yourself and your baby. That is all that matters here.

babyhammock Mon 12-Sep-11 10:42:43

Personally I would try and move away and then stay away. Concentrate on looking after you and your baby. He sounds a complete tit.

HairyGrotter Mon 12-Sep-11 10:53:57

My DD has only ever walked past her father once, and he looked her in the eye whilst pushing is newborn daughter.

DD is the result of a casual relationship, and I was told that if I were to be seen in the street, I would be punched in the face (by the father).

You cannot make him love his child, keep the door open on communication for him, but don't force the issue. He may well come around, but be prepared to do it alone and FUCKING LOVE IT! It's wonderful, really is a beautiful thing, BUT is hard sometimes.

Surround yourself and your child with people you love and love you back. Carry on with your head high and do what's best for you and your unborn baby. Enjoy the pregnancy, despite the shit that comes with it, it's lonesome but rewarding.

HairyGrotter Mon 12-Sep-11 10:55:54

Also, please please don't think it will be horrendous for a child not to have a dad. What would be worse? A dad forced to spend time with a child through guilt and obligation, or a child secure in the knowledge that they are loved by one parent enough?

maledetta Mon 12-Sep-11 13:03:18

My DS's dad sounds rather like Hairy Grotter's DD's, sadly. It's taken me a good 18 months to realise that this man isn't going to come good and honour his promises to be there for his son, even if he plays Ace Daddy to his other children.

But, in the end, any man who is capable of treating his own child this way would probably only be a damaging, destabilising influence to that child. Studies would seem to show that the damaging thing for children is conflict and instability, rather than the absence of a dad.

So our job is now to ensure that we create a happy, stable environment for our children and ourselves. Sod the fuckwits- they just don't matter.

Re: the grandparents- I would tell them. But do steel yourself for rejection- they may come through for the two of you, or they may utterly refuse to acknowledge this inconvenient fact. Leave the ball in their court, but be prepared to set some ground rules if they do come knocking.

And come and join us on the Lone Parents' forum! There is usually a thread or 2 going on about lone pregnancy- in fact, here's one I started: Pregnant and doing it on our own (sorry, I'm too technologically inept to do a link!). I also started one called: What's worse- no daddy or nasty daddy? (general verdict: no daddy!).

Good luck- keep posting! xx

BelleRomford74 Mon 12-Sep-11 13:10:10

Thank you everyone & I know you are all right, I just need to "man-up" & get the strength to look right through him they way he looks right through me!! This baby is far too precious (lost a daughter 3 years ago aged 2) & I am going to enjoy every second of it!! I have very supportive family & friends so we will be fine especially now I have found mumsnet!!! smile

HairyGrotter Mon 12-Sep-11 13:11:42

Take care of yourself, and lean on those that care for you. Your baby is very lucky, and what a gift they will be smile

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