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self pleasure rather than me?

(68 Posts)
paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Mon 12-Sep-11 09:40:45

It might just be me being overly sensitive, and don't get me wrong it's not every night, but is it normal for a man to want self pleasure rather than a bit of fun with the wife every now and again?
I was feeling a bit needy as he'd been doing family business stuff till nearly 1am the night before, so I was asleep and didn't even get a cuddle, then next morning our 2 youngest DC's were up at crack of dawn so i took then downstairs, no chance of even a snuggle up then.
I have issues of rejection from childhood and past, I'm the first to admit it, we are having counselling to help him understand and me to try and get over it, but I feel so fucking ugly and disgusting that he wasn't interested in me, just went up for a shower and to please himself.
When we got into bed he wasn't very cuddly but being the idiot that I am tried to initiate sex, he tried but was able to really finish as he wasn't feeling well and was obviously already done.
I know i have issues, big ones, but feel so shit over this and just need to know if this is what men are like from time to time.

niceguy2 Mon 12-Sep-11 09:50:54

Put it this way. It would be a bit strange if a man DIDN'T 'self pleasure' occasionally.

It would be strange if it were every night, it would be destructive if he did it instead of regular sex with you. But as an occasional thing yeah it's normal.

Men are lazy. Fact. And sometimes, the whole seduction, foreplay, huffing &'s just seemingly too much effort when you can just have a quick hand shuffle and be done. It's not really a replacement for sex. It's just quick relief.

As I often say, you show me a man who doesn't masturbate and I will show you a liar. (cue lots of ladies saying oh my man never would......)

HairyGrotter Mon 12-Sep-11 10:01:46

Suppose it would depend on the amount of times this scenario plays out. Is it often? Once in a while? Have you spoken about it to him?

TBH, there have been times where I'd rather use my vibrator than have to bother getting it on with DP, but that because I was in a lazy mood etc.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Mon 12-Sep-11 10:24:35

Thanks for the honest replies. I think it's more the fact that I already felt disconnected from him and made it clear I wanted to be intimate. He just wanted to get up to the bathroom, made me feel crap. It's not a regular occurence no, just affected me badly last night/today.sad

cecilyparsley Mon 12-Sep-11 11:21:24

it is a bit of a bummer when one person feels a need for physical intimacy and the other just isnt up for it, but it's no-one fault.

Seems to be that wanting a bit of quick relief from diy and wanting to have sex with another person can be fairly different things. What I mean is him not wanting sex doesnt mean that you're not attractive, it just means he wasnt in the right mood for sex.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Mon 12-Sep-11 13:28:20

Yes, I get it more now, mostly my rejectment issues. I suppose i just felt the need for physical intimacy to help feel reconnected with DH. All day yesterday we hardly had any quality time, with DS at football in the morning, me at home with DD's cooking sunday lunch, then the inlaws arrived for late lunch stayed for a few hours. Bath time for the DD's and DS, then a mountain of ironing in front of a film. In the same room but not time to reconnect and feel close. Probably needed a cuddle on the sofa but uniforms etc are a must.
I just felt it so acutely when he went up, was very obvious and even though I gave him a big hug and a little 'tickle' blush off he went. I obviously need more work on my abandonment issues and to stop feeling like crap and just get on with it.sad

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Mon 12-Sep-11 17:20:32

Ok, he knows all about my rejection and abandonment issues, yet has arrived home knowing I'm feeling v low about life and not come near me. Where's the decking wine!

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Mon 12-Sep-11 17:21:23

Fecking wine, and decking smartphone, not!

Spuddybean Mon 12-Sep-11 21:02:29

I think it's out of order if someone actively turns down sex because they'd rather masturbate.

i understand people in relationships do, when the other is out or not in the mood. But if i said to DP 'oh lets go to bed' and he said 'no thanks i'm going to wank', i think i would leave.

Personally, If either can't be arsed for the whole thing but are randy/want to connect (very often after work), we just sort the other out and the they have permission to lay back and enjoy it!

Have you suggested less full on activities which can be equally satisfying?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Mon 12-Sep-11 21:08:50

Says its because he didn't feel well. Headache & nausea.
I have major rejection issues and seem to be having all the wrong buttons pressed ATM
Going to retire to the mental health section and wail for a while I think. He just doesn't get it at all.sad thank goodness for spelling autocorrect on my phone tonight;)

FabbyChic Mon 12-Sep-11 21:25:56

Its relief not sexual gratification. If he wanted sexual pleasure he would come to you, when he wants to sneeze with his cock he tugs it, it is really nothing to do with you at all.

Malificence Mon 12-Sep-11 21:32:27

He's adding to your rejection issues by having zero empathy.
Giving cuddles and reassurances takes no effort at all, it doesn't sound like counselling is having much effect on him tbh.

People saying it's normal male behaviour , are spectacularly missing the point, as usual. hmm

How did you actually know he was masturbating in the shower?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Mon 12-Sep-11 21:53:24

Thankyou malificence, you get it.
Not quite a normal masturbate. Used a fleshlight stamina training unit, supposedly feels better than the real thing to help increase performance. When will he realise I love him exactly as he is, thinning hair and sex no matter if it's 3mins or 30mins. Fecking midlife crisis is going to finish me off. I know he'd used the damned thing as he was so desparate to get upstairs before my bedtime and his bottle of lube was less full and he couldn't really perform or finish when we tried. I'd previously asked him not to let it replace me as I felt awkward enough about it. He's embarassed and doesn't ever Want to talk about it. I don'tthink he has a problem but he worries and got this damned thing. Marketed as a performance training aid, but also as the best male sex toy on the market.
I feel as if I'm not good enough or useless. It's not a regular occurance don't get me wrong, just feels like crap at the moment.

HereIGo Mon 12-Sep-11 23:40:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoppaRob Tue 13-Sep-11 05:28:17

I think niceguy2 summed it up well. The biggest male role-model/mentor in my life was my godfather, who was full of earthy wisdom. He told me when I was a young teenager and hoping to become sexually active soon "Robbie. The most over-rated thing in the world is bad sex, and the most under-rated thing in the world is a good crap. The good craps are worth looking forward to."

janajos Tue 13-Sep-11 07:12:16

How do you know that is what he was doing? Could he not just have been having a shower?

janajos Tue 13-Sep-11 07:14:17

Sorry, just read the toy thing! What an idiot.

AKissIsNotAContract Tue 13-Sep-11 07:22:05

If he's using a toy to enhance performance maybe he's worried about not being able to satisfy you, which is putting him off sex. It sounds like you both need to communicate with each other about your needs and insecurities.

Malificence Tue 13-Sep-11 08:00:40

I'd put itching powder in the creepy looking thing. wink

He's the one with the issues, not you - namely being an inconsiderate, selfish twonk with the emotional intelligence of a slug.

Do you really buy the "trying to improve his performance" crap? It sounds like he's trying to avoid any emotional input with you, what a great way of destroying a fragile woman's self esteem, making it obvious that he'd rather shag a piece of vagina shaped silicone than have real sex with her. Nasty.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 08:35:25

Gawd, I'm with Mal on this

OP, I am so sorry

what the Hell is this guy playing at ?

if I disappeared off to have fun with my "best vibrator on the market" instead of having nice sex (which would not necessarily mean penetrative sex, it could be MM or any variety of stuff) with my DH I would consider the intimate part of my marriage to be over, hence my marriage would be over

and I am not one of those people who thinks masturbation has no place in a relationship...of course it does

but this ?

he deserves to have his bags packed and a note to say "enjoy your new life with Ms Fleshlight, hope you are very happy together"

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 13-Sep-11 08:50:06

It was recommended by a premature ejaculation help site, but I'm pretty sure he's had fun using the damn thing. He always has a 'valid' reason for the things that upset me so much.
I've reached the point where if he doesn't emotionally evolve past amoeba with the help of relate and learn to support and not emotionally trash me all the time, I don't know if I can keep going. I'm just glad I've got the kids to keep me going, without them I'd be in a very dark place right now. It's definitely twilight at the moment though.sad

windsorTides Tue 13-Sep-11 09:11:49

Have I got this right OP?

You were up till 1am on Saturday night dealing with family stuff, then you got up at dawn with the DCs on Sunday morning. You cooked lunch for 7 of you and entertained your in-laws, then you did a huge pile of ironing.

What was your H doing all this time?

Is he a lazy, selfish man in most areas with regard to you then?

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife Tue 13-Sep-11 09:15:28

No, he was up till 1am, I went to bed early as I knew the girls would be up early. He tidied downstairs and does do lots round the house. In fact considering he works full time he does loads, he is v good that way. It's the emotional stuff that's awful, to the point of breakdown now really.

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 09:39:35

that is the crux of it, really

so the Fleshlight is recommended for PE problems

ok, I could go with that (for a while)

so why the lack of affection and intimacy (not sexual, just the being kind and afffectionate to you) ?

is he scared you show him affection, you will "pressure" him into sex ?

is upsetting you his way of keeping you at arm's his cock's length ?

he is a pillock, and immature beyond all belief

unless you are a horrible person who has ridiculed him for his PE problems he has no right to shut you out like this...this is your sex life, he needs to remember

AnyFucker Tue 13-Sep-11 09:40:46

sorry, if he shows you affection, you will "pressure" him into sex

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