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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Shouldn't he WANT to see me more than this?

25 replies

BluMoon · 12/09/2011 07:53

Ok been seeing someone since April time. It's a bit awkward as we both work full time and both have children living with us. We said we'd take it slowly regarding the kids so as of yet, we have not met each others and as his DD is starting her GCSEs etc we felt it best that we leave that until a less stressful time.
So currently we see each other properly once a fortnight when my children go to their father as well as on our days off and he'd also pop down for a coffee etc if he was working late so on average we were seeing each other twice a week which was fine.
However just lately the texts/communication is pretty thin on the ground (sometimes he'll go a couple of days before getting in touch which is unusual for him) and now he's started making excuses for the times we used to see each other. For example he's working late today so would normally have popped down to mine for a coffee. Yesterday however he said he's "catching up with housework" this morning so won't be coming down today. His day off is wednesday (as is mine) yet he's said that he's going down to his dad's wednesday to work on his car.
To top it off, the next weekend he's supposed to be coming down ("our" weekend) he's said he's working late and won't get here until 10.30pm. What's the point in that??
Is this a natural progession for a relationship after 4/5 months or is something up?

OP posts:

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Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/09/2011 07:55

He is not that into you, sorry. I would end it rather than waste time.

noddyholder · 12/09/2011 07:57

He sounds married?

BluMoon · 12/09/2011 08:07

Nah he can't be married Noddy. I've been to his house, there is definately no woman living there lol

I did think he's just not into it anymore and gave him a few opportunities to say so, even suggested we cool it for a bit and he gets all defensive and says he doesn't want to do that as I'll end up going off with someone else!

Also he keeps saying stuff like "I can't wait until we can go on holiday together in a few years" so he must be considering us lasting a while? or is this just something they say when they went to hold on to their weekend shag for as long as possible? because that's what it's starting to feel like tbh. That I'm good for a saturday night and not much else.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/09/2011 08:13

I think you have it. The arrangement suits him.

He doesn't really want you, but he wants you available for sex. Which if he was upfront about it and you wanted the same would be fine.

AMumInScotland · 12/09/2011 08:30

Sorry yes, he's not really committed to this relationship. He just finds you convenient. He doesn't want you to go off with someone else who you could have a proper relationship with, because then you wouldn't be around on the odd occasion when he does want your company.

Up to you if this is enough or not.

BluMoon · 12/09/2011 08:54

That's what I thought. I think I need to become less available myself then if that's the case. Especially on Saturday nights!

OP posts:

clam · 12/09/2011 08:59

Well there's taking it slowly re: meeting the kids and then there's this! His DD is starting her GCSEs? So that's another 2 years? to go? My DS is halfway through his course and I don't see any signs of stress (I wish! Far too laidback if you ask me!) - maybe next April/May time but not now.

As said above, he's just not that into you. Ditch.

BluMoon · 12/09/2011 09:02

Yes she's only just gone into year 10, I did think that when he said it to be honest plus when she finishes hers, my DS will be "starting" his - so do we say 4 years then? it's all a bit silly isn't it

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 12/09/2011 09:03

Do you want to be available at all? Make sure you think through what you want out of this relationship. If you're happy with just seeing him occasionally on this basis, then that's fine. But while you're doing that, you may be missing opportunities either to have a social life in other ways (friends, evening class, activities you enjoy) and/or of meeting someone you could have a more significant relationship with.

If what you have with him is better than not having it, that's fine. I'm probably biased because I've never stayed with anyone when we were just drifting along like that, and prefer being single to that level of relationship.

But that's me and you're you, so you need to think about how you are happiest!

clam · 12/09/2011 09:37

And after GCSEs there'll be A' levels.
Your relationship is stuffed, sorry.

cecilyparsley · 12/09/2011 11:28

kinda sounds like he wants to call the shots and have it all on his own terms.
If someone cancelled in favour of 'catching up with house work' I'd be tempted to cancel next time in favour of watching paint dry.
nah just dump him, how dare he choose housework over a hot sexy woman like you!!

tadpoles · 12/09/2011 11:44

"he's said he's working late and won't get here until 10.30pm. What's the point in that?? "

Weekend shag!

Bloody cheek! Can't even be arsed to buy you dinnner first.

BluMoon · 12/09/2011 11:58

tabpoles that's exactly what I thought about that! I mean, arriving at bedtime? you couldn't get much more obvious could you.

And thanks Cecily

OP posts:

Ephiny · 12/09/2011 12:13

It does sound like the current arrangement is convienient for him, he's getting what he wants and feels no need to change it. It's up to you to decide whether you're happy being a casual girlfriend indefinitely, or if you're hoping for the relationship to develop into something more - in which case I think you need to have a talk!

Ephiny · 12/09/2011 12:14

I wouldn't play games, making yourself 'unavailable' etc, just talk about it honestly.

buzzskillington · 12/09/2011 12:17

Yeah, the housework excuse is just rude. You're his regular shag and that's it, I agree. If you're not happy with that, ditch him.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/09/2011 12:43

I can't wait until we can go on holiday together in a few years

What is he doing? Saving up to take you on a slow trip around the world?

As for his not wanting to cool it because you'll 'end up going off with someone else', this is male-speak for 'you're okay for a shag until I find a better place to park my dick, at which time I'll drop you like a hot potato'.

I agree with Ephiny that you need to talk honestly, but there's no need to spend endless hours labouring the point as 'Fuck off and don't bother to contact me again' is as truthful as you need to be.

MangoMonster · 12/09/2011 12:51

I think you've got him sussed, without our help.

piratecat · 12/09/2011 12:51

i think he's met someone else. just because you didn't see any evidence of a 'wife' in his house doesn't mean he's not diverting his attention elsewhere. He's dividing his spare time between you and another methinks.

BluMoon · 12/09/2011 12:55

Pirate I did suspect that actually. I don't know why, something is just telling me he has something or someone else occupying his mind right now.

OP posts:

Ephiny · 12/09/2011 13:01

That's a bit more blunt than I was thinking, izzywhizzy . Though I can see how it could get to that stage!

I would wonder too if he's met someone else, especially if this is a recent change in his behaviour and he's suddenly 'working late' all the time and making various lame excuses for not seeing you.

goatinacoat · 12/09/2011 13:06

My instinct is that he's trying to keep his options open, maybe by internet dating or something. Hence him being reluctant to introduce anyone to his dc's. If you want anything more than the scraps he's currently offering you (and you sound as though you're worth a lot more than that) then I'd move on.

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izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 12/09/2011 13:45

Life's far too short to compromise one's expectations for tossers, Ephiny, and I somehow don't think his mind is fixated on car repairs.

I suspect that he'll be spending Wednesday awooing and if he gets his legover with his new shag lurve interest-- the OP will receive a late call saying he can't make it as working on his big end has left him exhausted.

If he gets rebuffed the OP can look forward to a night of unbridled passion as he shags her while fantasising about the one that's playing hard to get or, more probably, the one that's had the good sense to tell him to get lost.

2rebecca · 12/09/2011 14:31

Agree that any bloke who would rather do housework than see me would get dumped, unless his mother was coming round the next day unexpectedly. With the other stuff it does sound as though he isn't that into you. kids can be a handy excuse for keeping someone at arms length, if you really like someone then they get to meet your kids after a few months and you'd not be delaying joint holidays for several years. Life is too short to put relationships on hold, unless you both just want occasional sex.

mumsamilitant · 12/09/2011 15:21

All of he above and if its not right for YOU then its not right.

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