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To all members of THE HEARTBREAK CLUB - women affected by men who simply walk away

(71 Posts)
Punkatheart Sun 11-Sep-11 19:21:42

Of course I am fully aware that there may be complex reasons why men walk away from their families. However, as I read heartbreaking story after heartbreaking story - I am astonished how men can simply disengage - from women they have loved and more peculiarly, from a child or children they may have produced.

As some of you may know, I am in the same position at the moment. A total shock - a warm loving and responsible man, stressed by work and the responsibility of looking after me through numerous cancer treatments - snaps and walks away. He says it is forever and of course I am powerless to control our destiny together now. His daughter has said that she does not want to know him and he has accepted that.

Today I am a little stronger but I know it never lasts. I have been suicidal and every night I have lovely comforting dreams that we are back together. Then I wake up and I am drowning in grief. Anyone in the HC will understand. The desolation, the betrayal and the sheer breathlessness of what your man has done. There may in some cases be another woman - which must add to the pain. This is not the case for us - his emotions are all gone for anyone. I am a burden to him. His child is a burden. But I do believe he is having a breakdown - that I must leave him alone to miss us, to realise where love is and will make him happy. But it will be his choice.

The solidarity of women and their help, their kindness in the face of horrifying emotional pain, has been the thing that has kept me from going to the station and killing myself. That and the thought of the poor driver seeing my ugly mug splattered on his window.

I am sad that there will always be a Heartbreak Club and that more and more women seem to have joined. Some will mend and some too will regain their trust and the men will come trotting back like hens at dusk. But the fox is life, or another woman, or the freedom of being single. If they are taken by that - then they will not return.

Some days I am, as the poem says, drowning and not waving. But today when I am strong - I send out all my love (yes love) to all of you suffering, crying and maybe holding your children trying to explain why this has happened, what the future holds.

I hurt. I hurt so much that I wish there was another reality, into which I could slip quietly. Or that the earth would fold itself back and envelop me without fuss. But for now I must walk and I must keep as strong as I can muster.

I just wanted to say this, in some way of comfort and I hope, understanding.

destinationzero Sun 11-Sep-11 19:28:13

I'm so sorry. Reaching out to give you a (( hug ))

Stay strong, you have so much life to live, please don't waste it.

lubeybooby Sun 11-Sep-11 19:37:10

I read that nodding my head along and wincing at how accurately you describe the pain. I'm in the HC. Things are starting to improve but it's very slow and painful progress. Hug and a knowing, sympathetic nod from me x

amicable Sun 11-Sep-11 20:51:32

I'm in it too and share all of your feelings. Sending you an enormous, understanding hug xxx

seriouschanger Sun 11-Sep-11 23:29:53

I met you punkatheart on the troll thread and I was shocked...I was pregnant when ex walked out on me but your situation is the hardest I have readsad

Dreaming about being with that person is actually part of the grieving process and your brain healing your broken heart. So this is good as you are expressing it in sleep too. Don't forget when you sleep your body repeats every action it did that day so the tense anxious stressful time is being released at night.

I never bothered with ExP when he walked away for another woman when 5 months pregnant. He did try and come back for 5 minutes when OW dumped him for one weekend....but would never forgive anyone for that and said no.

I think I would have moved on better though if the spineless turd actually left me be....ex moved abroad but still hassles us 8 yrs later....mainly through bullying and still I don't respond (well cant as needed evidence to get ex sent away).

In a way I hope your ex does leave you be as out of sight/ear etc out of mind does eventually happen. It is so damn raw though now for you.

Did he give you any warning ie like saiad he was depressed etc...or just go like my ex?

I have read a lot about this behaviour and NPD does come up 'ME, ME, ME' person....or psychopath where once they have used you/no need for you they through you away like an empty can.

Most men would not leave a partner until birth/treatment finished as they have a sence of not wanting hurt the person....but these men are cold, no empathy, don't care about anyone ele's feelings and are forever well immature.

Does your ex have a weird relationship with his mum too? Just extra thing I noticed about ex...it is more than mother/son it is practically like husband/wife iygwim.

It is a rollercoaster, take every day or even minute by minute....you are grieving when you should be think of No.1 but someone didnt possibly like you being centre of attention and threw his rattle out of the pram and stormed off!

drfayray Mon 12-Sep-11 04:25:17

Me too sad. Heavy sigh...a member of this club. I have posted in Relationships and received such kind support and advice. I am very sad today. He came at the weekend to pack his stuff and to sort out money. OW it was.

My heart is very heavy today.

Punkatheart Mon 12-Sep-11 06:40:48

Thanks to you all and so sorry that you are in this club - it may be exclusive but it is not the easiest one to join. I had been worried about my OH for a while - the strain of work had made him strange and uncommunicative. But I didn't think that he wanted to leave. Until he did.

Extra hugs for you drfayray. I understand your tender heart. Cry my love. I am crying this morning after so many lovely dreams about my OH, where we resolved things and we were happy.

Breathe. Look at the sky. We hurt. But we can be here for one another. I am speaking privately to a lady and her lost man is coming home. That at least makes me happy. A wise man, clearly.

vole3 Mon 12-Sep-11 07:05:00

Sending you hugs and hope you will return them.

The one thing I have noticed having been forced into joined this club is how many of my friends who are also members have now chosen to live alone. They might see people, even have them stay over, but have decided that actually living with someone again would just leave them open to heartbreak again. That makes me sad, as I fear that is what my future holds.

Punkatheart Mon 12-Sep-11 20:49:32

Hugs to all and particularly vole3 (who quite rightly demanded 'em).

Yes, I am really considering being alone now - I will never be able to trust again.

Bad day today. Cried all over the nurse giving me my Interferon injections.

Keep busy - that's the secret in the HC.

More hugs!

seriouschanger Mon 12-Sep-11 21:05:45

velo3 this is a very true case for me. It is not only men i do not trust but me as I don't trust my judgement anymore.

I did actually get talking to a lovely man 3 yrs after we split up and I don't know what would have happened if I gave it a chance...but it was my experience of ex walking like that was a sharp shock that hurt very very deeply and could not develop a relationship with that man.

Of course I am over it now as 8 yrs down the line but that man ruined mine and ds life...as the way he acted so cruel I never will meet a man I deserve or a dad for ds who loves him and possibly a sibling that ds and I yearn for.
Once bitten twice shy !!!

takingbackmonday Mon 12-Sep-11 21:06:11

Signing in sad

seriouschanger Mon 12-Sep-11 21:10:28

Punkaheart I was doing a degree when ex left me so really threw myself into studying.

If I were you I would write a book as you will find real experience brings the best out of our talents....could be a best seller!

Punkatheart Mon 12-Sep-11 22:08:25

It makes me very sad to hear about lovely people afraid to trust..because of the actions of one selfish person. But of course I am also completely shocked and unable to trust now. In 20 years, you would think that you know someone? How indeed can I now trust my own judgement?

Worse still is my immediate family, who treated my OH like a son and are so terribly hurt. They keep asking why and have taken it so personally.

I hate mornings most. I dread them. Also, I do wish I could stop crying.

rightchoice Mon 12-Sep-11 22:46:57

My mantra during my own hearbreak when my husband disappeared without explanation many years ago was.......Got along without you before I met you, gonna get along without you now....... I sang this to myself over and over after someone phoned to say he had bought a house with another woman, he calmly waited for the house completion and disappeared. I eventually carved out a beautiful new life after my heartache, and loved it ever since. Oh by the way many, many years later after his second wife left HIM he had the nerve to find me on Friends Reunited and emailed to say sorry! He is now on his third marriage!

seriouschanger Mon 12-Sep-11 23:19:23

Punkheart it is loss and as loss you will go through the repetive cycle of denial/anger/upset/acceptance and back around again in all different orders.

8 years later and I would not blink for this man...I have no feelings left as cried them out those years ago...it would have been easier if he had died. You hate the person and cannot tell them...very frustrating! Also the 'why' questions never get answered and this is where we blame ourselves....

All I can say is my life is far better without this mouse than if we stayed together. They are actors with masks...hiding themselves...Robert Hare book on Amazon as about 30 pages you can read about psychopaths....this is the nearest to what my ex is no empathy...and all your stories here too your ex's had no empathy no regards and no love and switch on and off like a light bulb.

You dont want to hear this ladies as doesnt seem possible but you will get over this person one day (not cry over it or even feel angry) took me 4 years but it is the never dropping my guard and never trusting another man again I have never got over 8 years later and don't think I ever will.

Punkheart try and take yourself out of your shoes and say your friend is you and her h just did that to her.....this is so so wrong.....he is the lowest of the low and you deserve a million times better! If this means being alone rather than with this empty soul then you are millions better off.

suburbophobe Tue 13-Sep-11 02:17:10

Lovefraud is a good website about psychopaths. Just reading the blog helps.

Yes, I agree, after all these years, my life is better without him, cos frankly I don't want to spend my whole life with a spineless man with me running around for him. Sooner or later these men will up sticks anyway.

When it's so raw tho, it hurts like hell, hugs to you all!

Mr Right Now is where I am at these days if I meet a love interest....

vole3 Tue 13-Sep-11 06:54:45

Did one positive thing yesterday, invited myself to Christmas with my brother and his family.

I haven't spent a Christmas with my family in 19 years due to location and working in the NHS (public holidays - what are those?).

Think I will tell X sometime in early December. He chose to leave us for the ordinary days, he can be alone on the special ones smile

Does mean DS will not see his other Grandparents for that time and miss his Grandmas' birthday, but they will catch up at New Year.

I am making sure we will be busy and spending Christmas with people who love us.

windsorTides Tue 13-Sep-11 09:13:49

Punkatheart, can I ask why you are so sure that your H hasn't left for another woman? It is the usual explanation after all, as this thread proves....

Punkatheart Tue 13-Sep-11 09:57:45

There is no woman involved. He is an emotional cripple at present. His doctor is currently exploring reasons for his behavioural changes. He was on the verge of a breakdown. I don't think that a man necessarily leaves for another woman - although I understand that if that is the scenario for a lot of people, their view will be deeply coloured by that thought. He does not want to be with anyone- sexually or emotionally.

Men can leave without being propped up. Saying that, he is living now with his mother - so I guess he is in some ways being propped up. He is in a terrible state and his daughter hates him. But it is a hell that he has chosen, sadly.

windsorTides Tue 13-Sep-11 10:09:09

Yes, but men often display the symptoms of a breakdown when they are living a duplicitous life - and some of them exaggerate these symptoms because it's a good cover-story for what has really caused their departure. Also just because he's living with his mother doesn't mean he's not in a relationship.

You have checked this out haven't you? I mean, you're not just believing there's no-one else, because he denies it?

At the very least, I think women in your situation need to rule this out to their complete satisfaction, because if it turns out that there was another woman after all, this is going to hit you like a ton of bricks later on when you might otherwise have been on the road to recovery. Better IMO to find all this out now, than to risk going into a meltdown later when you realise that you actually felt some sympathy for what you thought was a mental health crisis. The anger you will feel then (at yourself as well as him) could absolutely floor you.

Punkatheart Tue 13-Sep-11 10:18:05

i don't want to be rude - but I am so fragile at the moment that I simply cannot cope with anything else. People constantly carping on about the other woman is really not helping. We have been in counselling and all this has been discussed. I really don't want to have that in my head as well.

Every case is different and ours is what it is. This is a highly successful man who has cracked through the pressures of work. And yes, I do know that was working long hours at work because he works in the film industry and he was always contactable. On a landline. By long hours we are talking about getting up at 5am and sometimes getting home at 12. Then he had to cope with a difficult teenager and a woman with cancer, often too tired to make dinner.

Plenty of reasons to leave. I am trying wishing now that the cancer had spread and I had died. Then at least my daughter could have had a father.

windsorTides Tue 13-Sep-11 10:34:33

Certainly didn't want to add to your heartbreak OP and am sorry for you having to deal with this on top of health issues sad. Perhaps I'm just applying a business-type logic to this - you know, if a machine breaks down the first thing you check is that the plug is working. I think in these situations, it's always best to rule out the most likely cause, but if you can't face that right now and think it'd make you feel worse, then that's fair enough.

seriouschanger Tue 13-Sep-11 12:20:22

(((hugs))) Punkatheart can you join a support group for your illness? So you have people who understand as in your shoes and support each other..it would be good to have it in RL so you can hug/cry/laugh together....you need that or from a friend/family member. Have you any siblings/cousins who can help to give you a hug....will cyber hugs do???smile
When ex left me a concentrated on my work....I had lost my BB and my grief for my brother was far greater than losing a spineless twunt! So concentrate on getting yourself better for you and no one else....you are worth a million times more and thankfully your teenagers were not left with a father that would walk out on them too when they needed someone the most (if you had died) look at it like that...as this man you call a father would have not supported his dd's as he is too selfish!
I think reading about why these men just decide does help us understand so will look at these websites.

seriouschanger Tue 13-Sep-11 23:26:26

super that site is realy good...it helps knowing I am not alone...the book I read was Without Conscience by Robert Hare...this when I realised this type of individual was a psychopath.

I read some of the stories...so similar...trying to con my home off me, then dropping me like a hot potato when I didnt do something he wanted...I scored 35 on the test for 'am I a target'...highest risk...I know I am a risk and that is why I will never trust my foolish decisions again and will remain alone for rest of my life...sad as 29 when I was last in a relationship and was young enough to start afresh but too crushed by the damage ex left and continues too....ex may have walked but still tries to control my life through threats and keeping me in a fearful state.

kipperandtiger Wed 14-Sep-11 00:23:34

Punkatheart - I am sorry to hear what you and your daughter are going through.
I guess I am now a member too, as is my DC. It is really rotten when they can just walk away and not appear to feel bad (or maybe they do but don't care enough to do anything about it) for their child/ren. He sort of slowly been walking away shortly after our DC was born and he wanted us to move house to a different county, far away from my friends and social support. And he has continued do so since. He took a job abroad so that he could use the excuse that he was working rather than leaving. Then he hinted to me this week that he was going to talk about legal proceedings this weekend. I have been trying to work on the marriage with him for the last four years but 90% of the time he does not want to work on it - he seems to believe that working on a marriage means that a wife should work hard on her ability to give in and agree to everything he wants, including who the family sees and how much money she is allowed to spend (he even takes away the small amount of income I get, now that I am an SAHM).
Part of me wonders whether he is jealous of his own child - before we had a family, he was a totally different person, and our relationship was really like a fairytale - just the two of us, always lovey dovey, never a serious problem even through the ups and downs of 7 years of marriage and that life brings. Well, it certainly was too good to last.
I tried to hold it together and encouraged him to seek counselling or help with me but he refused. It is now getting to the point where I wonder if I should try to end it sooner rather than later before our Reception-age DC gets old enough to understand what divorce and abandonment really means, and be seriously traumatised by it. Already, it is having an effect on DC's ability to settle into school. I am more bitter about it than pining after him as he is no longer the same person as the man I married - I sacrificed so much for him: moving abroad, changing my religion, being apart from my parents and family (they are just a plane ride away, but it's still a long haul flight) and now I have to deal with the fallout of whether I return home to family and familiar surroundings (having to uproot my child) or whether I stay in a place that feels very alien to me - I can literally count just one friend in my local area (God knows, literally, I have tried)....all the others are in our previous city, two hours' train/car journey away, so I hardly get to see them. Neither option is really great.

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