Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
does your dh swear at you during arguments?(94 Posts)
have name changed for this one and have cross posted to AIBU as I am getting pretty desparate and am struggling to work out whether it is me or him that has the problem - probably both I guess - please do not all just say "leave him" as I do not want to. (That is why I did not post here originally)
I just want to know what is normal for other couples (ie there is a big spectrum and I want to know what is on it IYSWIM).
When we argue (often - at the moment several times a week as are both working stupid hours and not getting much sleep) dh will often shout f*ck off, f*ck off" many times and/or call me an f*cking bitch. He also sometimes invades my personal space whilst making very aggresive facial expressions. He has never actually hit me but did once (about a year ago) say that he wanted to "push a glass in my face".
Sometimes I can see that I do provoke him (ie I am far from perfect ) but other times he will lose it because I do something wrong (eg bump the car or get a parking ticket etc - he will shout that I have "s*it for brains" and get really cross (we do not have financial problems so it is not the money - more my falability that he gets angry with - he will shout and shout about my being careless/not thinking/not caring about (my) car etc etc.
He does keep promising to stop but appears (after 15 years) still unable to. Have bought him various books on anger management but he doesn't like what he refers to as psycobabble. Also I dont' want to drive him to a heart attack by making him "bottle it all up" too much.
Anyway I just wanted to know if anyone else has a similar partner - how normal is this?
It's not normal. What about marriage counselling, or even anger management.
I think your partner is an abusive man
I know you don't want to hear it, but he is
Stay with him if you must, be be aware he is an abusive man who uses verbal violence to diminish you
To answer your question, my DH has never sworn at me in anger nor called me names. If he did, I would think he had had a lobotomy overnight.
It is not normal and not acceptable, no matter what guff he gives you about driving him to a heart attack
I don't think that's normal. I'm sure there are plenty of women putting up with abusive partners but it doesn't make it normal or mean that you should have to tolerate it.
Well some of what you say is on the normal spectrum IMO - I have told DH to fuck off on the odd occasion - but we don't namecall. Well, I did once call him a fucking selfish prick but he'd done something unspeakably thoughtless to his mum when she was unwell and it was thoroughly deserved, a statement of fact rather than abuse!
But shouting at you at length, for a mistake, including namecalling "fucking bitch" and "shit for brains" for eg is not really ok or normal. Nor is voicing a wish to hurt you physically. I think 3 arguments in a week is a lot.
Doesn't sound normal to me.
A loving couple support each other and laugh together over things like bumping the car when getting a ticket.
Does he make you happy, really? Does he make you life better? Does he make your life easier? Do you feel he respects you? Do you respect him?
DH and I have had exactly 2 arguments in all the 13 years we've been together, and never, ever sworn at each other.
Behaviour like you describe would be a deal-breaker for me.
Being in a relationship should be about mutual support, respect and enjoying each other's company. If you're not getting those things, what on earth is the point?
No my ex husband used to as he was a wanker but DH and I would never swear at each other. But we are built like that, he will not argue and we are both big on talking to each other respectfully so just doesn't happen.
Sounds like he has no respect for you - would be the end of the relationship i someone called me a fucking bitch.
Did he ask you if you were ok when you bumped the car ?
I have bumped the car a few times, and DH's first and last concern was that I wasn't hurt in any way
he has never once called me stupid for doing it
No, no and thrice no.
I thought it was going to be a few bloodys and a ffs, but your OP describes really horrible treatment imo.
Not normal, not acceptable.
More interesting question is why do you stay with someone who treats you like this?
My dp has a temper and does swear much more than I would like. I cannot recall him ever telling me to fuck off, although in the heat of a row he may have. I know he has never called me a fucking bitch. We are both quite firey ( is that a word) charactars so I always thought we rowed more than most people but even when we have been close to splitting up it was never several times a week.
getting annoyed and getting angry are different as is being frustrated.
lets be absolutely clear here. he is doing these things to intimidate and scare you.
this is quite different from an outburst of frustration.
in answer to your question. yes dh does swear at me - but then he doesn't scare me and i tell him to go fuck himself.
this isn't about swearing - do you not see?
this is about scaring you
Custardo explained it well. It's personal, what he's coming out with.
he is fine when not angry - he helps with a fair amount of housework, helps with the kids etc. He knew I was all right when I bumped the car as he saw me before he saw the car. I think that he would be concerned about me if not but once he knew I was okay he'd then flip about the car.
He has always lost his temper easly about appears to be getting worse but this could be because the general life stress is getting really bad (both having to work far longer hours for less money etc - as with everyone I suspect)
He has started to blame me for things which really are not my fault which I think is making it worse (as he now has more reasons to shout at me) - eg when a bin bag broke it was my "fault" for putting the wrong things in it; if he trips over somthing and breaks it then it would be my "fault" for puttign ti there whereas if I did the same then it would be my "fault" for being clumbsy.
I have started to think of it as verbal abuse but am struggling with where to draw the lines - how do I know that I'm not causing it? How do I know what is reasonable?
>...why do you stay with someone who treats you like this...
children who would be devestated if we split up and I could not do my job (which I love and which keeps me sane) without him (unsocial hours and low pay).
He does scare me though sometimes now but I don't know if that is me over reacting - he has always been like this but it is only in the last 6 months or so that I have started to feel scared.
How would you be causing him to do this? He's the one choosing the abusive language, surely? He's an adult, capable of making his own decisions? You cannot be responsible for his choice of words.
No, I don't think it's in the spectrum of 'normal'. It's in the spectrum of abusive and dysfunctional. Not what you want to hear, of course.
I did something stupid the other day and dh was justifiably pissed off with me, but you know, he didn't shout or swear at me, he just dealt with it and a bit later gave me a hug cos he knew I was upset about fucking up. I really hope that that is normal.
so you are his verbal punchbag then ?
is this the example you want your kids to see ?
I have just reread your post and the "shit for brain comment" which is something my dp would never say. Custy is right, it is the fact that he is scaring you.
After my dp's mother died we had a really tough few years and my dp didn't grieve, he doesn't really do emotions. He became an utter twat and was slipping into becoming abusive and I was starting to be nervous and jumpy around him. Looking back we both were on the verge of complete breakdown. We went to counselling, we couldn't go to relate as I read on here they don't work with couples where abuse is a factor.
I gave dp a timeline and said that he had so long to change his ways. I arranged somewhere to live etc so I was serious. We did manage to turn the behaviour round ( for both of us - I am no angel) but I am not sure if it could be "fixed" after 15 years. But even in that period which was very dark and to my shame lasted for a few years he never spoke to me in the way your dh did.
please don't do that thing where you say "the kids don't see it" and "he is a good dad really"
and he isn't
My ex yelled at me and blamed me after we had a crash on the motorway. It wasd 'my fault' because I wouldn't let him drive faster than the speed limit and if he had he wouldn't have been in the spot where the van went into him because he was trying to race it like the utter pr*ck he was. And when they breath tested him, it was my fault as he'd had to have a couple of beers earlier on because I made him so tense.
The children may be very upset if you split up. But if you stay, you are teaching them every day that this is how men treat women, this is what women deserve. Really horrible and corrosive lessons that may fuck up their chances to have a healthy loving relationship with another adult on the future.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.