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Can't stand my DH - but he won't listen

(53 Posts)
littlepiglet Sun 11-Sep-11 09:55:41

I was just wondering if anyone could offer any advice, as I feel so utterly miserable (though I know my problems are pathetic compared to others).

I posted before about how my DH didn't seem interested in sex, something he vehemently denies, and when we argue about it (talking gets me nowhere), then he does have sex, but straight after it's back to as before - and I cannot take it anymore.

We've only been together for two years (we have a DD whose a year, and I'm 7 months pregnant). We didn't marry because of DD, we'd arranged the marriage before we found out I was pregnant; it was a shock as I'd been told I couldn't get pregnant, and was nearly 40 yrs old.

Sex has never been a problem in our relationship (& we've had a few problems). It'd always been great, so I'm really confused as to how rubbish being ignored is making me feel... and how his dismissal of a problem is making me incredibly angry with him.

We're having intimacy maybe once a fortnight, not always sex & always after an argument.

I understand that men don't find pregnant women attractive, and have allowed for that, however, that is his problem (and which he denies), and tbh he never had a problem last year.

The other night I really wanted him (sad I know). I'd jsut had my hair cut & coloured (costing a small fortune), and I've been making an effort in dressing up, doing make-up etc. He ignored me. He came up when I was asleep... but in reality I was laying there crying.

I came downstairs as I can't bear to lie there next to him, when he doesn't want me.

He followed me downstairs & shouted at me to go to bed. He was quite aggressive (though didn't hurt me - he did sort of slap me but not hard, but it made me cry more). He then left the room and came in being all nice, and decided to talk - whist pointing a video camera at me. He questioned all the nasty things I said to him (and I did as I was frustrated at him ignoring me & making me feel hideous & unlovable). He was all nice, he said that he thought I wanted to sleep, that he'd come up with me earlier the next night, that he loved me so much, but it was my "head" that made me feel like this, not him.

So last night - well he let me go upstairs, while he watched the tennis, had coffee, played on his laptop, and came to bed late - again! I was nearly asleep, but he asked me to kiss him goodnight - which I refused.

I just feel awful - obviously he lied on camera - looking to be the calm voice of reason, whilst I was a crying hysterical mess... but the words were meaningless, and still he ignores me.

I've told him several times that I want to split up - I'd much rather be a single mother than live in a loveless, sexless sham of a marriage, but he won't entertain it - he just says it's my head that's the problem... but I feel so fucking hideous... surely if he is in love with me he'd show it?

He doesn't like walking around town with me - always walks behind, always ogles other women (always younger), and always makes comments about how he finds 50yr old women unattractive - I'm just over 8 yrs off that!

RabbitPie Sun 11-Sep-11 10:07:06

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RabbitPie Sun 11-Sep-11 10:07:30

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GreenEyesandNiceHam Sun 11-Sep-11 10:12:39

This is fucked up, you know that right?

littlepiglet Sun 11-Sep-11 10:18:18

I don't get the video camera - it upset me more.

He's used it before during arguments - we both lose control and say things that we don't mean though I do during them, and voices are raised. He then regains his composure very quickly & brings out the camera. I'm still het up, crying and emotional, and cannot be like him (all calm and reasonable), and am acutely aware of how I appear on the damned thing. I think he uses it for proof of my state of mind tbh.

He's also kept every text I've sent him whilst in a mood, and every email. As if building a case against me... whereas I very much wear my heart on my sleeve & although I'm quick to anger etc, I'm always quick to forget too (always have been), so feel very uncomfortable with his behaviour.

As well as not wanting to walk with me (although on camera he said we'd be holding hands if it weren't for me having the pushchair), he's also got a cartoon avatar on facebook, has hidden all photos of us, and my posts don't appear on his wall (well they do to me, but not to his friends), whereas he used to have a photo of us, and used to allow me to be lovey dovey on there, I just feel like he's embarrassed of me - surely not right if you love someone.

To be honest I feel as if I'm going mad. I need a more loving relationship, and this doesn't feel like it.

He's good around the house, he does the washing (I don't do it right), he does the dinner at night when I put DD to bed... so maybe I want too much.

I did say to him that I understood why his ex had an affair - which is what instigated his anger - but tbh I do... if he ignored her, like he does me, then I can see why another man making you feel lovable would be seductive

Doha Sun 11-Sep-11 10:18:29

He seems to have used the video to gather evidence on how reasonable and kind he has been to you. But anyone with a brain cell would be questioing his need to record this instead of comforting you. That alone gives his behaviour away.
Think carefully what you want--he sounds abusive. He can't make you stay married to him. Perhaps plan your exit over the next few months, get papers photocopied, bithcertificates etc, save a bit of money.
Have you sat down and told him how you are feeling --does he take any of it on board?

Notchattingnow Sun 11-Sep-11 10:18:50

He sounds uncommitted to the relationship atm, but he doesn't want to admit that and he wanted to record himself being reasonable with you for later on.
sorry.
I think you should see solicitor and tell him you are divorcing him, he doesn't have a choice about that.

LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 11-Sep-11 10:21:14

littlepiglet this guy is an abusive shit and you are struggling with the contradiction between words and actions, and his inconsistency.

Hitting you at all in any way, even "a sort of slap but not hard" is physical abuse. You are getting what we on the Emotional Abuse survivors thread call the "Spaghetti head mess" where you can't think straight because he has reduced you to a gibbering half wit, then he looks calm and the voice of reason and says it is all your fault.

Come over to the thread and read some of the links, and take time to be very kind to yourself today. There are plenty of us who understand and will support you. And do it for your babies, they deserve better and so do you!

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Sep-11 10:21:23

He sounds absolutely crazy.

Get out as soon as you can. Go to see a solicitor tomorrow and ask about the legalities.

You poor thing. He is trying to torture and manipulate you. You must end the marriage.

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Sep-11 10:22:58

And although him videoing you must have been awful, who does he think he's going to show it to? Just the fact he's videoed you at such a time is a sign he's a complete lunatic. Nobody, nobody is going to watch that without saying "Why did you film her, you twat?"

LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 11-Sep-11 10:24:37

This thread

Squitten Sun 11-Sep-11 10:25:29

He's deranged and you need to get away

post Sun 11-Sep-11 10:26:01

No idea what the legalities are, but as soon as he brings the camera out I'd just keep repeating, I do NOT give permission for you to film me, stop filming me please. Not much case for him being reasonable to be built out of that.
He sounds completely mad.

DecapitatedLegoman Sun 11-Sep-11 10:31:58

He is mental OP, and tbh it sounds like he's already screwing with your mind a bit - WTF is so great about a man who does the laundry if he won't walk with you, "sort of" slaps you and films you during arguments ... that is just bizarre, wrong and totally dysfunctional stuff.

The (lack of) sex thing is a complete red herring IMO and you need to stop focusing on that and look at the big picture - you need to get away from him.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow Sun 11-Sep-11 10:32:25

This man is cruel, abusive, and seriously fucked up.

He's being cruel and manipulative about sex, keeping you on the back foot and in a begging position.

His verbal and physical aggressiveness towards you are abuse.

And recording conversations when you're worked up and upset and he's behaving calmly, keeping e-mails in the same situation, is seriously fucked up. It is also further evidence of abuse and manipulation: he wants it to appear that you are unhinged, when it is his treatment of you that is intentionally getting you confused and upset.

I know how hard it is, but you need to detach yourself emotionally from this man. Stop wanting him, stop needing him, stop thinking that he's a good and loving man who just behaves badly on occasion. Your desire for him to be a good man and husband is keeping you locked in to this terribly unhealthy relationship.

He is clearly not a good man or a good husband. Please accept that you deserve better than this cruel, abusive, messed-up treatment. He won't ever treat you differently, however much you want him to. Just get out.

DecapitatedLegoman Sun 11-Sep-11 10:34:30

Also, please think about your DD here. If you don't make a move to get away from him she will grow up thinking it's normal for people to have relationships like this. Believe me, she may be too small to take much in just now but it comes around quick. Pack. His. Bag.

thisishowifeel Sun 11-Sep-11 10:38:37

What an evil piece of shit. This creature has some serious, I mean serious mental health shit going on, that you can't do anything about. In the meantime, get yourself and your babies OUT of it.

Check the links at the top of the page re: domestic violence. And join us on the EA thread please. x

BelleDameSansMerci Sun 11-Sep-11 10:38:45

Get the 'evidence', if you can, and destroy it... That seems quite sinister to me - have you ever asked him why he does it?

His behaviour is exactly what does drive someone to consider/have an affair. If someone comes along who gives you the attention you crave it would be hard not to respond.

I've been in two relationships with men who withold sex and real affection. It makes you feel like you're worthless and unattractive. If you can, get out now.

thisishowifeel Sun 11-Sep-11 10:43:03

Don't worry about the videos. Anyone he shows them to will think that he is a total lunatic for making them in the first place!

Normal people simply would never even dream of doing such a bizarre, weird and cruel thing. He's hoisted by his own petard with the videos. Don't worry. They are evidence AGAINST him!

buzzskillington Sun 11-Sep-11 11:00:12

He is an abuser - emotionally and physically - a slap is not acceptable. You need to get the hell out.

You don't need him to agree to a split, you don't need his permission to end the relationship. You get to choose who you have a relationship with.

Call Women's Aid.

CailinDana Sun 11-Sep-11 11:03:00

The filming thing is one of the creepiest things I've ever heard <shudder>
When you've got to the point where you're no longer thinking this is dealbreaker then you know someone has seriously fucked with your head. Time to get out. Now.

LittleHousebytheRiver Sun 11-Sep-11 11:09:30

littlepiglet you may be feeling a bit shaken that we have all said the same thing.

It's not you it's him!

You will take time to process this. That is ok. Have you got a RL friend or relative you can talk to? Could you go and stay with someone for a few days while you think about it all? Most of us took months to get out even after we understood we were being abused, and that itself is a huge step.

Detach detach detach. What he says is just noise as Madame Ovary says.

Spuddybean Sun 11-Sep-11 11:13:02

just agreeing with everyone else - the filming is extraordinarily, sinister, bizarre, creepy etc. I would have smashed it the first time he brought it out. It sounds as if he is setting you up for something. Provoking an argument, getting you worked up, then filming it.

It is psychological torture or a plan to discredit you should you leave - either way it is beyond nasty and he needs some major help introspection.

i would leave/kick him out...it's just too too creepy

HerHissyness Sun 11-Sep-11 11:23:10

jesus christ piglet, you need help in RL.

Do you have any trusted friends/family that would be able to listen to you, and perhaps even help you get out of this?

Can you please call women's aid? Their number is 0808 2000 247 and if you can't call from the house/landline (free) then get 0800 Wizard It'll use your minutes on a mobile for iPhone, Android and Blackberry.

I have used this app a few times, it works.

littlepiglet Sun 11-Sep-11 11:26:33

Thank you all, your posts have made me cry more - mostly out of realisation that you are all right.

He didn't want the baby we're having - in fact he was adamant I should abort it, so I'm kind of wondering if he's just gathering evidence to show that I'm an unfit mother, and he will want to keep both kids.

I gave up my own HA house to move into his, so in a way he holds all the cards in that way (his house is a HA too, and the tenancy was transferred from a joint one with his ex, so I doubt that it could be transferred again, so in a way I feel bereft having lost everything).

I have asked him not to film me & asked him why he does it, and he just says to "show" me! Which in all honesty I don't believe.

I have bipolar & he's convinced my CPN, my psychiatrist & even my friends, that I'm overly paranoid, and "nuts". It was only when I showed one of my friends photos he'd taken on his willy (he took about 20 of them) that she believed me. The photos were supposedly for me, yet he never sent them to me, even in front of my psychiatrist he said he'd taken a "few" and I was paranoid.

Another thing he did was to leave me when 7 months pregnant with DD, to go on holiday, alone, abroad. He did this again when DD was 4 months old... and I've been grateful for him not doing it this time.

I've never met his parents, as his mum has mental health issues (this is true), and was horrible to him and his siblings (who I've never met also ). Ive never met his friends, bar one, who confirmed how ill his mum was, but after I met this friend DH unfriended him on facebook, and made me do the same.

I don't think he's having an affair, I'm almost certain of it, not in a physical sense anyway, as he's with me nearly all the time

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