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He's gone, kids are poorly, i don't know where to turn!

(39 Posts)
littlemissliedto Sun 11-Sep-11 01:03:14

My DH has left me.

He has left behind his 15yo daughter my DSD, our DS who is 5 and our beautiful 7 week old DD - what a mug I must be as I really didn't see it coming. He has someone else, since Christmas apparently. I feel numb. I found out by accident (overheard a conversation while i was in ITU after a complication of the birth and then went through his phone), though he looked relieved and packed his bags. He couldn't get away quick enough, though he emptied our joint account on the way out!

My baby DD has been diagnosed with CDH so needs an op next week to have her hips broken and reset. He's told me he'll check with "Joanne" if they have anything planned and will "try" to look after the other children but if it comes to it, doesn't see why i have to stay at the hospital - nurses are there to look after my DD! Not only that but when she has it done she will be in plaster (from chest to ankle) for at least 6 months and I don't know how i am going to manage. He won't help me.

DSD mum doesn't want her back. DH can't have her with him (he isn't ready to tell the children about Joanne yet!) and she wants to stay with me. I don't mind, I love her and so do my kids. The shame and humiliation, i had to phone her mum and tell her he'd left - she insisted on details and then phoned him and gave him a bollocking.

Kids back at school this week and of course, I'm hot gossip. 2 poorly kids (my DS just got a diagnosis he is deaf and has had hearing aids) and her husband has walked out, any1 know why?!? You can all imagine.

I am angry (with him), I am scared (for my DD and this horrible op and that my DS may get bullied for his hearing aids). I don't want her anywhere near any of my kids. He isn't being helpful he sent me a text tonight saying he is aware he will miss out on the kids but has to do what he has to do. Now I am all alone with 3 kids, 2 of which have very new and different special needs I'm learning about and i don't know where to turn.

Its all too much - what am I going to do now?

lemonsquish Sun 11-Sep-11 01:09:30

Oh no, how awful for you. Have you got any family that can help you?

lemonsquish Sun 11-Sep-11 01:12:28

Just seen your thread in step-parenting. Chippingin says it all really!

HansieMom Sun 11-Sep-11 02:43:57

Okay, he deserves the award for being the biggest jerk on mumsnet, and there is some stiff competition. Look at it this way--he is no loss.

You and your children love each other, and can get through this together as a family. What a nice family it sounds--a teenage daughter, a little boy, and a tiny baby. Lots to be grateful for!

lifechanger Sun 11-Sep-11 08:35:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RumourOfAHurricane Sun 11-Sep-11 08:51:33

Message withdrawn

alittlebitresignedtoitall Sun 11-Sep-11 08:52:15

This puts my problems into perspective. What a complete and utter bastard. I've no real practical advice apart from ensure you have support around you and only deal with what you have to on a daily basis. Don't look into the future at this point and try not to look back. Concentrate on keeping yourself on a level because you have your kids (and his) to maintain some stability for. One day at a time and if necessary, one hour at a time. Bless you and your family and I hope the operation goes well and your baby recovers quickly. You are overwhelmed at the moment but you will be OK, believe that!

cjbartlett Sun 11-Sep-11 08:56:29

Re the step daughter
Wtf her mum doesn't want her?!?
And presumably her dad too?
The poor girl, as if teenage life isn't complicated enough
I'd ring her mum and tell her she's no longer your responsibility tbh

Fuzzywuzzywozabear Sun 11-Sep-11 09:03:26

Hmmm don't think I'd ring the mum of DSD. Could the poor girl take yet more rejection? OP so sorry for your situation. Is it worth contacting social services to see if there is any support they can offer?

Grumpla Sun 11-Sep-11 09:04:42

What a tosser.

It sounds like you can't expect any support from him whatsoever so hard as it may be, try and put all those awful feelings in a box for now. Right now you have to get a RL support system in place to help you be the best mum you can be for your kids.

Your MIL sounds fairly horrified by the whole situation, so hopefully you can enlist some support from her? Could she come and stay for the period your dd will be in hospital?

Ignore people who 'gossip' about you. Try to put your pride aside and ask for help. Believe me, if you tell people "DD is having a horrendous operation, found out partner having an affair, he's left and I'm trying to work out a way of keeping things going for the kids, could you possibly do X or Y for me this week as it would really help me out of a tough situation" the gossip is going to be about what a tough, amazing mum you are to be handling all that crap. Do you have a couple of good mates who could (say) help cook, take charge of your older kids for a day a week, take over school run etc that would make a massive difference.

TBH if a complete stranger came up to me and told me what you had, I would want to try and help! Ask for SPECIFIC things - often people vaguely want to assist but feel a bit helpless. Much happier if you tell them exactly what would help you out.

Re your son's hearing aids, have you thought of asking in your local library for relevant books? I am sure there must be some good books out there about dealing with hearing aids / disability etc for kids. Maybe also about siblings in hospital?!? Often a really useful way of talking to kids about traumatic experiences.

Good luck pet.

joblot Sun 11-Sep-11 09:07:55

Sounds horrific. Only advice I would add is don't ask him to look after his kids, tell him when he has to have them, he's their father, ffs, he has half the responsibility at least for their care, especially given the disruption and distress he has brought down on their heads.

clam Sun 11-Sep-11 09:44:54

"Check with f***ing "Joanne" to see if they have anything planned?????"
WTF? Is he for real? Tell him you don't care WHAT f***ing "plans" he has, he needs to get himself into gear to support his CHILDREN!


ImperialBlether Sun 11-Sep-11 10:28:57

I think if you love your step daughter and she behaves herself when she's with you (ie not adding to your problems) and she wants to stay with you, I would welcome that. You will need practical and emotional support now. I do think though that her parents should pay the full cost of her care. You should have the family allowance, too.

So sorry you're worrying about your little boy's hearing problems. Yes, the children will notice but by the end of the day it will be old news. Don't worry about that. He should find friendships easier, too, if his hearing is good.

So sorry, too, about your baby. That must be really stressful. I think you'll be grateful for the help of your step daughter.

As for Joanne - what a prize she's getting, eh?

littlemissliedto Sun 11-Sep-11 11:45:49

Lol... imperial you have done the impossible and made me laugh! Thank you xx

SilkandSteel Sun 11-Sep-11 11:48:56

I can't add any more to the great advice you have had on this and your other post, but just wanted to say you sound like a very strong person, and you will get through this x

buzzskillington Sun 11-Sep-11 12:00:16

Argh, what a shit he is.

Be open with people about what has happened, it's not your shame - it's totally his, to desert his wife, sick child and dump his daughter on you. I'm sure you'll find support (especially if you can be matter of fact about what he's done). Tell the schools so that they can keep an eye on how the children are handling it.

It sounds like there's a lot of love there, so take strength from the fab relationship you have with your DSD and your kids. Your little boy's peers are more likely to be accepting now than perhaps older kids would be, and him being able to hear better will help him socialise, so try not to fret. Just concentrate on getting through the little one's operation - I hope it goes well. Good luck.

clam Sun 11-Sep-11 12:03:30

I think it's lovely (and a huge compliment to you) that your DSD wants to stay with you. And that you want her to.
She could be a real help to you, actually. (Not suggesting you sending her up chimneys, mind!)

littlemissliedto Sun 11-Sep-11 12:31:52

Apart from mum & Dad (who have the tendency to come in & take over which I don't want), my family are not local, tho they are on the other end of the phone and are really supportive.

I have 2 really good friends who, in normal circumstances, would be available 24/7 but one had baby this week and one due next week so i don't want to ruin this time for them by being all needy! They know what has happened but i'm showing them the 'I'M fine what you worried about face'!

The mums at school (a handful I trust) are being supportive but that feels very week day based, but that said, i'm probably being paranoid there cos they said anytime and its me not wanting to intrude on their weekend family time!

I just feel so lost... which is ridiculous as I've always been fiercely independent. Maybe i need to take a step back and just take it day by day, stop over analysing it all and acceptance will come for a visit!!

Thanks every1 for your advice & support... I have quite a to do list!!!

FabbyChic Sun 11-Sep-11 12:42:52

omg how very awful for you, it must be really hard going at the moment.

Im sorry you are going through this, I can't believe he also had the audacity to empty the bank account too, sounds like scum.

I know it's hard but if you can get help from parents take it, even though they might take over it may be what you need right now. You need help and support and if that means taking some stick along with it, take it.

You cannot manage alone going through what you are going through.

Thinking of you.

Animation Sun 11-Sep-11 13:19:19

"he emptied our joint account on the way out!"

Bloody Hell!!

Only a psychopath could do that I would have thought.

....when you've got a new baby!!!

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Sep-11 13:26:18

Oh god, just re-read the OP. He took all of your money when you have a new baby, another small child and are looking after his own daughter?

I wouldn't normally say this, but I would take him for everything you can get.

MumblingRagDoll Sun 11-Sep-11 13:28:47

I am so sorry....this is terrible. I can only tell you to try your best to be bloody nice to yourself. Your DD and DS doesn't need a twat like your Ex to be living under the same roof....they will be MUCH better off with one, balanced and kind parent like you.

My neice had hip displacia and had her hips broken and was awful but she is fine now...she wasnt' noticed till she was 2 and it is a MUCH better rsult when they are seen new like your little DD.

I am thinking of you and hope that every day gts better. I will send all the good energy I can and if you're religious a prayer too. x Keep coming on here when you feel bad....people will be right there for you.

Smum99 Sun 11-Sep-11 13:30:06

OMG, he is without doubt the most selfish man on the planet. Words fail me!

Speak to the teachers and I'm sure they will be understanding - make sure you tell the hospital staff, you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty or embarrassed, good people have bad things happen to them and you haven't done anything to deserve this.

Punkatheart Sun 11-Sep-11 13:32:56

Lovely lady - don't beat yourself up about feeling any 'weak' emotions. The most strong and independent person would be shaken to the core by all this. It is unspeakably awful and I repeat what a wise friend has said to me (also in the same situation - OH walked out on me and DD after 20 years together) - these men are set on a path to misery and pain. You cannot harm people in this way without your soul being scarred.

I am six weeks longer along the line than you and I cannot tell you things will be easy. But I can tell you that people will be kind - kinder than you thought possible.

This is not your fault and there are people here who will listen to ranting, sorrow - anything to care to throw out there.


notsorted Sun 11-Sep-11 13:39:30

Do talk to hospital staff and see if there is a hospital social worker (they can be really helpful) or you can get enhanced HV support ie they come round more often. Get your mum down if you can - it sounds like you may need a bit of taking over for a little bit and if they are a long way away then it won't be forever and if you need to be in hospital with DD then you don't need to worry too much about what is going on at home.

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