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what if you don't sleep with your DP?

(25 Posts)
123aquestion Sat 10-Sep-11 22:44:31

I am afraid we are losing touch completely.
We don't sleep together, he snores. we have a 2 year old and 5 month old, the little one feeds in the night, I can deal with this but I can't manage more loss of sleep so he sleeps in another room. He doesn't even suggest sleeping with me any more, I used to think he felt hard done by and try to bring him back to our room but now he just seems to think it is a terrible idea for us to sleep together and should not be attempted.
We do not have sex at all.
I am struggling with PND, I think, maybe just D. I am supposedly getting help with this but nothing ever happens. I am trying to get counselling or CBT. I have been fighting for this since before dc2 was born (then they said it was ante natal depression obviously not PND)

I don't have anyone to talk to. None of my friends know how bad I feel, I can't talk to them. P is sick of the whole thing. Last time I saw the dr I started to open up when she asked certain questions and then I was crying but the appointment was over and she was standing up with the door open showing me out saying "well if you are in danger of harming yourself take yourself to A and E". I was crying and stumbling out into the corridor and so ashamed.

I am afraid it will soon be over with us. we don't sleep together don't have sex we can't talk about anything what else is there? I think if we broke up he would be a very committed dad still and I would get time off because he would take the kids. I feel awful even thinking this. I don't want it to be over but how to keep it together?

Romilly70 Sat 10-Sep-11 22:54:24

Oh you poor thing! I'm afraid I can't offer any practical advice as i am in France but just wanted to give you a (((hug))).
Your GP sounds dreadful and think you should change, however.

I have been having a bit of counselling since DS 11mths was born. A lot of it is to do with sleep deprivation as he is a bad sleeper too and things do escalate in your mind.

Someone should be along in a minute to tell you where you can get some more sympatheric and practical help to offload.

123aquestion Sat 10-Sep-11 23:00:33

thanks Romilly.
I got a bit side tracked in my OP. I wanted to ask about how you can nurture a relationship where you don't sleep together, or if it is not possible, but got all tangenty in the other stuff.
It wasn't my GP who put me out like that, it was the dr at the mental health place.

123aquestion Sat 10-Sep-11 23:04:35

bump
please someone talk to me I feel really bad tonight

notsorted Sat 10-Sep-11 23:05:29

Have you tried the health visitor OP? They may know of some things/counsellors and as they do the screening for PND initially may be able to help you sort the depression bit. Get that sorted first off and then tackle your DP and sleep things. It sounds as if you can't see the wood for the trees, but don't beat yourself up about it - this is a stressful period with DCs.

JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 23:06:51

Talk to your health visitor 123. She is there to help with situations EXACTLY like this and will give it much more attention than your GP and in your own home. Leave message in the morning (or now?!) for her to give you a ring. She will not get it til Monday but you will have left the message.

You don't need to feel ashamed about anything!

DP possibly doesn't know what to do/how to help and yes is probably - if secretly guiltily - enjoying the undisturbed sleep.

It's a hard time.. you have two little children and depression on top. You WILL get through this and quite possinly with your relationship intact but you need to get yourself some counselling. Your health visitor will help with this. Explain what you think you need.. ask her advice.. and tell her nothing is happening re your previous requests.

"This too shall pass..." Promise.

Hang in there

MangoMonster Sat 10-Sep-11 23:06:52

Poor you, sounds like you're having an awful time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Try talking to your partner about how you feel, its the only way and I agree with you that you sound a little depressed. Go and see another gp, yours sounds horrific. Do you have any one you can talk to? Mum or sister/ brother? You really need some support. Looking after 2 young kids while feeling down must be a real struggle. Please believe that things can improve though, but you have to look after yourself and find someone to talk to or get some counselling. There's hope, you just have get through this difficult bit. I know it's not very mn but sending you virtual hugs.

julinka Sat 10-Sep-11 23:08:56

Hi darling,

Sorry to hear that but just wanted to say I am going through a similar thing my son is 2 years and 5 months and since I was pregnant we haven't had any sex.I sleep in the room with him as he is still breastfed and he sleeps in the spaer bedroom.I am sure feeding is not a problem,because w ehave had so many opportunities to be intimate but he has never tried maing effort.I got tired of rejection so we are not initimate we don't kiss nothing.I am trying to arrange for us counselling so maybe he sees the sense that this is not normal?perhaps you coulkd try the same.Was he always like that or it is just since you had children?hugs

buzzskillington Sat 10-Sep-11 23:10:01

I think that doctor was a shocker.

I think you need to get some time out, and your dh is the obvious person. That you're considering a split as a way of getting him to take up some of the childcare certainly suggests he could be doing more.

Maybe talk to your friends and see if you could get them to take your children for an afternoon or few hours, so you can sleep/get some time to think?

123aquestion Sat 10-Sep-11 23:12:19

Thankyou so mcuh.
The health visitor is lovely, she knows all about this and comes to see me every few weeks (to check I am not gassing us all, or whatever). She is really very nice and I look forward to seeing her because she is the only one who listens to me about how I feel. But I need something more and nothing is happening.
So often I have seen people on here post depressive things and others say "you must get help, see the gp". but I feel really let down because seeing the gp gets you nowhere. i am seeing the peri-natal team at the special mental health place (it is scary) but nothing is being done for me. I am a mess. I am thinking dark thoughts tonight actually

buzzskillington Sat 10-Sep-11 23:13:40

Please phone the Samaritans if you're feeling you might harm yourself.

ImperialBlether Sat 10-Sep-11 23:29:29

Separate out your problems, OP.

1. He should go to the doctor about his snoring. You should start a thread on it to see whether anyone has any advice. If he needs to lose weight then you should do everything in your power to encourage that and for both of you to get some regular exercise together.

2. You need to see a different doctor about possible depression. You were treated appallingly. You should ask for a double appointment because you need time to talk to the doctor properly. The receptionist may not want to give you that - you could then ask for an end of day session, so that you're not rushed out.

3. You need to do some regular activities together. Outdoors is better, because it's easier to communicate when you're walking than if you're in the house. Try to watch films together, read the same book, anything so that you have something to talk to him about.

123aquestion Sat 10-Sep-11 23:34:05

Thanks buzz
ha ha I found out recently that a friend of mine was a samaritan, it would be so funny if I got him (= not remotely funny at all)
I think I need to escalate the MH stuff somehow, not sure how, they know I am "sick" but they seem to be reasonably reassured the kids are safe so... nothing. no one cares about me per se, it's like they all peer at you really closely when you have had a baby to see if you look like you might throw it out of the window, and then you don't, for a bit, and then no one gives a shit about you. I have no idea how to escalate the MH stuff though

123aquestion Sat 10-Sep-11 23:38:07

Hi imperialblether, thanks for that, x-posted

the dr is not the gp, it is a special MH thing. no idea how to move that on or whatever.

dp won't see the dr about snoring because he says he has researched it on the internet and it looks like there is nothing that can be done. he is not fat btw. I wish he would go to the dr anyway but i can't make him

123aquestion Sat 10-Sep-11 23:42:28

sorry, to explain, I can't go back to the GP about depression because I am already the next step on, having been referred to this special peri natal mental health whatnot. They have put me on 2 different waiting lists for counselling and CBT and months have elapsed, and in the meantime I just keep showing up to the appointments I am given (having made special arrangements for childcare so dc1 doesn't hear me say "I think about killing myself a bit but not every day" or whatever) and they say "blah blah blah still sick then, good bye" and it is all a bit humiliating.

DontGoCurly Sat 10-Sep-11 23:57:36

Jesus, what a shit GP. Sweetheart, go back and get some antidepressants. There are some that are fine to use when breastfeeding. I can't believe your GP, what an utter, unprofessional bastard!

Jellykat Sun 11-Sep-11 00:02:45

Bloody hell 123, they sound crap to say the least! Had you suffered from Depression at all before you had DC?, if not it seems they're just doing an odd 'its just hormonal' type thing, - what is the point of doing all the questionnaires, attending all the appointments and then bugger all happens?
You poor thing, that's hideous!

How long are the waiting lists? i think you need to know this, and how near the top you are getting - because if the lists are really long, maybe there is a a good private counselling service in your area that doesn't cost the earth?.. If you're nearly there however, it will give you a bit of hope

Re, the snoring.. those 'breatheeasy' nasal strips worked a bit for my Ex, as did not eating too much cheese! does your DP drink alcohol?...( just trying to come up with ideas.)

kayah Sun 11-Sep-11 00:04:02

go back to your GP and demand help

what always helps is to say - are you going to take responsibility for my well being if I am left without any help?

I am not joking

my sis-in-law who is a doctor instructed me to use this expression, it works every time smile

try and confide into someone who could assist you to go to your doctor

I assume you haven't got anyone like family member around?

confidence Sun 11-Sep-11 00:07:27

FWIW, DW and I sleep in separate bedrooms and have a fantastic relationship and family.

Why do you not have sex? You seem to be eliding this with the separate bedrooms, which is really more of a practical issue and doesn't need to have such significance. It's perfectly possible to have a sex life while having separate bedrooms - think of all the couples who don't even live together.

Although it has to be said, that 5 months is still pretty soon after childbirth for a lot of people, and it's not at all unusual to still be completely snowed under by child-focus at that point and to not have got around to putting the primary relationship back together yet.

Jellykat Sun 11-Sep-11 00:22:33

I completely agree with confidence as i have 2 friends who have been together happily for 13 years, yet sleep in separate bedrooms..
They are still very cuddley (sp?) with each other, manage to have sex and make each other feel good by paying attention to each other etc..

123- Does your 'D'P ever cuddle you, pay you compliments, or do things to make you feel appreciated? If not, is that one of the reasons you're feeling so low?

NotAnotherNewNappy Sun 11-Sep-11 00:34:17

I have a 3yo and a 5mo. DP and I have had sex a grand total of 2 times since the LO was born. People with very young children don't tend to have lots of sex, stop beating yourself up about that one!

Why are you not on ADs? They have saved my life before now.

clopper Sun 11-Sep-11 00:59:48

snoring is a nightmare and can drain the most positive relationships. My DH now has a machine as he has sleep apnoea and although the noise is a little intrusive the regular hum is better that the odd snoring noises which varied in volume and duration! They usually put special measuring equipment on for a diagnosis, and I think then my DH had a record of how disruptive the night was for me and was more sympathetic and determined to sort it out. I think you need to separate the problems and deal with them one at a time. the snoring is one he needs to tackle through the doctors, maybe you would start to feel more positive if he did this? Then you must start looking after yourself and get some help. I really feel that a lack of proper sleep over 12 years gradually made me bitter, resentful and miserable. If you could manage to get back in the same room even for a few nights a week together, the intimacy and closeness may return. It certainly helped us. Although to be fair, i sometimes enjoy having a night on my own.

123aquestion Sun 11-Sep-11 10:01:27

OK thanks everyone. Feeling better today, especially after reading your stories about people who have good relationships in separate rooms. We will be off out for a walk soon, it's nice to do things together.

giveitago Sun 11-Sep-11 16:53:26

I'm shocked at the GP under mental health place.

Not on - insist on better help.

You sound like you need a break - hope you had a nice walk with your dp.

cecilyparsley Sun 11-Sep-11 17:41:22

123, imo sharing a bed is way overrated, good sleep is crucial.
Separate bedrooms does not have to be a euphemism for end of sex life!
Perfectly common for sex to go on the back burner for a little while when you've recently had a baby.

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