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The fear of being alone/without him (or anyone)

(16 Posts)
JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 22:32:49

My relationship is not much good. I know that. I wanted it to be but it isn't and nothing is going to change it.

I am frightened of how I will cope alone, not so much the practical aspects (no small thing in my particular circumstances) but more the emotional.

Missing him. I love him and in his way his loves me but we're not going to make it much beyond the 2 year mark. I can see that.

Knowing he'll replace me almost immediately. He can and will. (He' not a cheat; there's no OW, but he'll move on quickly. This is what he does.) The "knowing" that he has moved on.. back on dating scene.. being like he was with me in the beginning with someone new.. curled around someone else in bed.

The feeling of hopelessness and the void that I will (at least initially) see my future as.

The lonely evenings.

The "couples everywhere" - the crippling envy at seeing how other people's lovely men treat them - the awful awful sadness at knowing that this is now lost to me.

Christmas. Fecking Christmas.

The dread that I should have done different/been different/kept it going.

I experienced all these feelings (and more) 3 years ago after coming out of a 14 year marriage to the father of my DC. It was complicated (worse I suppose) then because I was tied to him, practically and emotionally, for a long time after the split. Ihad to see him and interact with him whilst trying to teach myself to stop loving the unfaithful rat. I succeeded in the end, obviously. It took about a year of mostly hellish emotional trauma whilst posting in here in my old guise and whilst trying to carry on as normal-ish for the kids. Hell. Lonely, miserable hell. There is only so much misery you can heap on your friends.

This would be a clean break. He'd be gone from my house, my life and my facebook and probably from my friends' facebooks. He believes in clean breaks. Don't look back. I know this from many general conversations we've had.

Oh the agony of imagining changing the "Jar Is In A Relationship With..." on Facebook. (Why am I worrying about facebook?)

I don't let go easily and it takes me forever to fall out of love. i think i must be a masochist like this.

This one is not a fuckwit. He is honest and faithful. But not particularly nice to me that much of the time. Not anymore. Part of it is probably due to sharing my intense (sometimes hellish) life (challenging violent poor smearing disabled child) and helping me, often admirably, with all this. But mostly I think it's his personality (I'm also far from perfect obviously). The honeymoon period lasted a few months and I've been waiting for it to come back for the last 18 months. Lost "me" a bit in process I think.

I have a big (DP unrelated) battle coming up with the "system" re my SN DS which will be emotional and heartwrending in itself. I'd do anything for my DP to be what I need him to be - someone whose arms I can collapse into at the end of the day and just be myself and however I need to be. But that is not going to happen. I have admitted this to myself.

We have addressed our relationship issues to each other. But we are still getting from day to day. Week to week is getting harder.

i don't want this to end but I know it has to.

Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 22:35:58

*poo smearing for anyone who got that far. (Not "poor".) Sorry to be graphic. Just a small snapshot of the "non everyday" challenges the relationship has tried, and failed rather unsurprisingly, to weather.

JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 23:27:11

Shameless bump sad (Do people still "bump" threads?)

wileycoyote Sat 10-Sep-11 23:34:52

No words of wisdom but I identify. I feel the same when I try to leave a relationship, and I also have a special needs ds.

HerHissyness Sat 10-Sep-11 23:37:34

That honeymoon period was to reel you in, it won't come back now. Please see that?

It'll only get worse. You have to be brave and end it. TBH if he does do the clean break thing, it'd be better all round, but I suspect that is a threat to scare you into doing nothing and putting up with him.

A man that doesn't treat you kindly, doesn't love your Dc has no space in your life.

Being alone is actually FINE!, It's peaceful, calm, and OK. YOu get to call the shots in your life, you don't worry about anything your DC do, you accept them, they accept you.

If this man is not man enough to accept you and your DC, then he's not good enough for you.

JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 23:37:55

It sucks doesn't it sad

I wish it could have worked. It was so tough getting up the confidence in the first place to date. I made myself believe that "the right person" will fit into my (chaotic beyond belief thanks to DS) like somehow. And he tried.. is still trying I think.. but I can already see how this ends so have to prepare myself.

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly Sat 10-Sep-11 23:42:13

What does he do that isn't nice to you?

I know it is terribly tough to leave a relationship, but you have to see it as being a big step closer to the person you are supposed to be with. The person who is nice to you, who cares about you and your family, and is willing to do what they can to support you and make your life as easy as possible.

JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 23:43:11

I've read "that article" too HerHissy.. smile He is some of the things on it.. not all. Too many I guess.

I actually have people bluntly tell me, quite often, than few men would be "man enough" to take on what's needed in order to be with me. And they're not saying it to be unkind.

Your "being alone" paragraph is what I tell myself when I'm feeling braver (although peaceful and calm is hard in this house unless DS is out.). You are very astute in what you say there! I had got to that stage before..forcibly.. when I met DP.

JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 23:49:26

He has a challenging job and works shifts. He is currently a lot of pressure at work. He is always tired and sleep deprivations is another of the "joys" involved with living with me. He moans constantly about what life is like here with me and the terrible inconveniences of living with DS.

He has a good relationship with the other 2. I actually asked them outright if they would be happier if he wasn't here. They both said no. (Further screwing with me head)

He's short tempered, v moody, thinks I go on a lot, seems to find me intensely irritating esp my clumsiness (which he used to find endearing .) He doesn't kiss me anymore (except hello and goodbye pecks).

On the other hand, he does loads around the house and is practical and hands on in helping me with DS/prevents me getting battered by DS as much as he possibly can.

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly Sat 10-Sep-11 23:52:16

I am completely ignorant about sn so apologies if I am being ridiculous here, but could you get some respite care or assistance if ds is violent on a regular basis?

It is unfair of him to moan about your home life though. He knew your situation when he met you and must realise how difficult it is for you, especially when he is adding pressure with his moaning. He should be more supportive.

JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 23:52:44

"I know it is terribly tough to leave a relationship, but you have to see it as being a big step closer to the person you are supposed to be with. The person who is nice to you, who cares about you and your family, and is willing to do what they can to support you and make your life as easy as possible."

I'd bet he sees himself as that person ThatsNotMyBabyBelly but from the word go almost he has had the most amazing ability to dismiss me with a few words and make me feel small.

I really wanted him to be that person. It all used to seem so right. He used to talk about marrying me all the time.. he long since admited that is not what he wants anymore. And that was before we addressed the trouble our relationship is in.

JarOfHearts Sat 10-Sep-11 23:55:13

We get respite and am fighting to try to get more as DS is only going to get worse. Current DS-related issue is a decision between myself and exH to look into Mon - Fri residential school for DS. This is a huge step and i would never ever do that to "save" a relationship.. likely DP will long gone by the time we actually take that step if we do..

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly Sun 11-Sep-11 00:00:41

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest the respite might help the relationship. I meant that could you get respite for you to give you a break. He can take his chances smile

JarOfHearts Sun 11-Sep-11 00:03:29

I didn't think you were ThatsNot fear not.. I just didn't want it to look as if i was planning to chuck the problematic child into "boarding school" and live happily ever after!

fraggle500 Sun 11-Sep-11 12:03:03


I have never posted before on these sites, but your post just struck a chord with me. I like you never find the ending of a relationship easy, I too turn myself inside out, imagining "him" being perfect with the new women. Being the person his was with me in the "honeymoon period".

I also have a child with special needs and the can relate to needing the physical and emotional support, epically at the end of a long and challenging day.

My ex father to my son, walked out when child was diagnosed, and refuses to acknowledge him. After many years alone, I met some one who I completely fell in love with, I now realize that he has MANY personalty disorders, boarding on narcissist (a very long story).

How ever, the bottom line is, that I would much rather be on my on with my son, in control and HAPPY. If some one does not want to be with you, or your children, you are much better off, for your mental health on your own. Even if it does not feel like that. Every time you have a burning idea that he is dating, replacing you, etc, just replace that thought with all the negative aspects that are/were what your relationship has become.

Sorry if I have rambled on, just wanted you to know that you are not the only one to feel like this.

wileycoyote Sun 11-Sep-11 22:55:26

Good advice fraggle. Think of how it actually was, not how you hope(d) it would/will be..

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