His temper is terrible, I'm ending it and I'm scared

[scaredofhistemper]

I've been seeing a new man. We have not yet slept together, but get on like a house on fire.

He is good looking, I am very attracted to him. WE must have spent nso many hours on the phone since we met (July)

He treats me so well, but is vile to other people. I thought he was boisterous, but some friends have pointed out how scared people actually are of him.
This week was a revelation. He called me from probation; I did not know he was on probation. He was swearing at the receptionist while on the phone to me. It turns out he is on probation for fighting and really resents it.

Virtually every day he will tell me about someone he is very angry with (probation, boss, mum, mum's partner, random in the pub....).

There is no question he has to go. But I'm terrified :( I am dreading being the object of his anger. I made the decision after the probation phone call but did not know howI was going to go about it. Last night I decided that I would contact him today and say how I feel. I've been shaking, spent all morning on and off the loo with terror. I've gone completely off radar to a friends house. I know I should just contact him and end it NOW but I'm putting off the fallout, which could be horrible.

I'm a regular and have name changed, partly because I do not want to be outed, and partly because I'm so ashamed to be in this ridiculous situation.
Please kick me (gently) into touch

[GypsyMoth]

So, does he know where you live etc? Place of work?

Is he really keen on you?

[Mouseface]

scared - if you are worried about what he'll do, meet on neutral ground and in a very public place, in daylight and tell him it's over. Have someone with you but at a distance in case he does kick off.

Keep clam and just tell him, don't scream at him or raise your voice, that it's over, you're sorry and then walk away.

You really don't want to be with someone who has anger issues do you? Better to end this now than in a few years time, when things could have taken a turn for the worse.

[buzzsorekillington]

Well, I think you're probably right to be at your friend's. Maybe you could stay a couple of days? I'd tell your friend and have him/her support you while you call him, then cut contact altogether - block his number/remove from social networks/block his email etc. If he causes you any bother, call the cops.

[buzzsorekillington]

I wouldn't meet him to do it, personally. You know he's capable of being vile (and violent), I'd fuck him off from the end of a phone.

[scaredofhistemper]

He is completely besotted with me.
If he could just be calm he would be perfect, but I know I cannot change him, nor can I be bothered to take the risk of trying to. We talk and talk and laugh for hours. I haven't felt like this in years, and had been starting to feel there was something wrong with me!

I definitely do not want this anger in my life. I work with often angry people, and cannot stand anger and aggression in my personal life.

I thought about meeting him face to face but I am too scared, far too scared

[Mouseface]

scared - then don't meet him. If he puts that much fear into you, stay right away. He'll use that against you at some point, the fear, if you stay with him.

You could just ignore him but I bet he'd not leave you alone would he?

[flippinada]

:(

No wonder you are terrified, he sounds awful. The constant anger is a huge red flad, but then you already know this.

I had a few dates with someone like this and made the decision to end it after he dropped into the conversation that he had beaten up an ex girlfriend :(.

Given the circumstances, I absolutely would not do it face to face. You need to keep a distance. In my situation, I waited until he was well out of the way and did it via msn.

Does he know where you live?

[flippinada]

*red flag.

I see others had said the same when I was typing. Do not do it face to face, even with back up. Over the phone or msn if you can manage it. And make sure you have back up from friends/family.

[scaredofhistemper]

He knows where I live; we are in a small town. I feel jumpy :(

He's not just going to give up. He might, after we have finished just move on, but I don't know.

He has more red flags about him than red bunting. What have I gotten myself into? I have been single for a few years, and it all felt so good.

I had a long chat with a friend last night, it turns out she knows him. A few years ago this friend had a bit of trouble with a guy always knocking her door very drunk (she lives near a pub) and had started to have the dog sleep upstairs with her because it scared her so much. It turned out this was him. He has pushed his way in before, scared her kids, helped himself to her food and snorted coke in her kitchen; she did not know how to get rid of him. Such nasty bullying behaviour and I could not be more against drugs, especially coke as I see all the time the effect it has on people, and how dangerous they can become.

I was so angry when she told me it had been him; I had been so worried and angry for her when it all started.

Friend did not know I had been seeing someone or she would have warned me straight off. If I'd have known they knew each other I would have spoken to her sooner.

I cannot believe I am typing this, I cannot believe this is my experience I am typing about :(

[GloriaVanderbilt]

there are some excellent articles on the web about leaving an angry man.

One is here

it's basically about being very vague and detached and letting him be the one to leave.
I sympathise, I've left two odd men and one had a temper. IN the end it was alright both times, did it on the phone both times knowing I had back up nearby in case anything went wrong.

Definitely get out now, it's early days. It will get MUCH harder once you've been with him longer. You need to let him save face and if that means slagging you off to people, lying about you, being horrid to you verbally then so be it - you have to be like a cracked record as often you'll get continual phone calls. But if you can let him get a bit angry about it, NOT in person but on the phone, and you might find he can then justify it to himself as 'I left the bitch, she was nuts anyway' sort of thing.

You've got to be very detached in your head in terms of it being NOTHING to do with you, not your responsibility or problem, and you're well out of there. He will sense any flicker of doubt or weakness.

Might be wise to talk to DV section of local police just to log his being scary and get their advice, get them on side etc. just in case you need to call them.
Make sure you're not at home alone for a few nights after till it all blows over.
Good luck.

[GloriaVanderbilt]

I also found calling womens aid very helpful indeed.

[flippinada]

Having read about him barging into your friend's house, I second calling the police. He sounds very scary.

And Women's Aid will be helpful as well - please don't try to do this without support.

[scaredofhistemper]

Thanks Gloria I will have a look.

I also think I will speak to local police in case they can flag up my number.
I'm quite ready for him to slag me off something rotten, and to be honest I would prefer that to a refusal to give up. Listen to me, I'm carrying on like he will never leave me alone, but there is a big chance he will. If I call him today, at this hour someone somewhere may well pay the price for it, so it may have to be tomorrow. I'm not responsible for his response though, he is an adult and must take responsibility for his behaviour, but his anger at probation tells me he does not always.

[GloriaVanderbilt]

also if the police know about him and he's on probation you can A) use this as a reason to dump him - you didn't know he was in trouble with the police and you're appalled by that, and B) rest assured that he probably knows he's at risk of heavier sanctions if he does anything else bad.

He sounds like he might have some kind of mental health condition from what you say...that might be another thing, if he was assessed by a psychiatrist they might put him away somewhere safe for a bit. You could mention to the police if you speak to them (sounds like they'll know him) and perhaps they might think about having him assessed.

FWIW you're probably the latest in a line of obsessions/objects to bully/charm/etc etc and mean less to him than you think

[GloriaVanderbilt]

(which is a good thing)

[HairyGrotter]

Oh you poor thing, what a situation :(

Deffo alert the police, explain the situation, stay with your friend whilst you call him and end it. Get as much support behind you, you may be surprised by his reaction as he may just leave you alone, but preparation is key.

Good luck, you were never to know, none of us are, and the sooner it's done the better for all.

[scaredofhistemper]

OK I have to go, I've been using friend's DD's PC and she is home and wanting to use it.... i will be on later though. Thank you everybody, I feel much less alone, and much less as if I might be going crazy.

[GloriaVanderbilt]

Good luck poppet. He is probably used to it at least

[Mouseface]

God, the more you post the more I regret posting that you should meet him!

What an utterly vile person he is. Definitely get the police involved and as much support as you can.

He's clearly got issues with drugs and alcohol so that last thing you need if for him to repeat his previous behaviour.

As others have said, do not approach him face to face. Sorry that you are going through this.

[ImperialBlether]

I can't understand, though, how you thought he was so great when every day he's so angry about something.

Yes, you have to finish it. I'd be tempted to let him finish it, but have no idea how you'd go about that. I think you need to let him keep some pride otherwise there would be trouble.

Lucky you haven't slept together yet, but surprising too, really. I would have thought he'd push for a physical relationship.

[Notchattingnow]

I think make an excuse, a blatant lie such as you have a flair up of mild depression and the GP said you can't handle a relationship now/ someone has died and you have to leave the country / you are being investigated for a serious ? ovarian cyst and can't continue a relationship right now.
Something beyond your control, regretful but serious and health related.

[ike1]

Id do what not chatting says

[cecilyparsley]

I was thinking along the same lines as notchatting as I read through this thread...scaredofhis can you think of some plausible excuse that wont bruise his ego?

[bossthehoss]

I echo the above posters. Safest way is to definitely lie your pants off make an excuse. If you tell him the truth he'll never leave you alone.

Herpes has flared up, aids test - who cares if he goes on to tell people, at least you won't have him beating (literally) a path to your door.