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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Breastfeeding and repulsed by sex..(?)

53 replies

treehuggermum · 10/09/2011 13:08

My dp is drop dead gorgeous, a lot younger than me and i cant think of any other man else i fancy, and love more. However since having our dd 15 months ago and b'feeding throughout, it's made me repulsed thinking of sex, especially if i'm actually feeding, which sounds wierd but i sometimes randomly get sexual flashbacks which i put out straight away, but this makes me shudder and really go off my dp. He has a very high sexy drive and we do it maybe fortnightly, i usually have to force myself to as i dont want to lose him! Sometimes i'll even start arguing with him just before bedtime so we will sleep in seperate rooms then i can relax and know he's not going to try it on. This is terrible i know :( He is a great guy and a super dad and i just want things to be normal again between us. I dont want to stop breastfeeding yet either. Can anyone relate to this? Sorry for long post. I feel bit relieved to phase this finally..

OP posts:

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treehuggermum · 10/09/2011 13:12

sex drive share this finally.. sorry

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 10/09/2011 13:14

Thankfully, I was a lone parent, and breastfed DD for 14 months, the very idea of sexual contact with ANYONE made my stomach churn. I would've killed the relationship, I had no interest in sex whatsoever.

Have you sat down with him and told him how you feel?

Albrecht · 10/09/2011 13:17

I agree, talk to him about it. Might help take the pressure off.

Rebelcountycailin · 10/09/2011 14:45

Yes - I'm still b/f and feel exactly the same way! I feel like I have completely switched off.

As the others suggest do talk to him and explain but also can you try to find other ways to be intimate? This is a work in progress for me

Knackeredmother · 10/09/2011 18:08

Same here, my ds is nearly 20 months and you just feel like your body is not your own anymore and everyone wants a piece!
Apparently breastfeeding releases a hormone to put you off sex- natures way of stopping you getting pregnant when you already have a little one.
I think it's quite normal to feel like this op.

eisbaer · 10/09/2011 18:20

I read in the newspaper(Pamela Stephenson's sex therapy column) that loss of libido is never okay UNLESS it is a mother who is breastfeeding, where it is a natural side effect of lactating and nothing to worry about as it is transient. I had NO libido whatsoever with my firstborn(quite aggressively so, as it "don't 8888ing come NEAR them, so help me!", with my second born I was more up for it while still exclusively breastfeeding, who knows why(same partner, more tired...?!). I would predict that you'll be back on form once you stop b'feeding. Personally my advice would be to say to him that it's bothering you as much as it's probably bothering him, but that you want to put your kid first for now and just keep going for it fairly regularly and it won't be a massive mountain to climb when you're back in the game! hang in there, well worth it, you'll hardly remember this period of time when you're looking back.

fluffles · 10/09/2011 18:22

you need to tell him, otherwise he will have no idea and all these little arguments you're creating to put him off could actually damage your relationship completely.

MangoMonster · 10/09/2011 19:07

Felt the same when I bf.

ChillyCooper · 10/09/2011 19:10

agree with fluffles - it's fine and normal to feel this way but he doesn't know that. Let him in on how you're feeling. He might be relieved that you still find him attractive, it's just the BF thing.

EricNorthmansMistress · 10/09/2011 21:55

You aren't being fair to him by not telling him how you feel.

When I was BF my boobs were off limits. I used to keep bra or nightie on during sex and H knew not to touch them.

iFailedTheTuringTest · 10/09/2011 22:07

I felt the same when ebf. It was like 'will everyone please just Get Off Me NOW'

it gets better with time, you don't have to stop bf to get yr mojo back. I'm bf dd still (15 mo) and I now feel quite fruity at times. Before she was on solids, I really couldn't bear any sex.

HomeintheSun · 10/09/2011 22:11

I felt this way too after having my DD, I breastfed exclusively for 6 months, I felt I couldnt be the mummy/feeder and loverand I couldnt stand him touching my breasts not cause they hurt or anything, just cause it made me feel uncomfortable in myself iykwim. I say talk to him, if you look at it from his point of view, he will be confused and pushed away. Reassure him that you still love him and still fancy him if needs be show him this thread.

babyhammock · 10/09/2011 22:27

That explains why I've never been so disinterested lol.

Agree with the others, he needs to have a heads upx

wannabefree · 10/09/2011 23:11

I often sometimes felt repulsed by DH during the period that I was bfing. I didn't link the two issues, I just thought I'd gone off him and was too scared to mention anything because obviously who would put up with a partner who feels like that about them?

I should have tackled it because it was one of the issues that ultimately led to the break up of the marriage.

treehuggermum · 11/09/2011 02:05

Thank you so much everyone. I feel so comforted knowing i'm not the only one. Ok i will take your advice and talk to him soon x

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Iamjustthemilkmachine · 11/09/2011 22:31

I feel exactly the same, been bf for 6 months and feel so used by my baby that the idea of having someone else have my body too is just too much, dh knows this and is being really patient so it is good to talk.

I wouldn't say that you want to put your baby first, because that is not quite what it is, I think it is always best to blame the hormones! (men are more used to that). It's not easy, I do feel guilty, and you are beign better than me by doing it fortnightly, and poor dh thought he would enjoy the bigger boobs and lactation! (sorry if tmi).

treehuggermum · 15/09/2011 22:33

Haha:) it's strange though thinking about it, i admire mother nature and her wonderous ways in keeping things balanced (i.e.baby needing all mummy's attention whilst b'f'ing therefore planting this hormone that decreases limbido) but also families are best staying together, yet so many break up because of lack of sex.. Come on Mother nature, need some help!

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HereIGo · 16/09/2011 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

somewherewest · 16/09/2011 16:24

I agree with HereIGo. Sorry if this sounds a bit direct, but why not stop bfing if its hurting your relationship that much? I can't imagine it will do a 17 mo old any real harm given the number of people who stop much earlier and have perfectly happy healthy DCs (or don't even bf at all). On the other hand literally years of rare, reluctant sex will do nothing for your relationship.

itsnotpossibleisit · 16/09/2011 21:14

As many other in here, it happened exactly the same to me. DD is 25 months now and still breastfeeding her 3 times a day (or maybe 4 or 5 ). My ibido never came back completely until 3 months ago. Can you wait? Talk to your husband and explain what is happening to you, he should understand. I also considered to stop breastfeeding but never did and I can say that now I would not stop having sex and as someone has already mention I don't understand how I managed to stay off sex for so long. Although I have to say that ExP didn't seem to bother about having sex with me after DD was born

Hope you get better soon

treehuggermum · 21/09/2011 23:18

I did speak to my dp. It was a very sad conversation. He said if he doesnt get sex every day (!) it's not enough. I know i'm gonna have to wean my dd, even though i dont really want to, i would like to bf for 2 years at least! And i know she does. She is going through a very clingy phase atm, it's really tough. She always wants more, and so does my dp. I'm fed up :(

OP posts:

barkwithnobite · 21/09/2011 23:27

He wants sex everyday?

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Bantria · 21/09/2011 23:29

This happened to me too. No idea it was hormonal. Makes me feel much better about it. I agree with some of the other posters that your marriage is just as important as bf'ing your baby but understand that you would find it difficult to give up bf'ing sooner than you want to and any resentment this engenders in you might also make things difficult in your relationship with dh. I made breasts a no go zone and really worked at trying to give dh regular attention of some sort. Gradually I found it easier and the more I did it the more I found I would enjoy it myself. Good luck!

Bantria · 21/09/2011 23:30

Sex every day?!!! really? Did that happen before?

Helltotheno · 21/09/2011 23:37

Sex every day or any way close to that would be a deal breaker for me. Hope it all works out ok for you op... don't allow yourself to be bullied.

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