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Appearance - I told him it doesn't bother me but I've found it does :(

(49 Posts)
FlyKiller Sat 10-Sep-11 13:07:36

I got talking to a guy who seemed really lovely. We hit it off, had lots in common and enjoyed each other's company. He then told me he'd had a weight reduction operation and had lost so much weight that he had tons of "skin", especially on the stomach area. I am NOT a shallow person and don't judge anyone by looks. I don't go for the Brad Pitt types anyway and have never been put off anyone because of appearances and so I told him it didn't bother me at all (I meant it at the time). We hadn't been intimate by this point.
So a few weeks ago I stayed over at his place for the first time. First thing I noticed was that he was constantly eating. Backwards and forwards to the cupboards saying he was getting a drink but would come back with biscuit smelling breath. This makes me worry he isn't over his appetite problems?

Anyway later on, we were kissing, it got a little heavier and we went upstairs and I just wasn't prepared for it at all, when he took off his shirt his "Boobs" were dangling onto me and when he was on top of me I couldn't actually see anything "down there" because his stomach was hanging down and flopping all over me. I know this sounds incredibly bitchy and I don't mean it to be, I'm just trying to recreate what I saw. I was put off. Not just by this but he was so clumsy in bed too, trying to force a condom on when he wasn't fully erect, playing with himself to try and get it up and then trying to strike up conversation about the condoms etc, it was just all so offputting and anything but romantic. I made excuses and we stopped. I felt awful and went to sleep feeling rather guilty. I DO like him but the whole episode made me realise I don't fancy him. Or if I did, I no longer do. Anyway next morning I woke up telling myself I was a complete cow and one of those shallow people I'm always complaining about.

So I tried to mentally prepare myself for the next time but I just can't look past it. Last weekend he was getting dressed in front of me and stuffed his belly into a pair of underpants so you could see through the LEG hole rolls of belly all squashed up inside. I suggested he doesn't put his belly inside the pants as it looks rather odd and he said he felt more comfortable that way.

I just can't get past it. I have tried. Does this mean I AM shallow? because I feel it. I feel ashamed of myself but is it justified? at all?? Could you look past it if he was otherwise a lovely man?

MrsFlittersnoop Sat 10-Sep-11 13:08:41

Have you posted about this before?

PonceyMcPonce Sat 10-Sep-11 13:09:09

It sounds like you don't fancy him, so how could it work?

FlyKiller Sat 10-Sep-11 13:09:51

No I only joined the site today MrsFlittersnoop

fortyplus Sat 10-Sep-11 13:11:22

Don't beat yourself up over it. Physical attraction is a strange thing and if he hadn't been clumsy and awkward you may well not have been bothered by his appearance. Move on! smile

alittlebitresignedtoitall Sat 10-Sep-11 13:14:38

I dont want to judge whether you are shallow or not. You can best decide on that. If he was so big he needed an op to reduce his weight, he may not have had much sexual experience which may be why he is so clumsy in bed. A good and loving relationship would help him with his technique and confidence but from what you say, that may not be with you!

LaLaLaLayla Sat 10-Sep-11 13:16:13

Poor guy. Do you think there is any way that he could afford surgery? A friend of mine lost about 16 stone and was left with saggy skin all over her belly. She had a tummy tuck and looks fantastic now. It sounds like he would need a tummy tuck and mammoplasty, or whatever it's called. Would it be really bad to suggest it to him?

I am not shallow. However, I wonder if his appearance could be contributing to his inability to get an erection.

MrsGaff Sat 10-Sep-11 13:17:29

I would happily give myself the title of 'shallow' to never have to go through what you have described! Dump him and move on.

FootballFriend Sat 10-Sep-11 13:17:56

You don't fancy him, nothing left to "work on". Move on.

LynetteScavo Sat 10-Sep-11 13:19:21

You don't fancy him. Doesn't mean you are shallow, it just means you don't fancy him.

I don't fancy lots of people. Doesn't mean I'm shallow.

BluddyMoFo Sat 10-Sep-11 13:21:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HairyGrotter Sat 10-Sep-11 13:41:07

If it's off putting and you don't fancy him, don't feel bad.

cecilyparsley Sat 10-Sep-11 13:41:15

Flykiller, whilst I feel sorry for the guy in question I dont think you should feel obliged to have sex that you just dont want.
I generally look for someone who has a similar sort of physique to mine, if I was fit I'd look for a fit bloke.

buzzsorekillington Sat 10-Sep-11 14:41:17

What bluddymofo said.

electra Sat 10-Sep-11 14:54:08

It's not your fault and you are not shallow. It would be far worse to stay with him because you don't want to upset him.

purplepidjin Sat 10-Sep-11 14:55:01

A pity shag would be patronising for him and humiliating for both of you. You can't invent "chemistry" out of thin air!

DontGoCurly Sat 10-Sep-11 16:45:16

You're not shallow. You either fancy someone or you don't. You don't fancy him and that's ok. You can't shag someone out of pity.

bibbitybobbityhat Sat 10-Sep-11 16:47:11

(I have read a thread exactly like this before as well MrsFlittersnoop)

SpringHeeledJack Sat 10-Sep-11 16:49:03

I've pity shagged loads

I'm like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music

HairyGrotter Sat 10-Sep-11 16:49:53

Not sure I could bring myself to pity shag a man with saggy tits, if they were perky, I'd consider it.

SpringHeeledJack Sat 10-Sep-11 16:50:36

what, you again???

<pity shags Bib>

Hullygully Sat 10-Sep-11 16:50:43

oh dear lord

could we by chance see a piccy of him with his belly-pants?

SpringHeeledJack Sat 10-Sep-11 16:51:02

Bib so have I

perhaps it's the same lad

NettoSuperstar Sat 10-Sep-11 16:53:07

Also read this before, but if you don't want to shag him, don't.

QuickLookBusy Sat 10-Sep-11 17:01:27

If you don't fancy him don't shag him.

Just be kind when you give him the heave ho-don't mention the pants or the boobs.

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