Pushing 50 but I'm so naive.....

[alittlebitresignedtoitall]

Started seeing someone (have been internet dating last few months), we get on well and physically things have been great. Last weekend, he says, "I want this to last for sometime to come". Met him earlier this week, he says, "I don't want you to go out with anyone else and I won't either". Know I was a bit taken aback but I responded positively as I do like him. There was no mistaking the tenderness in his eyes and the meaning in his voice. Then proceeded to feel great as there was the promise of something rather lovely starting. Our contact pattern is that he texts every morning and says Hi and then calls me morning and afternoon/evening. He tried to call me next day as usual and I was in a meeting. Told him I would call him back as soon as possible. Tried to call him back when meeting was finished and he didn't answer - not unusual as he was working too. I text him to say that I was free for chatting as soon as he was and later that evening, text him again to see if he was OK as I hadn't heard from him. I've heard nothing since Wednesday. Apart from a strong physical attraction and the startings of something, there is no gushy love feelings but I am still confused and upset. There's no fool like an old fool is there? Just raising all my insecurities again that men are not to be trusted! (It took me 9 years to even contemplate dating again so I have built my confidence up by dating only to feel it sliding away again over this.)

[HairyGrotter]

Oh no :( That's not good of him. Believe me, age has nothing to do with it, doesn't matter how old someone is, we're all vulnerable to being played.

I hope he hasn't been able to contact you for a good reason, for your sake, but if he's just being a dick, well he's worthless.

[lubeybooby]

Sounds like either a total player or he has taken massive offence and jealousy at you not being able to take his call and huffed off. Or he could be being clasically 'flaky' and contact you out of the blue sometime like nothing happened.

Either way you are FAR better off without twattishness like any of those options - please ignore ignore ignore if he contacts you again.

[lubeybooby]

Should add I am the voice of many an unfortunate experience like this

[alittlebitresignedtoitall]

Thank you. I've dated quite a few guys over recent months as I felt I needed to become more comfortable in their company and to try and see what I wanted in a man. Also to start having some fun. Thought I'd developed a bit of radar about this type of thing as I can honestly say, I have not had a good, positive relationship, ever. Always get tangled up with wrong-uns! I wouldn't mind so much but I was being reasonably casual about it because I didn't want to get in too deep, or appear too keen so it's not as if I had been encouraging him to make this offer of exclusivity. I'm successful in all areas of my life except this - my single point of failure!!

[atosilis]

Does he live in Salisbury? Think I've met him....

[cecilyparsley]

I've found that with internet dating it's best not to take anything seriously, dont believe a word anyone says and be ready to shrug and move on as soon as the other person starts being daft.

Saying that he wants to be exclusive and wants things to last without any indication that you want the same seems a bit of a funny thing to do?
Kinda sounds like he's jumped in too quickly, is very 'into you' before you've really had chance to get to know each other all that well?

I'm a total clusterfuck when it comes to this sort of thing..if that makes you feel any better!

[cecilyparsley]

I was being reasonably casual about it because I didn't want to get in too deep, or appear too keen so it's not as if I had been encouraging him to make this offer of exclusivity

perhaps it's just a way getting control, leading you to think he's serious, and then backing of, leaving you dangling sort of thing?

[HairyGrotter]

I'm emotionally inept if I'm honest. I find it very difficult in relationships, but internet dating is a bit of a nightmare, I won't go back to it as it's had too much influence in turning me cynical.

Liking the word Clusterfuck.

[HairyGrotter]

And I'm IN a relationship still I'm a rubbish girlfriend, awful I is

[alittlebitresignedtoitall]

Hello Cecilyparsley, we've known each other for almost 2 months so we've got to know each other as much as you can do in that time. I'd continued to date other people and I imagined that he had also. We started this out as "nothing serious and see where it leads us" type thing. We were just jogging along, enjoying our meet ups, so I believed he felt it was kind of the right time to either stop or move things forward a little. We've both discussed what we wanted out of a future, although not in direct relation to an "us". I guess my question is given this situation, when is the right time to start to take anything seriously or what is the point of dating through the internet if you cannot? I guess I've just answered my own question. Why are there so many disingenuious people around? I truly don't understand the game at all and I would never treat another person in that way. I'm going to give this all a rest and try and concentrate on my real life rather than this odd, odd internet stuff.

[cecilyparsley]

A littlebitresigned, I dont understand the 'game' either, unless the purpose is just to confuse the hell outta the other person.
(lord knows I'm confused)
It's sounds as if you've been sensible and rational about the whole thing and he hasnt!
I've only ever used internet dating for a bit of fun, ie looking for sex only as I cant be arsed with all that going out on dates stuff.
and as you say Hairygrotter it sure does make you cynical.

I'm not really much help here but I sure do sympathise :)

[alittlebitresignedtoitall]

Thank you for all your comments. I feel a lot better now and I know that I will ignore him if he gets back in touch. mumsnet is brilliant at this type of thing as I was actually quite tearful earlier on. Have brilliant weekends everyone!!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi alittlebitresignedtooitall,

I'd be giving this man a wide berth from now on; he's playing games and you're still vulnerable.

Re your comment:-
"Thought I'd developed a bit of radar about this type of thing as I can honestly say, I have not had a good, positive relationship, ever. Always get tangled up with wrong-uns"

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Men can be trusted but you need to work out exactly why you have chosen and continue to choose so poorly with predictable result and a further lowering of your self worth and esteem.

Have you ever actually wondered why the above comment you wrote is the case?. Was your own parents relationship a rocky one with many arguments, did your Dad walk out on you when small?. Were they as parents emotionally unavailable to you?. Do you have a wanting to rescue them and or save men from themselves mentality?.

You of course do not have to answer that but if any of the possible above scenarios is the case you may want to have some counselling to work through all the damaging stuff you subconsciously learnt as a child.

If you don't tackle any underlying issues you have you will ultimately continue to make the same sort of relationship errors that you have previously. Damaging patterns need to be unlearnt.

[HairyGrotter]

Hope you have a great weekend too alittlebitresignedtoitall

[springydaffs]

aw that sounds really hurtful. Best rid of course but that's small consolation at the moment.

If I were in your situation I would try a call from my phone and then, if he didn't answer, try a call on a different phone/landline. If he picks up then you know where you are.

I don't know if it was the way you wrote your OP, but it sounded, from the way you'd written it, that he announced that he wanted your r'ship to be exclusive - it doesn't sound like you had a discussion about it? did you?

oh and btw don#t go ageist on yourself eh? your age has nothing at all to do with being hurt that someone has mashed up your feelings a bit. From my point of view, I'm glad you found out sooner rather than later iyswim (again, small consolation). If he's 'anouncing' that your relationship should be exclusive, then throwing a wobbly because you are not available the minute he wants you then, well..... he's not great is he.

as for the crap men - that's a whole other issue. I am in the same boat my dear, also the same age as you. I've had an ocean-load of therapy and still pick wrong 'uns. I refuse to believe that they're all wrong 'uns but I'm sorely tempted to tbh..

[HPonEverything]

Sounds like mind games to me. You couldn't take his call so now he's letting you know he's not just available at your beck and call (not that I'm saying that's what you expect!). Is he very insecure? He may be waiting for you to call a certain number of times before he allows himself to respond, so he can feel like he's 'won'.

Just a different slant from the other responses as I have unfortunately had experience with some very insecure men who behave like this!

[alittlebitresignedtoitall]

Hello Attilathemeerkat, Some interesting points you raise. I come from a very stable and loving home. Parents were married over 40 years until my father died 15 years ago. My "type" is always alpha male. I'm a confident and successful person but seem to be completely immature when it comes to men. I put myself through counselling several years ago and my counsellor concluded that I was well balanced but lacking experience with men as I had only had a couple of really long relationships and missed out of the teenage dating stuff, which kind of toughens you up a bit. If I'm very honest, I did have a bit of a niggle about him but ignored it as I enjoyed his company and his attention over these last couple of months. He has that big personality that I find draws me in and he matched my wit and intellect (well almost - I'm being charitable here!). Need to go out with some other types methinks and I need to continue to develop some strategies to help me understand the niggles and the intuition and act upon them!! Thanks again all.

PS - there's no way I would call him. He's had his chance and I have my pride and I have developed a higher threshold which means less tolerance to bullshit. It's not all bad! Think I was having the miseries this morning because I feel totally, totally better and am planning a night out this evening with my female friends.

[springydaffs]

I didn't mean talk to him if you call him incognito, I meant check to make completely sure he's playing you re if he won't answer your call but answers your incognito call then the minute you hear his voice you cut the call. 141 of course. I've thought of speaking in an accent when I don't want my voice to be recognised but I'm crap at accents - once, when I was having a fling with someone in the office, I called reception (he didn't have a direct line and this was in the days before mobiles - yep, horsedrawn carriages and stays) and asked for him in an accent which was, I thought, a ridiculously deep local accent; and the receptionist said, wearily, hullo springy. Because of course everybody knew what was going on.

tbh I think there are some horrid people about, some players. You seem to have made a complete recovery - great! - but I wouldn't be berating yourself for being 'naive'. How on earth could you have predicted something like that? It's not a normal way to behave and has nothing to do with you.

[cecilyparsley]

missed out of the teenage dating stuff, which kind of toughens you up a bit
aint that the truth littlebitresigned! I mean the same applies to me, settled down way to young etc etc

[LittleHousebytheRiver]

Same here OP I was in a convent boarding school from 10 to 19 and married the second man I went out with. Now thirty years on I'm struggling with appropriate boundaries. There should be a Dating School for us with a remedial section!

[cecilyparsley]

hehe mums net internet dating crash course

[LittleHousebytheRiver]

They should do bodywork repair as well. I need it!

[midnightservant]

Text every morning, and two phone calls a day? Surely that's overdoing things, or am I just an old fogey and this is normal these days?

[alittlebitresignedtoitall]

Hello Midnightservant, I thought it was rather nice: re contact. Always a sweet little text in the morning say Hi, have a good day. Quick call in the morning and he usually asked if it was OK to call again later. We were about an hour and half from each other so seeing each other more regularly was not possible therefore we resorted to electronic means to stay in touch.

Littlehouseboat - agree totally with both your suggestions, crash course and body repairs required by me also!

In my younger day, I settled with only second person that I went out and then only had another long term relationship after that so I am going through a baptimism of fire. I have met some really lovely people on the net - just no spark for me.

Springdafs, thanks for clarifying but he stopped contact abruptly and I don't think I need to prove any further what that means. The bottomline is that this is a breach of my boundaries and one thing I have learnt is if this happens in the early days, then it is a sign that needs to be listened to.

Thanks again for all your contributions and angles - this is what you don't always get from your friends!!